LGBTQ, SPORTS
Transgender Movement For College Athletes Spearheaded By Toxic Sports Bettors
An unlikely ally
GLAAD is urging colleges to accept transgender athletes. They now have a surprising ally backing them. That ally is a group of middle-aged men who hurl death threats at cisgender athletes for not living up to their expectations.
We were amused that a group that slammed Simone Biles for not using positive thinking to address her mental health is now showing empathy for transgenders.
Why do they hate cisgender women? Do they love transgender women more because they used to be men?
We reached out to Billy Walters to address this hypocrisy. The most successful sports bettor in Sin City shook his head.
“Transgender female swimmer Lia Thomas underwent hormone replacement therapy two years before she competed in the event in May 2021. She has met all the requirements to compete in cisgender female swimming competitions. It’s sad that people don’t realize that two years is all it takes for transgender women to be biologically similar to cisgender women. On behalf of Las Vegas, I will fund $10 million to aid GLAAD’s mission to educate the public on misconceptions of transgender athletes.”
Despite Walters avoiding our question, we wondered if two years of hormone replacement therapy was just enough. We reached out to Dr. Joanna Harper for clarification. Harper began.
“The two year mark is enough for transgender female runners to be recognized as cisgender female runners. Both groups on average perform the same. That being said, running is completely different from swimming. Swimmers with more upper body muscle and more height do better on average. Thomas may have the appropriate testosterone levels to compete, but she still has a bit of muscle and height advantage from her male puberty.”
We later reached back out to Walters to ask if he’s funding transgender rights just to bet on these athletes. Walters grinned.
“You got me! Sports betting has become more erratic with the presence of social media and the emergence of mental health awareness. Athletes such as Simone Biles and Naomi Osaka have dropped out of competitions due to mental health issues from internal struggles and online harassment. This is screwing us sports bettors over when we place our bets on them.
“How do we place better bets? Simple. We just bet on men! We do know that males are less likely than females to drop out. Males are more logical than females, and thus can control their emotions better. Furthermore, males are biologically stronger and gifted than females. I’m not trying to be sexist. I’m just stating known facts from the 1700s.
“If males transitioned into females, they will have a female body while still possessing the emotional control, muscles, and height of males. Transgender females will drastically outperform cisgender females, as they are former men competing in a weaker competition. Furthermore, we sports bettors can secure more wins by betting on these transgender athletes. This is the greatest get-rich-quick scheme since Bitcoin!”
We were stunned at Walters’s reasoning. If men were more emotionally mature than females, then why do they send death threats to female athletes when they drop out of races?
Furthermore, we asked Walters if transgender athletes even have the physical advantage as he claims. Thomas began hormonal replacement treatment in May 2019. Regardless, she had more losses than wins in female cisgender competitions.
- In January 2022, Thomas finished dead last in the 100m freestyle race.
- In March 2022, Thomas won the 500-yard freestyle.
- In March 2022, Thomas finished fifth in the 200-yard freestyle finals
- In March 2022 Thomas finished dead last in the 100-yard freestyle finals.
Despite her slight genetic advantage, Thomas only won 1 of the 4 female cisgender races. She isn’t a surefire win as Walters claims she is.
Walters was stunned.
“Fuck me…how did I not do my research? I can’t back out of the transgender movement now! I’m balls deep in this movement!”
We begged Walters to reeducate the sports bettors to stop betting on this false news. Walters went pale.
“If I do, they’ll come for my head! Sports gamblers don’t care about reason or empathy. They care about money! They place bets on athletes, and send them death threats if athletes fail to perform to their expectations. I haven’t seen any group more immoral, capitalistic, and greedy than American CEOs!”
Walters then muttered.
“Damn…maybe I should change identities to avoid public backlash. I wonder if gender transitioning is useful in this case.”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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