POLITICS
Tucker Carlson Ashamed For Not “Fixing” His Lust For Species of Brown Skin
What is love?
NOTE: This piece covers a controversial topic (domestic violence, abuse, sexual assault, hint of slavery).
This piece is both comical and messed up. It is one of my darkest pieces, as it takes inspiration from 12 Years A Slave. If you found that movie hard to watch, then you will NOT like this piece at all. If you have been turned off by any of my prior works (or if you’re triggered by any of the controversial topics I listed), then DO NOT READ THIS ARTICLE. Your mental health is not worth sacrificing for this nonsense.
There. I’ve warned you. If you’re still unafraid, then continue. Proceed with caution.
Just when you think Tucker Carlson’s rant on M&M’s no longer being sexy was absurd enough. Turns out his dark reasons for believing such takes this ridiculous tale to wuthering heights.
Carlson’s wife, Susan Andrews, sat with us to explain her husband’s erratic behavior. On January 21st, 2022, Carlson criticized Mars, Inc for making their candies less sexy just to promote inclusion and society. No, we’re NOT making this s*** up. We have pulled the following quote directly from Carlson’s mouth.
“The other big change is that the brown M&M has “transitioned from high stilettos to lower block heels,” also less sexy. That’s progress. M&Ms will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous. Until the moment you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any one of them. That’s the goal. When you are totally turned off, we’ve achieved equity. They’ve won.”
We honestly don’t know what to be amused by.
- A candy company thinking that kids would identify with/relate better to a chocolate concoction if these cartoons modernized their style. Although given that we have 471 genders, perhaps identifying as an M&M is nothing out of the ordinary.
- Carlson whining that a candy is no longer “sexy”. A 52-year old man is crying that he can no longer get a boner whenever he sees a chocolate cartoon. Are conservatives aware they’re watching a man who believes marriage can happen between man and food? Isn’t this against the Bible?
- A conservative accusing a female for no longer dressing provocatively. Maybe the female was tired of being told that she was “asking for it,” when all she ever wanted was to have fun and look good.
- A conservative not realizing that scantily clad cartoons would “corrupt” the nations’ youth. Seems like children will only stray from the lord’s light if the female in question is Cardi B.
- Carlson doing the exact same thing a year ago after discovering that Pepperidge Farm discontinued white chocolate macadamia nut cookies. History loves to repeat itself.
- The world improving drastically to the point where our source of conflict revolves on what a cartoon is dressed up as.
We were so dumbfounded by the events that transpired, that we hurt ourselves in our confusion. It’s why we needed his wife to make sense out of this frivolousness. The disgruntled wife agreed to spill the beans, as she was fed up being married to an abusive lunatic. “Tucker was never like this,” Andrews began. “We were madly in love when we married. He was an incredible fact checker for a respectable newspaper. Everything changed when he joined Fox News. He slowly embraced the role of the white supremacist. Tucker transformed into a 1950’s conservative male who decided to make all the decisions in the household. This man longed to have massive power over anyone who isn’t an old white male.
“Our marriage was on the rocks in the last few years. Despite our tumultuous relationship, Tucker amazingly had the grace to not hit me. Fox News couldn’t convince him to become a wife beater.
“That unfortunately changed when I introduced him to Ms. Brown, the brown M&M mascot. I brought a bag of brown M&M’s for Halloween in 2021. It was the only bag of candy left at Walmart, and I thought nothing of it. Little did I know that this would be the biggest mistake of my life.
“Tucker took one look at the brown candy and was instantly obsessed. He started spending more time with the candy, even neglecting our children and myself. He even expressed love for Ms. Brown while he was muttering in his sleep. One night, I heard some noise from our backyard and went down to investigate. I caught a glimpse of Tucker raping Ms. Brown in the gazebo.
“This shocking act wasn’t the first time; Tucker would continuously force himself on the brown concoction on a weekly basis. I approached him about this after a month of his actions, and he vehemently denied it. He even screamed at me for interfering in his affairs, claiming that his role as the sole provider gave him freedom to do whatever he wanted. I felt sad that my feelings were neglected.
“I never understood why Tucker would say romantic things to Miss Brown in one moment, but abuse her in the next. After watching 12 Years a Slave, I realized that Tucker’s relationship with Ms. Brown was similar to slave owner Epps’s relationship with his slave Patsey.
“Both Tucker and Epps loved and lusted for their objects of desires, but were unable to express themselves in a healthy manner. They both tried to destroy their mistresses in hopes of destroying the feelings they had for their “romantic” pursuits. It’s very fucked up, but not surprising.
“Both men were conditioned to love only white women, and haven’t learned how to properly handle their lust for species of brown/black skin. They can’t disclose their feelings to their conservative friends, as conservatives would see them as sinners for falling in love with objects they purchased.
“Tucker and Epps therefore convinced themselves that it’s ok to rape these female species as means to control their desires. Since they acquired such species through financial transactions, they thought they gained the right to control their lives. In the end, both Tucker and Epps had no equipment, intellect, or emotional intelligence to process their feelings.”
Andrews hung her head in shame.
“I’ll admit, I didn’t make Ms. Brown’s life easy. I was disgusted at how much attention Tucker was giving to her that I sought to make her unattractive. I abused Ms. Brown by throwing glass milk bottles and burning candles at her face in hopes of melting that lipstick smile off her face. I even ordered Tucker to sell Ms. Brown to Roger Ailas if Tucker wanted Ms. Brown to suffer sexually.
“But Tucker refused. Somewhere down the road, he made up his mind to torture everyone, including myself, as revenge for not being able to marry Ms. Brown. As the days went on, I became less of Catherine and more of Isabella to Tucker’s Heathcliffe. Tucker’s inability to process his feelings for an “inferior” skin color resulted in him emotionally and physically abusing me and our children.
“When Mars, Inc decided to recall Miss Brown and rebrand her, I thought I could get the old Tucker back. Unfortunately, this aggravated his anger. Tucker became sexually frustrated that he can no longer masturbate to sexy M&M’s. He’s been increasingly violent towards me and my kids, and is now hell bent on ruining all our lives just so we can’t feel love anymore.”
We were shocked that Carlson was immature enough to blame his actions on others. We hoped that Carlson wasn’t sexually assaulting other candy mascots such as Lemon Heads and the Hershey’s Kiss. Unfortunately, Carlson decided to channel his sexual frustration into aggressively pursing people with the name similar to that of the candy he once lusted after. We last heard of hip-hop artist Eminem taking to Twitter to expose all the private sexual advances Carlson made in the rapper’s DMs.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
Note: We have no idea if Tucker Carlson abused his wife. We fabricated it to make the Wuthering Heights/12 Years a Slave Comparison. Please find other reasons to hate on Carlson so that we don’t get sued for defamation.
On an unrelated note, why on earth do British folks think Wuthering Heights is one of the greatest romances of all time? Last time I checked, abuse and control does not equal to love. They probably have some power complex, given their desire to colonize everything.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
Thanks for reading! If you want to read more of my work, see my profile’s Table of Contents page.
If you’re a new user on Medium and feel that I’m funny enough to bing all my content in one day, you’ll need a membership fee to get unlimited access. If you want to subscribe for a membership, then please use this link. If you use this link instead of signing up like normal people, then I get paid.
Seriously. Please sign up through my link. I desperately need money to pay off my debts to the Yakuza.