ENTERTAINMENT

Will Smith Hired As Spokesperson For al-Qaeda

The Fresh Prince of Bagag

Now this is the story all about how

Will’s life got flipped-turned upside down

And he took one minute to make Americans mad

Just so he could be the prince of a town called Bagag.

In Hollywood and Highland, place of fame

On the stage was where Will spent most of his days

Laughing, cracking, relaxing, all droll

And killing time just to win a prize for his role

When Chris Rock came to make fun of his wife

And the wife shook her head because of their strife

Will laughed, but stopped when his wife looked sterner

And decided to become her knight in shining armor

He walked up the stairs to slap Rock in the face

Walking back down with no hint of disgrace

Sat down and twice cussed the jester out

But managed to vanish all of his clout

Will got in one little fight and his agent got ragged

Said “You’re movin’ with al-Qaeda in the town of Bagag”

Will begged and pleaded day after day

Sobbed and cried just to get his way

But the agent refused, as Will went beyond limits

And killed his brand in less than 5 minutes

His sponsors dropped out, celebs think he’s weird

Cause Will set black rights back 100 years

When his ancestors fought to not be known as angry

Stupid, emotional, violent, whiny

KBJ showed how to be polished, not raw

Yet Will acted bitchy like Brett Kavanaugh

So the only group who would sponsor a man child

Was the violent, irate, religious al-Qaeda

Who can’t gain the world’s respect for their prophet

Thus struggling to recruit members to make a profit

al-Qaeda need an endorsement to make them attractive

They saw Will’s slap, and thought “Let’s be proactive”

They resonated well with this beta male

They then asked the agent if Will was for sale

The agent agreed, and booked a ticket

Gave it to Will, said “You might as well kick it.”

Will sat in economy, feeling so scared

He worried what would happen to his wife with no hair

And whether if she would be fine without him

Even if she’s sleeping with her son’s best friend

But despite the adultery, Will was determined

To win back his wife, even if she didn’t love him

Will couldn’t distinguish between real life and movies

As the idea of love made him high and boozy

Before he could scheme, the plane landed

And Will was worried that he was left stranded

But his worries were quelled when he saw a limo

And a bearded dude with a turban calling for him

Will got in the limo and shook the man’s hand,

Man said “Name’s Ayman. Welcome to my land.

We’re very impressed by your slapping skills

You could torture civilians for our thrills

We relate to you saying that love makes you crazy

So you hit people to when they get so hazy

We too love Muhammad, our prophet, and Islam

To when we kill people through suicide bombs

You’re like us, we don’t listen to reason

For democracy is evil; we control our people

We get offended, we’ll hunt them down in a huff

That’s why we tried to kill Malala Youseff

We support you getting mad for a simple mock

We cheered for you attacking your friend Chris Rock

Free speech is illegal except for us elite

We’ll kill comedians for making us petite

We will die to protect Muhammad’s ideals

And execute French cartoonists with ‘balls of steel’

But we don’t hate, we do it out of love

We worship our prophet who lives far above

We hate to kill, but we do it if we must

Your actions have definitely earned our trust

We’ll give you guns next time in your fight

So the world will be free of one less black life.”

Before Will spoke, Ayman interrupted.

Saying, “Will we know you can be manipulated.

You had a dream of what a family should be

How they should act, how they should speak

But no one bought into your good Christian vision

Willow is too weird, Jaden is too feminine

Your wife doesn’t want to be stuck with you

She would fuck another dude if she could choose

Your family is too liberal, they don’t want you

You give them your love, and they discard you

You should be angry, you should be mad

Just for losing what you once had

You have two choices, abandon your family and cause

Or bring things back to what it once was.

We’re not enemies, we want all to live

We just want everyone to be conservative.”

They pulled up to the mansion about seven or eight,

Ayman hushed Will to sit in his place.

He asked “Will, have you made your decision?

If you agree, then all of us go in.”

Will thought hard, and said “What’s the catch?”

Ayman smiled and handed Will bricks of cash

Will’s jaw dropped, then Ayman said his request.

“Please share your wife with al-Qaeda’s guests.

For al-Qaeda thought Jada was a goddess

And desired to feel every inch of her body.”

Will paused for a second, then said sure

Ayman smiled, and ushered Will through the door

He gave Will a hookah, and the actor took a drag

Then Will sat on his throne as the prince of Bagag.

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now

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Articles in Reference

For those who have been living under a rock in the last week, google “Will Smith slaps Chris Rock.” Pick whatever article catches your eye in the first 100 search pages from Google. The slap is so newsworthy that we forgot that there is a war in Ukraine.