Republicans Outraged that Pepperidge Farm Stopped Selling White Chocolate Macadamia Nut Cookies

Remember when macadamia nut cookies were sold in stores? Pepperidge Farm remembers.

Republican woman Karen Garcia complained to the QTC store about why they have no Pepperidge Farm White Chocolate Macadamia Nut Cookies, as they were no longer in stock. Garcia frequents the QTC on a weekly basis and found out that during the last 3 trips, those cookies she savored as a young 7-year old girl in the heat of Texas snow were never there.

Garcia was angry to find out that those cookies have been suspended by Pepperidge Farm.

“What is this madness? You’re telling me that it’s ok to have chocolate chip cookies, fudge brownie, peanut butter, but not white chocolate macadamia? Hell, you even have oatmeal raisin! Who the fuck eats oatmeal raisin? It’s a chocolate chip that lies.

“This is snack discrimination! The liberals have gone too far! I will not stand for them trying to cancel the cookies I loved as a little girl. They have no right in cancelling white chocolate macadamia nut just because it’s not as black or brown as the other cookies. It is absurd that they think that eating white macadamia nut cookies is racist!”

Garcia was so furious that she started a petition to bring White Macadamia Nut Cookies back to Pepperidge Farm and to stop cancel culture. This picked up 5 million signatures overnight and became a heated political debate.

Marjorie Taylor Greene screamed.

“Cancel culture has become absurd, now we have to take away products that people love? It’s just white nuts! There’s nothing wrong with wanting white over black! There’s nothing wrong with wanting white over brown!”

“This is an abomination and QAnon will not stand for this injustice! We will go after those satanic Pepperidge Farm pedophiles with all we got!”

Tucker Carlson ranted.

“See, this is what happens when you give Democrats power. They take away what you love.

“Pretty soon, they’ll take away your guns. Your rights. Your freedoms. Your kids. And mark my words, they will all be molested. Especially those delicious white nuts.”

Glenn Beck growled.

“Cookies. White. Chocolate. Nut. Cookies. When will America wake up and realize that this is FASCISM?

“You DON’T. DESTROY. COOKIES. This is an end of an era. It is the end of freedom in America, where you are bullied to the point where you don’t have that cookie.”

Tomi Lahren tweeted.

“We want White Chocolate Macadamia Nut cookies! And don’t you DARE offer me Pepperidge Farm Lemon cookies as a substitute!

“Lemon cookies aren’t white. They’re yellow. I refuse to eat a despicable creation that caused the coronavirus!”

We reached out to 50 different Democrat politicians to comment, one including President Joe Biden. All of them declined, stating that they’d rather focus their efforts on decreasing unemployment and eliminating the pandemic instead of worrying whether a dessert menu will be available.

But it seems that these Republican efforts have paid off. Pepperidge Farm printed out a statement.

“We struggled with selling White Chocolate Macadamia Nut Cookies, for it was our least popular product and our most expensive product to create. Hence, we got rid of it due to low demand.

“But America, we hear you loud and clear. Due to increased and excessive demand in the last few weeks, White Chocolate Macadamia Nut Cookies will be back on the shelves next month!”

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now

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