Frail Man-Children Confident They Can Win Gold In Women’s Gymnastics Solely Through Positive Thinking
Turns out you can qualify for the Olympics simply by listening to Tony Robbins’ audiotapes. Just ask the men who criticized Simone Biles, who announced that she wasn’t in the right headspace to compete.
The most dominant and decorated gymnast of all time withdrew from the final individual all-around competition at the Tokyo Olympic Games. We wondered why Biles stepped down so late in the game and reached out to the superstar privately. Biles agreed to speak the truth, on the condition that she will not repeat herself ever again. We flew to her house in Columbus, Ohio, where she sat down with us.
“I’ve won 30 Olympic and World Championship medals, thus putting USA gymnastics on the map. I sacrificed my childhood, well-being, and mental health to become one of the greatest to ever play the sport. I turned USA into an Olympic powerhouse that even Russia and China are envious of,” Biles solemnly began.
“And how does the USA Olympic committee thank me? They reward me with sexual abuse. They covered up doctor Larry Nassar’s child-raping activities since the 1990s. He’s now in jail, but the USA Olympic committee is still not helping me overcome this trauma. They have not paid any of us victims for the abuse we endured. They denied any legal duty to protect my underaged, female Olympians from other pedophiles in the committee. They evaded accountability in judicial maneuvering, despite Nassar pleading guilty in 2017. Even to this day, USA gymnastics chief Steve Penny is trading favors with FBI Agent Jay Abbott to cover up their crimes.
“I can’t perform my routine without suffering from PTSD whenever I get on that horse vault. With the stakes already high at the Olympics, there is no room for error. I can no longer compete at a high level when I have to focus on a pitch perfect routine while dealing with my trauma.”
We admired Biles for speaking up on mental health. The brain is a complex organ that needs time and space to heal from trauma. There is no shame in Biles walking away from an organization that took advantage of her. We then asked why Biles didn’t tell this story to the public.
Biles looked at us confused. “Have you seen how the media treats athletes? They don’t care about us; they care about soundbites that drive their clicks and views. If anything, they would pester me with more questions about my abuse. I’ve already struggled enough just by talking to you, and I’m not mentally ready to relive those experiences again through their badgering.”
We thanked Biles for commenting and reached out to her former teammate Jordan Chiles on her opinion. “No one really knows how much we had to overcome to even arrive at the gymnastics floor,” Chiles chimed in. “We did our best to encourage ourselves to do it for the love of the sport, but our share of abuse robbed us of any little joy we had left. We promised ourselves that if things got too tough for us to handle, we can leave whenever we wanted. It’s not our fault that USA Olympics Committee/Vatican Church protected their pedophiles over their youth.”
This logical explanation didn’t stop haters from commenting. A group of middle-aged, white men took time out of their precious day to criticize a 24-year old woman, blasting her for “giving up” so easily. These men, who spent their time devouring junk food and binge-watching Netflix and ESPN, criticized an Olympian for not being disciplined enough to compete.
“You’re part of a team and you left them hung and dry. I don’t care if your teammates support you, you’re still a quitter! Plain and simple!” a 68-year old boomer declared.
“Michael Fred Phelps III would NEVER! He competed year after year and won 28 medals! He never gave into those dark thoughts! He brushed it off and became a legend!” a 44-year old man declared. We reminded this man that Phelps thought about ending his life in 2014 because he saw himself as a swimmer and nothing else. Phelps is now promoting meditation and breathing as means to combat depression. The man accused us of spreading lies to tarnish America.
“Biles is representing USA. This is an honor to represent this great nation, and we get through all struggles head-on. Taking a break means she’s admitted defeat. This is a dishonor on her family. This is a dishonor on her country. We Americans never give up that easily!” a 31-year old claimed. He also bragged about how he’ll never give up on the election being “stolen” from Donald Trump.
“Everyone has problems. We just don’t dwell on them. This Nassar sicko was put behind bars 4 years ago. That should have been plenty of time to move on. She could have easily hid her emotions and performed like a man!” a 42-year old alcoholic stated. He later took another shot of Jameson and cursed his wife for leaving him 5 years ago.
“I told my kids that at all costs, you should never give up. Biles is a poor example of such, and my kids should not look up to her. I would be ashamed to be Bile’s father,” a 44-year old man stated. We asked the father if he would disown his daughter if she too couldn’t handle a traumatic experience while performing in front of a world audience. The father declined to comment.
We were shocked at the lack of compassion and empathy these men had. We haven’t seen this much insensitivity since celebrities blasted Chadwick Boseman’s cancer struggles on Twitter. Nevertheless, we were amused that a bunch of frail, weak men felt they had stronger resilience than an Olympian. Their confidence in their mental health inspired us to ask for any volunteers to fill the spot Biles left. We didn’t expect such a huge turnout.
“Hell, why not? If a woman can do it, so can I!”
“With an incredible attitude and positive mindset, anything is possible! Unlike these fools, I spent way less time at the gym and way more time at a meditation studio. I’m overqualified for this role!”
“I have no experience in gymnastics, but I was on my high school’s varsity soccer team. Ok, it was junior varsity and I was coming off the bench. But I should be in condition to do this simplistic sport if I put my mind to it!”
“We men don’t have biological constraints females have. We have no excuses holding us back. With our mental strength, we’d be perfect to represent USA in Female Gymnastics!”
These men also took the time to criticize other female Olympians for their poor “excuses”, and volunteered to take their spots as well.
- Sha’Carri Richardson — The Teen Titan formerly known as Starfire was banned for smoking weed after the death of her mother. A middle age man said that his kids inspired him to give up drugs, and he has found healthier ways to cope with a potential tragedy.
- Brianna McNeal — Fox New’s nightmare got an abortion during her scheduled drug test. The Olympic committee refused to reschedule the test, and suspended her. A 55-year old man boasted that he was drug free since 93, and that he has no pending abortion dates to coincide with future drug tests.
- Becca Meyers — The Hellen Keller swimmer dropped out of Team USA after realizing that she can’t bring her personal aid. A 29-year old healthy male claimed he doesn’t need an aid, as his near perfect hearing and eyesight alone will help him win the Paralympics Women’s Swimming Melees.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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Articles in Reference
Brianna McNeal out of Tokyo Olympics after five-year ban upheld by CAS (usatoday.com)
Is marijuana a performance-enhancing drug? The best evidence says no. | Popular Science (popsci.com)
