ENTERTAINMENT

Disney Casts Priyanka Chopra-Jonas As Jar Jar Binks In Star Wars TV Series

She was born for this role!

Hollywood writers usually drop a character when it’s reviled by the audience. Disney took the road less traveled by and gave it an extreme makeover.

A bird told us that Disney was thinking of bringing back one of their characters in a flashback episode of television series The Book Of Boba Fett. Disney CEO Robert Chapek jumped on Zoom to confirm the rumors.

“We bought George Lucas’s vision to build upon his science fiction universe. Star Wars is an integral part of the Disney brand for two main reasons: it provides the typical hero story that kids adore and it increases our profit through merchandise sales. Bringing back Boba Fett to television gave us a formula to increase our profits through writing stories for our side characters.”

Chapek continued.

“We thought of doing a spin off show about Jabba the Hutt, but no one wants to watch a fat ass lead an army of thugs through temper tantrums. It hits too close to American politics. We decided to play it safe by bringing back polarizing character Jar Jar Binks. But there’s a twist. To avoid racist Jamacian stereotypes and rastafarian undertones, we have decided to make Jar Jar progressive by changing him into a non-African woman.”

Chapek beamed. “It is my honor to announce the wife of the second-most talented member of the Jonas Brothers to play Jar Jar Binks: Priyanka Chopra-Jonas!”

Star Wars fans immediately blasted Disney for reviving this unnecessary character from Star Wars Episode I — The Phantom Menace. A fan cried that he hasn’t been let down this hard since Star Wars Episode IX —The Rise of Skywalker. We, however, were surprised that a “family-friendly” company decided to enhance the sex appeal of one of their least popular characters by hiring a former Miss World winner for its portrayal. Then again, this is the same company that thought it was a good idea for aliens to sport scantily-clad lower bodies, those presumably detached from female human dominatrixes, as headgear (see picture below).

While the Parent Television Council is deciding to sue Disney for corrupting the youth through “softcore pornography”, director JJ Abrams jumped on a Zoom call to quell concerns about destroying another franchise for thirst-trap, albeit commercial, reasons.

“Jar Jar has always been meant for comic relief. Yes, he felt out of place in the franchise. But that’s exactly what this franchise needs.

“Star Wars is not meant to be taken seriously. It’s a simple story about character growth and redemption that takes place in a creative universe full of talking bears, laser weapons, and flying ships. We even piled on this absurdity by creating this imaginary element called the force. No, we have no idea how it works! We just needed something to advance the plot. For the love of God. Please stop asking us about it!”

Abrams paused.

“But I digress. At the end of the day, Star Wars was always meant as escapism for children. Despite the ridiculous world we created, we writers hope to teach future generations good values through our characters. We want children to relate to these characters so that they can become better people.

“We also understand that many children of minority descent are insecure of not being attractive enough for the big screen, and we just want children of all races to feel included. This is why we gave bigger opportunities to our underrepresented, talented actors. African Ahmad Best and Asian Kelly Marie Tran showed the world that it’s okay to be different. Anyone can be a hero, regardless of skin color.”

Abrams sighed.

“I’m shocked and disgusted that despite our good intentions, Best and Tran continue to receive death and rape threats on a regular basis. Incredibly, most of these threats are from grown ass men and women. I’m sad and concerned that Star Wars movies also attract a racist, sexist, older fan base. It blows my mind that adults view this nonsense galactic tale as a second religion.

“I advise our older, sensitive fan base to step back and chill! There are more important things in life than a cheesy movie! There’s no reason to take this fantasy so seriously!”

Abrams got louder.

“Do you not know how tough it is for us writers to protect our cast? Do we need to show you fans how to have a life? Why do you think we introduced Jar Jar Binks in the first place? He is the Michael Scott of Star Wars!

“Jar JAr is a cringe-comedy character that embraces how weird he is to relieve tension! We may have wrote him to sell more toys, but we also needed a ‘break-the-4th-wall’ character to show you butthurt viewers how absurd this fantasy is!”

Abrams stopped to catch his breath. While we understood Abrams’s reasoning, we questioned why Jar Jar had to be female now. Abrams smiled.

“Even though he was a top selling action figure in 1999, Jar Jar Binks is still a supporting character. Binks added no value to the prequels, and viewers don’t care about how Binks developed in the universe. This gave us creative liberty to improve on Jar Jar’s merchandise potential by rewriting the Gungan to cater to the woke movement. We would get hate if we made a serious and famous character like Darth Vader non-binary, but we would get by with changing a character that no one gave a shit about.

“Subsequently, I was captivated when I saw Priyanka In-Style life lessons. I am not Indian, but I felt culturally appropriated when I watched that. It was weird as f***. I wonder if she’s trying too hard to relate to us white folk.

“It’s fascinating that a former Miss World winner could do nothing wrong, and still make me feel offended. That cringe personality is what makes Jar Jar special. A person who embraces all his/her weird quirks to make the audience smile, but still gets hate for no reason. That is the epitome of Chopra-Jonas’s. This is the role of a lifetime for her! No other male could capture Jar Jar better than her!”

Abrams concluded.

“Chapek told me that two of our financial goals this year is to increase our female and Indian fan bases for Star Wars. What better way to kill two birds with one stone than to hire a famous Bollywood actress?”

We reached out to Chopra-Jonas for a comment. The star gushed.

“I’m so thrilled for the opportunity to get more recognition in the USA. Star Wars is a part of American history, and I’m blessed to be part of something special! I said yes without hesitation!

“I always select weird and unusual roles. I feel that beautiful and intelligent actresses should go beyond the stereotypical roles offered. I love to try multiple things to see which one sticks and keeps me in business beyond the age of 30. Furthermore, I love Star Wars! My father took me to meet Chewbacca when I was young. So I’m very much aware of the Star Wars folklore.”

Chopra-Jonas said she expected her episode to be released in December 2022 in USA, and the Hindi translation to be released in India in December 2023. Chopra-Jonas hinted that India’s version will be 4 hours longer than the USA version, as Disney planned to incorporate excessive Bollywood musical numbers.

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

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