POLITICS, SOCIETAL INJUSTICE
Democrats Dissolve Roe vs Wade Due To Broke Ass Plaintiff
Money makes the world go round
NOTE: This piece covers a controversial topic (violence, death of children). Proceed with caution.
Sometimes, the best way to solve a problem is to throw money at it.
The Democrat Party realized too late that they should have taken this specific page out of the Republican Party playbook. In May 2, 2022, Roe vs Wade was overturned. This liberal landmark case, one that banned any federal or state laws that prevented abortions, was suddenly dismissed by a conservative majority.
We were amazed that conservatives would engage in this meaningless fight. Yes, they removed the federal ban on blocking abortions. But they never made abortions illegal. If a woman wants an abortion, all she has to do is move to a blue state.
We would like to congratulate Republican males for achieving a double whammy. Not only did they waste 49 years fighting for something that has nothing to do with them, but they also drove more women out of their hometown. Their red states are going to be full of so many dudes that San Francisco will be jealous of losing their 20-year long title of Sausage Fest City. Will this female exodus — The Trail of Tampons — cause the rest of these horny men left behind wonder if being gay is truly a choice?
These conservative males will try to force a woman to stay in a red state, however. They will limit her opportunities at a young age. Kentucky made child marriages legal under parental consent, so red states already have a blueprint to tie the women down before they hit puberty. But never fear, women. You do have a way to get out. Just kill your children.
We’re serious. It worked well for Casey Anthony. It worked well for the anti-vaxxers who exposed their unvaccinated children to COVID in order to avoid parental responsibilities. You can’t get arrested if you use the pandemic to kill your kids. You just claim that the GOP mislead you into thinking that COVID didn’t exist! Law enforcement will instead charge GOP officials for second-degree manslaughter.
Republicans shot themselves in the foot. They fought to overturn mask and vaccine mandates, claiming “my body, my choice.” Will these conservative males now force people to get vaccinated and wear masks just to avoid children dying? If they do, it’ll still be less shocking than what the Democrats did: support SCOTUS overturning Roe vs Wade.
This wasn’t just Democrat Senator Joe Manchin, who was brainwashed to prevent society from functioning. Key members of the Democratic National Committee opposed this landmark decision for political gain. We reached out to Chairman Jaime Harrison for a comment. Harrison began.
“First, President Joe Biden narrowly won the red state Arizona in the 2020 election. He’s not getting lucky again. Arizona has been anti-abortion since the tyrannosaurus rex discovered the meteor. If Biden were to win Arizona again, he needed to overturn Roe vs Wade during his presidency. Biden won’t feel morally conflicted, as he voted for states to overturn Roe v. Wade back in 1981.
“Second, what’s the point of supporting Roe vs Wade when the plaintiff opposed it? That’s right. Norma McCorvey, aka Jane Roe, spent her life after the case publicly regretting her involvement. She published books condemning abortions. She even asked SCOTUS to overturn the case in 2004!
“We were stunned. McCorvey started this case because she didn’t want to give up her child for adoption. She knew the horrors of foster care on a child’s growth. She even went so far as to lie that a group of black guys raped her just so Texas will grant her an abortion. Despite this, McCorvey went out of her way to overturn her lawsuit win years later.
“We reached out to McCorvey in 2017, when she was on her deathbed. In her last moments, she told us why she switched from pro-choice to pro-life. We recorded her response.”
Harrison pulled out a tape recorder and played McCorvey’s rant.
“You think I give a shit if a young woman wants an abortion? If she wants one, that’s her choice.
“So why did I promote pro-life? Simple. I WAS BROKE! I had no education. I was abused by my family at a young age. I was abused by my boyfriends so much that I became a lesbian¹. I got pregnant three times, and gave up all my kids for adoption. During my pregnancies, I had to stop working and struggled to pay my bills and healthcare. No one bothered to help me out financially.
“Where’s my money? I made history, and I was still discarded. Only my politicians and lawyers benefited from my situation. I pleaded with middle class and rich liberals for help. They just looked down on me! They somehow expect people to figure out how to make money through moral means. If you don’t share their political views or choose blue collar jobs/OnlyFans as income, they ostracize you!
“Those pretentious snobs refused to help me when I had no college degree, but had the nerve to attack me when I became pro-life. I’m sorry, but I’d rather be uneducated than be six figures in debt while learning Shakespeare. Furthermore, I don’t remember morality helping me pay the bills!
“Only pro-life groups and conservatives were willing to help me. They paid me to go on their shows to say that abortion is evil. Evangelical pastor Robert Schenck paid me $450,000 for all my years of pro-life advocacy! That was a bit more than what we agreed on! Apparently, he tried to make things fair after he pulled millions from my speeches.
“Regardless, I side with whoever got me out of poverty. Conservatives were the only group that stepped up!”
We were stunned at McCorvey’s willingness to screw over everyone in order to survive. That being said, McCorvey did so to obtain the basic right to live. If she had to go through such extremes to afford a simple life, then society has failed her.
We later asked Harrison what this means for the liberal’s fight for abortion. Harrison shook his head.
“We Democrats messed up. We shouldn’t have made a broke ass the face of a controversial and expensive procedure. We should have backed a celebrity who has all the wealth and fame to handle this.
“We’ll cut our losses this time. We’ll overturn Roe vs Wade and win back Arizona for 2024. In the meantime, we’ll partner with Hollywood celebrities whose careers succeeded after abortions. We’ll make sure our next Roe won’t go back on her words.”
We asked who would gladly become this face. Harrison smiled, “Why, none other than Fleetwood Mac singer Stevie Nicks! She stated that Fleetwood Mac wouldn’t have been created if she didn’t have her abortion.”
We reached out to Nicks, who confirmed this. “There’s just no way that I could have had a child then [in 1979], working as hard as we [Fleetwood Mac] worked. I would have had to walk away.” Nicks stated. “I have no regrets about having no kids, as I knew that the music we were going to bring was going to make so many people happy.” Nicks’s story was so popular, that Hollywood celebrities who had abortions funded the Democratic National Committee’s new lawsuit to make abortion legal: Hollywood v. Barrett.
Disclaimer. All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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Footnote #1: No, being gay is not a choice. But if you abusive straight males still think it is, then all the more reason to not beat your wives.
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