SOCIAL INJUSTICE, POLITICS, BUSINESS
Women Turn To Blackface To Get Legal Abortions Through Police Brutality
Modern problems require modern solutions
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The Supreme Court recently overturned Roe vs Wade just so states can decide whether abortions are legal. Which is code for “Don’t live in Red States.”
Texas immediately announced bringing back their abortion bounty hunting program to punish women seeking abortions. Not only were women pissed that men could start their TikTok influencing careers by sharing tips on how to spot a woman considering an abortion. Small business owners were angry of losing their under-appreciated employees to this flexible and high-paying gig.
The Democrat Party was blasted for abandoning their fight to keep Roe vs Wade intact. Honestly, why did they not pay Jane Roe to support their beliefs? All they had to do was throw more money at her than the conservatives did.
Lesson to all pretentious liberals: morality does NOT pay the bills. Now, the party is struggling to find a scapegoat for this mess. Clearly, it’s not their fault for supporting unpopular Hillary Clinton instead of popular Bernie Sanders in 2016. It is Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s fault for dying too early.
Poor, conservative women are now shocked that the Monkeys Angrily Groping Anuses Party, or MAGA, would now angrily grope their anuses. White, 22-year old, unemployed mother Trailer Swift bawled, “I supported these monkeys raping people, but I didn’t think they would rape ME!”
While female conservatives were facing the consequences of their actions, we tuned into L’Oreal’s earning call. To our shock, L’Oreal stock multiplied tenfold overnight. We were shocked that something could go from $71.60 to $710.60 in one day. Is WallStreetBets shooting this stock to the moon?
We reached out to CEO Nicolas Hieronimus, who smiled.
“Dumb investors with too much money on their hands are not behind this. We impressed investors through our projected exponential growth. This is all thanks to our new blackface campaign. Our new black makeup paint inspired Nancy Pelosi to drop millions on our shares.”
We were shocked that L’Oreal would join conservative justices in reverting back to the “good old days” of 1920s. We asked Hieronimus why he was eager to bring back an unpopular product. Hieronimus looked at us baffled.
“What do you mean? Blackface is so hot right now!
“We’ve seen Fred Armisen use it to become a Hollywood action star.
“We’ve seen an ex-Proud Boy use it to qualify for a minority farming grant.
“Now, we’re seeing women use it to bypass the constraints set by the oppressive patriarchy.”
Confused, we asked Hieronimus to explain.
“Conservatives care too much about controlling women through unnecessary means. They find a child killed in a mother’s womb far more terrifying than a child killed by a mass shooter. Is it because 100% of mass shooters are males? Perhaps if we had a female mass shooter, they’d pass gun laws just to control women once again.
“That being said, mass shooting is a safer option than what women have nowadays. Safe abortions are no longer legal. Women will no longer get good fertility care if practices violate state abortion laws. Alabama doctors are no longer helping women through miscarriages, as they fear of going to state prison. At this point, women seeking abortions have a better chance of surviving a bullet through their belly and hoping for the best than going to an Alabama hospital for reproductive treatment.
“However, there is a much better alternative. Rather than wait around for another teenager to go on an incel gun rampage, women should provoke the police. They just apply blackface and walk in broad daylight. A cop is bound to pull them over. Women will then talk back to the point that the police will use excessive force to beat them. Women have a higher chance of surviving the brutality than a shooting, and their babies will die.
“I know what you’re thinking. Even if the women’s death risk is higher in shootings, don’t mass shooters get the job done more efficiently than police? Surprisingly, no! Mass shootings have killed 339 people since 2015. Meanwhile, police beatings over the same time span claimed the lives of 4,355 people. Police brutality is far more effective in getting rid of humans!”
Hieronimus beamed.
“Now that the Supreme Court overturned Roe vs. Wade, women need blackface more than ever. This is an untapped market! We at L’Oreal will do everything we can to get females the abortions they deserve! We have plans to hire Kendall Jenner to promote our product through our social justice commercial! After all, Jenner did a fabulous job doing so with Pepsi.
“We at L’Oreal are committed to getting women the abortions they need. Even if they need to become black!”
We were both alarmed and impressed at Hieronimus for finding a dark, creative solution to help women. We asked him if he had any plans to expand L’Oreal blackface to other market segments. Hieronimus paused to think.
“We already cornered the female market. But when Roe vs. Wade gets brought back, we’ll immediately lose our customers.
“We’ll have to market this to men. Particularly masochists and those with S&M and pain fetishes. This market is surprisingly popular. If we enter the kink industry, we can convince white men to fulfill their sexual desires through police beatings.”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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