POLITICS

Adult Entertainment Stars Caught Manufacturing Weapons For Liberal Terrorist Leland Yee

Life after porn is interesting

Porn actors are taught to shoot for the stars, assuming the stars are nothing more than face tattoos. We just didn’t expect these actors to do so using weapons.

Nevertheless, adult entertainment stars claimed this was needed to survive in the pandemic world. COVID-19 affected the porn industry significantly. Adult entertainment stars are struggling to find work due to remote work and limited gatherings.

The majority resorted to OnlyFans to distribute content, but are angry that it’s geared towards well known celebrities. A female porn star by the name of Thomas Jefferson (her middle name was Thomas, and she grew up on Jefferson Avenue. This is the greatest porn star name we came across) complained that despite going out of her way to produce nasty and freaky content, she is still not as popular on OnlyFans as Bella Thorne.

“This 19-year old jumps on this platform, wears nothing but a bikini, and gets 1 million followers in one day. I had to take two cocks in my asshole just to get 10,000 followers in a week. Where’s the fairness and justice in that? I should be making more than her on Only Fans!” Jefferson ranted.

“Celebrity teen girls don’t even need the money! Why are they hurting our means for survival? Furthermore, female porn stars struggle to find work in their 30s. Not only will we get shunned for younger and active stars, we also won’t be able to find work outside of porn due to our past. How are we going to survive?”

Turns out there’s another lucrative way for these porn stars to financially survive, one that doesn’t involve granting Donald Trump (now Brandon Trump) sexual favors. Making weapons of mass destruction.

Ex-porn star Stormi Daniels got an email from disgraced Democrat politician Leland Yee on weapon production. Yee mentioned that there’s an untapped market for weapons in North Africa in Italy, and wanted to get in on this business opportunity. He discovered that Stormi Daniels would be the right point of contact, as he concluded from his research that MILFs make incredible weapons. Yee requested that Daniels and her MILF friends produced these weapons.

Daniels thought it was a joke, and ignored the email initially. However, she relented when Yee reached out again and wired Daniels $20,000,000 of taxpayer money as a down payment. “I had no idea how to build real weapons, unless they’re handcuffs,” Daniels admitted. “I just assumed Lee wanted sex toys disguised as weapons. I’m pretty famous on the internet and in American politics, so Yee probably knew what he was getting into.” Daniels gathered her MILF friends to make AK-47 rifles that use butt plugs for ammunition. They also made vibrator daggers and swords, grenades that explode lube when triggered, and mini S&M tasers. After shipping the weapons in bulk to Lee, Daniels received an angry call from Lee a few weeks later.

“He was furious that these were not actual weapons. I was surprised that he thought that I would know how to design killing machines. What is wrong with this dude?” Daniels admitted that Lee threatened to hire hitmen to kill Daniels for deceiving him. Scared, Daniels reported this to the FBI, who rearrested Lee for attempting to purchase guns for profit. After a thorough investigation, FBI Director Christopher Wray revealed his findings of this bizarre tale.

“Leland Yee was told that MILFs can create advanced weaponry. Yee was hoping to use their services to create weapons for black market clients, most notably terrorist organizations and radical movements. Yee desired to use government funds to hire MILFs to create weapons, and sell them at a much higher price on the black market. Yee would pocket the profit and manipulate the books so that the government doesn’t recognize his huge withdrawal. Yee also spoke up for gun control and against gun violence in video games, as he wanted to remove public suspicion of his weapon manufacturing interests.”

Wray covered his mouth to hide his laughter. “We asked Yee what he thought MILFs were. Yee responded that a Google search told him that there were Mothers-I-Like-to-F***. Stormi Daniels was one of those adult entertainment stars that popped up, so Yee hired her. As it turns out, the MILFs in topic weren’t porn stars, but members of an Islamic Philippines Radical Terrorist organization: Moro Islamic Liberation Front (MILF). This wasn’t conveyed to Yee, and he reached out to the wrong group of people.

“Regardless, we are happy that these bizarre events unfolded. Had Yee reached out to the Islamic organization, he would have used American taxpayer money to fund a coup that would overthrow the shaky government of the Philippines. This would have resulted in another nation that supports al-Qaeda, and we would have another threat to humanity.”

Yee was arrested for crimes against humanity and was kicked out of the Democratic Party. However, the Republican Party used their recent funds from al-Qaeda to pay for Yee’s bail. We last heard that Yee went to Kentucky to thank the Chief of Republican Relations With al-Qaeda: Mitch McConnell.

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

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