ENTERTAINMENT, LGBTQ
Kanye West Orders A Uterus Transplant After Being Told He Can’t Get Pregnant
Anything is possible if Ye puts his mind to it
Damn, what would Jeromey Romey Romey Rome think? Probably how quickly he can seduce a person with a uterus.
Full-time black skinhead Kanye West timed his life decision 20 minutes after Rihanna announced on Instagram that she was carrying A$AP Rocky’s baby. West typed up this comment in all caps to show the world that he meant business.
YO, RI-RI. I’M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU, IMMA LET YOU FINISH BUT I HAVE THE BEST PREGNANCY DROP OF ALL TIME. THAT’S RIGHT Y’ALL. YOUR GOD YE IS GETTING A UTERUS! IMMA BE THE FIRST PREGNANT MALE!
We were surprised that West was gracious enough to wait 20 whole minutes before stealing Rihanna’s thunder. Compared to the 2009 VMA awards, West was four five seconds from stealing Taylor Swift’s thunder. Did West mellow out after his collaboration with Paul McCartney? If so, this has been McCartney’s greatest accomplishment since forming The Beetles. We reached out to McCartney for the secret on how he healed West’s mental state with music. McCartney stared at us.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. Yes, West is a genius. Yes, he comes up with great stuff. Yes, I’m inspired by his musical feats. But he’s still batshit crazy. He needed photos of Kim Kardashian just to get over his writer’s block. I caught him spending hours scrolling through scantily clad photos of this amateur porn star during our recording session.
“It’s odd, isn’t it? Man could get any woman he desires, and he obsesses over one girl to get by? What happens if this girl leaves him? If the relationship falls down, who is Kanye gonna call now?”
McCartney had every right to be concerned. Following his separation from his wife, West went in a downward spiral. He attacked Pete Davidson publicly on Instagram, cut ties with rappers who supported Kardashian’s new relationship, and made bizarre accusations such as his former wife trying to institutionalize him. We have no idea how West truly feels about Kardashian, given that his moods change as rapidly as magician Léa Kyle changes her clothes. Regardless, we felt obliged to inform West privately that males can’t get pregnant. The 21st century schizoid man got incensed.
“The hell you saying? You say I can’t do anything? I’m KANYE WEST! Imma do anything I set my mind to. Someone tells me I can’t do nothing, Imma prove em wrong. Go watch Jeen Yuhs bro.
“People said I could never be a rapper when I was already a great producer. But I became the greatest rapper alive!
“People said I couldn’t turn sneakers into a luxury commodity. Even Mark Zuckerberg turned down my request for a billion dollar loan. But I turned Yeezys into a billion dollar brand!
“People said I wouldn’t become president. And they were right!
“I’m KANYE WEST. King Kong’s got nothing on me! I’ll definitely bring a child out of me! This is the next step to achieving the ultimate male potential. No other male alive has experienced child birth. I will be the first! I will go through the same experience women have been through.
“I’ll be the ultimate man. Imma deliver this baby harder, better, faster, and stronger than all other pregnant women. You’ll see. You all will see!”
West then closed his eyes and covered his ears. “Laaa, laaa, la la! Wait till I get my baby right! Laaa, laaa, la la! then you can’t tell me nothing, right?”
After West uncovered his ears, we asked him how he was trying to conceive a child when he doesn’t have a uterus. West beamed.
“Uterus transplant surgery, man. Transgender women have the possibility to get a uterus to conceive their own children. But that shit’s expensive for them! That’s why we don’t see many pregnant transgender women!
“Fortunately, I’m Yeezus. I can afford it. Imma get a uterus in me, get some eggs from Kimmie, and pump a child out of my pee-pee!
“Oh shit, I just rhymed! I didn’t even realize it! I’m this amazing at rap! I’m clearly an art god! But look, Imma do whatever it takes to bring my beautiful dark twisted fantasy to life!”
We struggled to understand whether a male conceiving a child is anatomically possible. Nevertheless, we pivoted and asked West why he badly wanted to get pregnant.
“I begged my ex-wife Kim to come back to me. Yes, I know I wanted to divorce her for 2 years. Yea, I falsely accused her of keeping our children away from me. Yea, I falsely accused her of hiring a doctor to lock me up in Wyoming. But now, I want her back.
“I asked her what it would take for her to return. Kimmie said that she’ll come back to me if I gave birth to a child.”
West sighed, and shook his head. “Fuck it. If that’s what Kim wants me to do, I’ll do it. I’ll do anything to save our marriage and family. Ain’t no question if I want it, I need it.”
We reached out to Kardashian on whether she was serious about returning to Kanye if he produces a child. She was alarmed.
“Oh, for Pete’s sake! It was a joke! I wasn’t actually serious! If Kanye wants to birth a child, that’s his prerogative. But I’ll get back with him over my dead body!”
We didn’t have the heart to relay this back to West, as we didn’t want to get arrested for second-degree homicide.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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Also, I’m pleased to announce that this is the 100th article I’ve published in Medium. Wow, 100 posts? Ok, I did have one of them removed by Medium, but still! What a journey it has been! What an honor for Kanye West to be the main subject of my 100th article! He should bow in the presence of greatness.
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