POLITICS
Raphael Edward Cruz Passed Anti-Cuckolding Law To Cover Up His Fetish
One Flew Over The Cuckold’s Nest
We have no words.
Let’s be real. We are a legit news organization. We had no desire to interview Raphael Edward Cruz. A man without principles is simply a boring man. We originally wanted to interview an athlete-turned-politician who significantly advanced North Korea-US relations far more than any other world leader: Dennis Rodman.
The former Chicago Bull’s Playboy Of The Year told us to meet up at Score’s Gentlemen Club at 11:00 P.M. Through loud EDM music and juicy steaks, we discussed Rodman’s promising political career. Rodman bragged that he was smooching his way up to the top, as he just came from dinner with Raphael Edward Cruz and his wife. Apparently, Cruz was a very pleasant guy and gave Rodman some helpful information to strengthen his relationship with Kim Jong-Un. Texas’s biggest disgrace since Greg Abbott encouraged Rodman to teach this modern day Genghis Khan how to impregnate women effectively.
We spent the rest of the night taking shots, and left the club at 12:00 P.M. As we stepped out in broad daylight, we heard someone screaming at Rodman. We turned around and saw a man across the Capitol Hill, running towards Rodman at full speed. That man bellowed from the top of his lungs.
“NOBODY LEAVES MY HOUSE WITHOUT MAKING LOVE TO MY WIFE!!!”
Rodman quickly turned and ran. A police officer pulled out his gun at the man chasing Rodman, but his comrades stopped him from shooting because the suspect was white. The cops quickly tasered the suspect and handcuffed him to the pole. To our surprise, this man was Raphael Edward Cruz.
We were curious as to why Cruz was chasing Rodman. Cruz stated that Rodman left his house without making love to his wife. We were startled that Cruz wanted to be a cuckold, as he recently passed a bill that banned strangers from fucking a wife in front of her husband¹. Cruz sighed.
“Marriage should be between one man and one woman. This is against the Christian doctrine to have another man intervene. We need to make marriages pure again. But if I’m being honest, I passed the law so that my fan base wouldn’t suspect me of betraying the sanctity of marriage.”
We asked how Cruz discovered this kink. Cruz said it went back to his 2016 presidential “debates” with Donald Trump.
“I remember when Donald insulted my wife. He called her ugly. It was so humiliating and degrading for me. And also my wife, but she always had thicker skin than me. Despite my claims that I would never support Trump for bullying my wife, I changed my mind and endorsed him for president of 2016.
“It makes no sense, doesn’t it? Trump called me a maniac, an unstable person, a soft man, a mentally ill patient, a liar, a hypocrite, and, worst of all, a Canadian. He even attacked my father for killing John F. Kennedy. But once he went after my wife, I changed. I no longer hated Trump. I saw him in a favorable light.
“If I’m being honest, I was secretly aroused by my wife being publicly humiliated by another man. I can’t describe this feeling. This strong sexual desire is something I never felt before. It’s why I told reporters that if I were in my car and getting ready to reverse and saw Donald in the backup camera, I’m not confident which pedal I’d push. Because while I should push the pedal just to stand up for my wife, I want to push the break because I’m turned on by another man degrading my wife.”
Confused by this experience, Cruz sought counsel from his good friend Jerry Falwell Jr. Falwell Jr, a proud Cuckservative, told Cruz that these feelings are nothing different than those felt by a cuckold. Cuckolds loves to watch other men humiliate and degrade their wives via sexual and emotional means.
“I broke down and sobbed,” Cruz admitted. “What was wrong with me? Why did God make me this way?” He stated he would have taken his life had Falwell Jr not consoled him. “Falwell Jr helped me accept myself. He said this feeling is pretty normal among conservatives, as they want to control what a woman does with her body. My kink isn’t a disease, but is a part of who I am.”
While Cruz was eager to let the world know of his newfound kink, Falwell Jr persuaded him otherwise. “I lost my job as president of Liberty University just because of my sexual fantasies,” Falwell Jr stated. “I don’t want Cruz to commit career suicide.”
Cruz was shocked that the world wasn’t ready to accept his kink. In true GOP fashion, Cruz decided to cover up his frowned behavior. He went back to Congress and passed a law that made acts of cuckolding illegal. When we asked why, Cruz smiled.
“If I passed this law, people will not suspect me of having this fetish. It’s why many Republicans speak out against homosexuality, pedophilia, etc. They’re afraid of being shamed for their desires (illegal or not), and will do whatever it takes to distance their true self from their public image.”
As it turns out, Cruz’s followers stated that Cruz’s new fetish didn’t change the way they felt about him. They already turned their backs on the Zodiac Killer in the last few years. One ex-supporter claimed.
“This guy flew to Cancun when we suffered during a Texan snowstorm. That was the last straw. We’re not electing this traitor!”
Another chimed in.
“We already know this dude strayed far from the Lord’s light. He was caught liking incest porn on Twitter!”
Another supporter shook his head.
“Trump was right about Lyin’ Ted. This guy is an abomination to Christian values and a disgrace to conservatives! A real man sticks up for his wife whenever she’s shamed. To hell with this weak ass bitch!”
Cruz was shocked that he was being ridiculed by his followers. To protect his fragile ego, he tried to “insult” them by labelling his ex-followers as “Peppermint Patties.” When that failed, Cruz decided to hire an assassin to slap the shit out of his haters: Will Smith.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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Footnote #1: Raphael Edward Cruz passed no such bill. Although that would have been so on point with the Republican brand.
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