SPORTS

LeBron James Hints He’ll Send His Teammates To China If They Don’t Improve

All Hail LeMao James

MICHAEL JEFFREY JORDAN WOULD NEVER! Yes, Jordan would never threaten to trade his teammates away. If he saw them underperforming, he’d punch them senselessly.

LeBron James, on the other hand, would speak softly but carry a big stick. The general manager that slithers in the shadows issued another passive aggressive tweet in response to the Los Angeles Laker’s abysmal 2021–2022 season.

“We did bad, but we will come back stronger than ever next year! We’ll train with China if we must!”

We were confused why the greatest small forward of all time would want to practice his game in China. Although we would love to see the king average 50 points, 20 assists, and 15 rebounds a game in China. We reached out to general manager, Rob Pelinka for a comment. The Rob Lowe doppelgänger stated, “It’s obvious, isn’t it? LeBron James is threatening to send the underachievers to China if they don’t get better.”

We were shocked that Pelinka would throw his superstar under the bus. Pelinka smirked.

“Please. Everyone knows LeBron has been in full control of this roster. We had talent in Josh Hart, Lonzo Ball, and All-Star Brandon Ingram. Yet, we traded them away for injury prone superstar Anthony Davis. We had talent in Kyle Kuzma, sixth-man Montrezl Harrell, and 3-point sniper Kentavious Caldwell-Pope. Yet, we traded them away for high-volume, inefficient superstar Russell Westbrook. We had defensive talent in Alex Caruso. Yet, we let him walk so we could sign an aging Carmelo Anthony.”

We were confused why Pelinka now had a nasty tune. LeBron definitely took over GM duties, but he’s earned the right. LeBron took whatever roster he created to a championship.

• Teamed up with/traded for high-volume, high-scoring, non-defensive stars in Kyrie Irving and Kevin Love. Still led them and the Cleveland Cavaliers to beat the 73-win Golden State Warriors in the 2016 Finals.
• Traded for injury-prone star in Anthony Davis. Still won a ring with him in 2020 with the Los Angeles Lakers.
• Traded for inefficient star in Russell Westbrook. Still can’t do jack shit with him.

Pelinka slammed his fists.

“We’re the Los Angeles Lakers! We’re a team with 17 championships! We need more than one measly ring! If we don’t win more than one ring, our fans will call for our heads!

“We want more to stick it to Boston! We’re both tied with 17 rings! Ok, we don’t deserve 5 of those. Those belong to Minneapolis. But still!

“We didn’t gut our future just for a one-and-done championship run! We signed on LeBron to win not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, not 6, not 7 rings. Technically speaking, he did exactly that.

“But look at Miami Heat president Pat Riley! He won 2 rings with LeBron on the roster in 2010–2014! Does this mean we could have gotten more rings out of LeBron if we gave GM duties to someone who actually knows what he’s doing?

“LeBron deserves all the credit for constructing the 2020 team that won the Finals. LeBron also deserves all the blame for not going to the Finals in 2021. LeBron also deserves all the blame for constructing the 2022 team that missed the playoffs. This is not the excellence we Lakers strive for. We may have to release LeBron the same way the Kansas City Chiefs released superstar quarterback Patrick Mahomes.”

We asked Pelinka if LeBron should critique his teammates publicly. It’s really not LeBron’s fault that teammates like Anthony and Westbrook refuse to play good defense. As a leader, LeBron should call out whatever he dislikes. Pelinka laughed.

“You honestly think LeBron will publicly tell his teammates to step up? The media will slam him if he does. They will take his words out of context and spin a false narrative that tarnish the King James brand, thus losing him millions!

“LeBron isn’t an entertainer. He is a businessman first and foremost. LeBron will do whatever it takes to protect his generational wealth. Why do you think he criticized Daryl Morey for speaking up for Hong Kong civil rights? Why would LeBron preach Black Lives Matter and civil rights on one side, yet ignore China’s genocide against Hong Kong civilians on the other? Simple! This “humanitarian” has multiple business deals with China. Sneakers, athletic apparel, movies. With so much money at stake, he’d be dumb to give a shit about Hong Kong civil rights.

“LeBron only cares about his brand. While he can’t directly call out his teammates, LeBron still can’t let this losing continue. He’ll be more passive aggressive than ever in order to turn the ship around. If you read between the lines, you‘ll notice that LeBron’s tweet is an ultimatum to his teammates. Get better or get out of the USA. He’ll trade you to China if he has to.”

We were amused that it is now US that is shipping cheap goods to China. We asked LeBron on who he would send to China. LeBron calmly stated.

“I don’t force people to live where they don’t want to be. However, my teammates have my full support if they want to live in China instead of LA. I think China is a lovely place to live. The people are kind and welcoming. I’ve seen former NBA players who struggled in USA excel in China there. I can definitely see my teammate Russell Westbrook become the first player to achieve a 50–20–30 triple double in that country.”

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

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