FOREIGN AFFAIRS, HEALTH
Kim Jong-un Takes It Upon Himself To Repopulate North Korea
Modern day Genghis Khan
When tragedy strikes, North Korea turns to one man to save their population from extinction. It’s glorious leader Kim Jong-un.
Many people recognize this “brat” as nothing more than the world’s second most notorious Kim. Both Kims are similar in that they rose to prominence via family wealth and social status. However, Kim Jong-un accomplished such a feat without unleashing a sex tape with Ray J.
We were curious how Kim Jong-un became successful without straying away from the Lord’s light. We couldn’t Google this, so we reached out to the most reliable news source of Kim Jong-un. That source is North Korea itself.
Our contact — we can’t release his/her name, as we’re afraid of the dictator punishing him/her for speaking to us — listed all of his leader’s accolades.
- First North Korean to land on Forbes’ Richest Billionaires. We should note that Kim Jong-un reported his net worth in won and not in USD.
- First conqueror to overthrow the U.N. and oversee all nations in the world, according to his recent game play of Civilization IV.
- Win a Nobel Peace Prize for ending World War III. Kim Jong-un gave up declaring war after he failed to accurately launch his nuclear missiles to any other country.
- Outperform Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in body fat and BMI percentage.
- Lead the largest fast food chain — Korea’s Fresh Canines, or KFC — that surpassed McDonalds in earnings in North Korea. We should note that there are currently no McDonald’s locations in North Korea, as McDonald’s is anti-communism.
- Tie Michael Phelps’s Olympic Gold Medal record. Not for swimming, but for fencing.
- Beat Chicago Bulls Legend Dennis Rodman 1-on-1 in basketball. We reached out to Rodman, who claimed that North Korea threatened to sentence him to 20 years of hard labor if he didn’t let their revered leader win.
We couldn’t believe such a leader exists, as this kind of man exists only in myths and folklore. Kim Jong-un is the most accomplished Asian man since Shimiken, a Japanese porn star who carries a nation’s libido on his shoulders.
We thought North Korea was bullshitting us with this incredible resume, but changed our mind when China told us that Kim Jong-un won The Onion’s 2012 Sexiest Man Alive. If The Onion could bestow this prestigious honor to such a polarizing figure, then everything North Korea said about him must be true.
Is there anything that this Asian Rambo can’t do? Oh right. Keep his subjects alive.
Kim Jong-un’s Achilles heel of not giving a shit about his third-world nation is surprisingly well documented on Wikipedia.
- 12 high ranking officials in North Korea were executed or assassinated during the periods of 2012–2014.
- Prisoners died due to hard labor and extreme torture. An American named Otto Wambiar died shortly after he fell into a torture-induced coma.
- Scientists were killed after their failed nuclear missile attempts. Kim Jong-un couldn’t stand to see North Korea as a laughing stock among communist nations.
- 240,000–3,500,000 citizens died between 1994–1998 when they starved through lack of government rationed food. This was known as the Arduous March.
However, all these deaths paled in comparison when COVID hit.
- North Korea refused vaccine help and foreign aid, as outside help goes against their isolationist ideals.
- North Korea is still in pandemic lockdown phase, while the rest of the world is slowly reopening.
- North Korea increased its food shortage, and had to reinstate the Arduous March.
There’s a huge possibility that North Korea is suffering, despite Kim Jong-un reporting 0 COVID cases from 2020. Although if that was true, then we’re amazed that Kim Jong-un is also a pandemic expert of unknown diseases. Perhaps MAGA was onto something when they claimed he should replace Dr. Anthony Fauci.
Regardless, the country’s communist allies were worried that North Korea was doing nothing to stop the spread of new COVID variants. Soviet Union’s Prime Minister Vladimir Putin offered to give Kim Jong-un their Sputnik COVID vaccine to help his country. Kim Jong-un refused, stating they have everything “under control”. The glorious leader encouraged Putin to give the vaccine to a country suffering far more than North Korea. Preferably Ukraine.
We were not surprised by this glorious leader’s compassion. Nevertheless, we wondered why Kim Jong-un cares more about other countries than his own. The vaccine will end the COVID Arduous March and save lives. We asked our contact for more details. The contact stated the shocking reason the leader is letting his citizens die. It’s for him to father the next generation of North Koreans.
“Running a dictatorship is not easy. It takes years of blackening one’s heart to kill anyone with opposing viewpoints. The psychological stress of killing innocent civilians was getting too much for our leader to bear. But he had to do it to force this country to improve. It’s not his fault that North Korean civilians are not adequate at their jobs. We’ve seen failures around the country in terms of economics, military, science, business, healthcare, and education. It’s time to punish the nation for their abysmal results.”
We asked if this failure resulted from Kim Jong-un’s failed policies. The contact got defensive.
“How dare you insult our glorious leader! Kim Jong-un is perfection! It’s not his fault that none of these citizens know how to thrive in a communist environment. They do not see the world as clearly as our glorious leader does! If we had a million Kim Jong-uns in this nation, then North Korea would thrive! We’d be the most advanced nation in economics, military, science, business, and more! As a bonus, we wouldn’t be in a labor shortage. Our glorious leader wouldn’t dare to kill clones of himself.
“How smart is our leader? Kim Jong-un realized he was the only man to get rid of the dumb males and impregnate their wives and daughters. With millions of his children who are gifted incredible genes from their father, North Korea will be in an incredible position 20 years from now to compete with global superpowers such as China!”
We were shocked that Kim Jong-un’s next career milestone is to become the next Genghis Khan. We wondered if this recently resurrected Mongolian leader, one who came back from the dead to compete with Corona in body counts, can talk some sense into the North Korean dictator, and convince him not to kill his loyal subjects.
We reached out to Khan, who refused to help us. As Corona Lambda is now bringing its cousins Omricon and Deltacon to Florida, Khan has to work even harder to sleep with multiple women.
Disclaimer. All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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