POLITICS, BUSINESS
Russia Honors Putin By Naming Their Restaurant Chain After His Menstrual Cycle
Glory to Mother Russia
Russia’s Prime Minister Vladimir Putin wanted nothing more than blood spilled by Russians. If only he specified how the blood would be spilt.
Russia has made the news for all the wrong reasons. They started a war with Ukraine just because the latter wanted freedom. Consequently, multiple countries like USA imposed sanctions to attack Russia financially and economically. Businesses pulled out of Russia to protest their crimes against humanity. The value of Russian currency fell so drastically that citizens are using paper notes to wipe their asses instead of purchasing toilet paper.
Despite the long-term repercussions, Russia was content with dragging this useless war for another 4 months. McDonald’s then sold all their land in Russia and pulled out of the country. We were amused at the thought of Russia ending the war because their citizens could no longer access the Big Mac or McFlurry. Who knew chemically-processed diabetes was more desirable than leaving their Ukrainian neighbors alone?
Following McDonald’s departure, many Russians protested that they could no longer enjoy this American creation. Russia tried to appease their citizens by unveiling a new McDonalds ripoff: Vkusno-i Tochka. We were surprised that Russians didn’t protest the confusing name.
We reached out to the founder Alexander Govor for the rebrand. Govor began.
“Look, we get it. It’s silly to think that a capitalistic creator of trash food would have this much impact on a communist country like us. But it still employed thousands of our citizens through their 850 locations. Furthermore, people don’t buy McDonald’s just for the food. They buy as a statement for globalization.
“Many citizens remember what the Soviet Union was like in 1970. They were isolated from the rest of the world and formed their own companies. However, unemployment rate skyrocketed and resources dwindled. When McDonald’s first entered in 1999, it was a symbol of change and prosperity. That a brighter future with everyone connected would benefit all nations. McDonald’s leaving escalates the public’s fear that Russia will go back to its economically deprived roots.
“That’s why I want to bring back a version of McDonald’s. I want to give our citizens hope during this tumultuous time. And make my food taste the same as McDonald’s.”
We were amused that communism could be destroyed with one cardboard french fry at a time. However, we admired Govor for doing what Putin failed to do: lead a nation. We asked Govor what his restaurant meant in English.
“It means Tasty-period.”
We stared at Govor. Out of all the names he came up with, he picked a name kindergarten students could come up with. Hell, even Donald [now Brandon] Trump could come up with a better name: Marc Donald. Although this orange narcissist pig would likely add Trump at the end of that name.
While Grover is fuming over hitting rock bottom in creativity, we listed a bunch of names that can replace McDonald’s.
- Marc Donat’s
- Mavr Domidont’s
- American Paradise
- Cholestrol Cafe
- Burger King
Govor shook his head.
“We need to keep the name Russian. While we oppose the war, we still have to honor Vladimir Putin. He is our leader after all. What better way to name it after his menstrual cycle?”
We asked when Putin ever had a period. Govor smiled.
“Why, it was after his gender transitioning! Do you not remember when he did this before invading Ukraine? Putin desired to be a mother of the Soviet Union so badly that he changed his gender. In order to be a literal mother and helicopter parent all Soviet Union nations, Putin needs his time of the month. If anything, Putin is becoming so irrational from his female biological constraints that he’s taking his anger out on innocent Ukrainians!
“We may favor globalization, but we want Russia to be seen in a good light. If we honor Putin’s periods through this name change, people will begin to see our leader in a positive light. Hence the name tasty-period.”
We don’t know what to be shocked by. Russia implying that female blood was just as tasty as a big mac. Or that their logo implies that their big mac tastes like pet food. After all, Govor’s company logo is strikingly similar to that of Portugese pet food company Matosmix.
Govor defended his copyright infringement.
“Our logo is different in one way. It’s red! It’s shaped in the letter M! Anyone can tell that those are symbols of a woman’s bleeding!”
Govor then mentioned his plans to copy American rival Dick’s Drive-In. He claims he wants consumers the option to eat food that tastes like penises instead of vaginal blood.
“Now that our leader is a transgender female, she will want cock every now and then. Unfortunately, Chik-Fil-A is closed on Sundays. We will have to satisfy her through our new restaurant that is open 24/7: Vkusnyy Chlen.”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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