SPORTS
Cleveland Browns Released Their Roster Just To Sign Athletes From Rival LA Team
At least they’re guaranteed one win
After years of losing seasons and rotating quarterbacks, the Cleveland Browns are finally doing whatever it takes to win. Even if means signing criminals.
This NFL team has struck a deal with the Los Angeles County Jail Miscreants. In exchange for receiving all of the players from Los Angeles’s third football team, the Browns will also pay off all the debts this jail has incurred during their short stint. The Miscreants will disband following their bankruptcy, thus keeping prisons separate from sports once again.
Despite this morally questionable move, we can agree that the Browns are a much more talented team on paper than they were before. Here are the list of players the Browns have received from the Los Angeles County Jail.
- Deshaun Watson — The star quarterback who will miss his routine non-consensual buttock massages, and will be forced to stick to 1 male masseuse for the entire season.
- OJ Simpson — All-Pro running back arrested for armed robbery and kidnapping. Not for murder. For stealing memorabilia. Killing women is acceptable, but sports merchandise is where the line is crossed.
- Kevin Mack — Pro-Bowl fullback arrested for drug trafficking. Despite the new faces on their roster, the Cleveland Browns will at least be reunited with one of their former players.
- Irving Fryar — All-Pro wide receiver arrested for mortgage fraud. His thievery helped the Miscreants pay off some of their debts when no one bothered to pay for the team’s tickets.
- Rae Carruth — First-round draft pick and wide receiver arrested for hiring a hitman to kill his pregnant wife just so he can avoid paying child support. We wish we were making this shit up. This tragic nonsense could have easily been avoided if someone told this dude what a vasectomy is.
- Henry Ruggs — First-round draft pick and wide receiver arrested for drunk driving and vehicular manslaughter. We’re surprised his victim wasn’t Dwayne Haskins.
- Kellen Winslow II — Pro-Bowl tight end arrested for raping an unconscious teenager. He would have been innocent if Cee Lo Green was on his jury.
- Darren Sharper — All-Pro Safety who was arrested for drugging and raping women. We’re surprised he wasn’t arrested for assaulting a broken legged Greg Jennings.
- Thomas Henderson — Pro Bowl linebacker arrested for drugging and raping two minors. Henderson’s feat won admiration from pedophiles across the world, including QAnon ring leader Matt Gaetz.
- Aldon Smith — All-Pro defensive end arrested for drunk driving and domestic abuse. Shame on Smith for getting greedy with his crimes. If he stuck to one crime, he could have still been in the league. It worked for Miami Pitbulls wide receiver Tyreek Hill.
- Nate Newton — All-Pro guard arrested for illegal dog fighting and drug trafficking. Shame on Newton for committing a serious crime. We can excuse drugs, but dog fighting is where we draw the line.
Furthermore, the Browns received these key players from of one of the NFL’s most dominant defenses in history: the Legion of Boom.
- Earl Thomas — All-Pro safety who was arrested for sending threats to his wife and children.
- Brandon Browner — Pro-Bowl cornerback arrested for drug trafficking and attempted murder.
- Richard Sherman — All-Pro cornerback arrested for driving under influence and third-degree domestic violence.
We were amazed that 3/4 members of this legion were arrested. Did the Seattle Seahawks see talent in criminals long before the Browns did? Is CTE more dangerous than we thought? Did these players behave out of fear of pissing off the final and most intimidating member Kam Chancellor¹?
Regardless, the Browns have positioned themselves for a Super Bowl run by recreating The Longest Yard. This move was blasted by their diehard fans, some vowing to never watch a Browns game in their life. We reached out to General Manager Andrew Berry for a comment. Berry began.
“Fans have threatened that they will no longer watch us. We don’t know who these people are, considering we don’t have any fans to begin with. Seriously. We lost every game in 2017. How do we still have fans watching us after that disaster?
“Even if we still had fans, I’m surprised by their newfound morality. So it’s wrong for us to hire felons, but acceptable for them to send death threats to our organization? Regardless of our staff’s failures, they are still humans. They worked tirelessly for 90–100 hour workweeks just to entertain fans on a Sunday afternoon. Yet, these fans still treat our staff as hostile as Chrissy Teigan treats young female adults online!
“Sports fans don’t care about morals. If they really cared about ethics and compassion, they would have stopped watching the NFL years ago. They would have stopped harassing our front office. But they still tune into ESPN every Sunday to watch our content. They still bully us online. Fans only care about one thing: their teams winning.
“Why do they care about wins so much? It’s so they can justify wasting 3 hours in front of a TV. Life is hard enough as it is. These sports fans have low-education, little job prospects, physical injuries, terrible social networks, and poor lifestyles. Their deaths will matter to no-one.
“We’re just giving the sports fans what they want. A reason for their existence. That despite their tragedies, they will still find life worth living if they choose to drown in beer while watching athletic men beat the shit out of each other.
“We have nothing to lose by this controversial move. We know for sure that all the players that we bring in are talented. Talent equals wins. Wins equals more fans. More fans equal more revenue. This is a low-risk, high-reward move for the Cleveland Browns.”
We asked Berry if this was even a low-risk move. Despite the talent, the players can be sent back to jail and lose the organization even more money. Berry shook his head.
“If you have talent, you can get away with anything. Look at Antonio Brown. The man is one of the fastest wide receivers in the game. He’s still getting opportunities despite insulting colleagues, sexual abusing his trainer, and assaulting people. Now, he threw away his final shot at the NFL just to raise enough funding to run for USA president in 2024!
“The world is willing to overlook dangerous flaws of a candidate as long as he/she has the talent. If cannibal Hannibal Lecter could throw a 90 yard touchdown, we’d say he has an eating disorder. If R. Kelly could run the 40-yard dash in under 4 seconds, we’d say he has a bizarre sex addiction. If Ryan Leaf was a kind, compassionate, and upstanding citizen, we’d say he still sucks.
“Everyone will pay more to view high end talent, regardless of character issues. Morals don’t talk. Money does.”
We were shocked at Berry’s brutal honesty. That being said, we were unsurprised by his capitalistic decision. Society has given an unfair preference towards good looking and talented people. We even had women petition for the release of Crips gang member Jeremy Meeks just because he was too good looking to be in jail.
We asked Berry how he would prevent his team from ending up back in jail again. Berry smiled.
“We’ll just hire famous Hollywood actor Mark Wahlberg to guide these troubled souls back in to the Lord’s light! Marky Mark spent jail time for abusing and blinding a Vietnamese man. He turned his life around and is now a famous producer! He can show these men that even if they made mistakes that harmed many people, they can still be revered, rich, and famous!”
Berry also said he’ll consider hiring Mel Gibson as a motivational speaker if any of the criminals can’t change their drinking issues or anti-semitic beliefs.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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¹ Kam Chancellor is still healthy and well. He just retired early (2017). Retiring early in the NFL is proof that you either go out as a hero or live long enough to see yourself become a villain.
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