Horrible Bosses Sue Texas For Providing Their Grossly Underpaid Workers A Sustainable Livelihood As Abortion Bounty Hunters

Suing people and exploiting the minimum wage are two cornerstones of American commercialism. To our surprise, combining the two can benefit women’s rights greatly.

Women’s activism hit a snag when the Supreme Court dismissed vetoing a Texas state law that bans abortions in the red state. To take it a step further, Texas promised pro-life activists a $10,000 bounty to rat out on people planning to get an abortion, claiming that “snitches get riches.”

We encourage you readers to reread that previous sentence again, as we need to make clear that this bounty statement is NOT an off-color joke. Except for the “snitches get riches” part, everything else actually happened. Texas turned a dark humor joke, one that we’d normally pass off to our drinking buddies on a Wednesday trivia night, into a law.

We wondered if we should put our satire on hold and scrub our prior content just so Texas doesn’t get any more bird-brained ideas. Perhaps we owe an apology to our platform, Medium, for taking down one of our prior posts. However, we remembered that the revered leader Franklin D. Roosevelt claimed, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” We realized that our fear of “inspiring” Texas to make terrible laws is imaginary. We must continue to push on with our satire (apologies to all our haters and trolls), and show how moronic Texas is. As it turns out, our enemies already beat us to it.

Houston Rockets owner Tilman Joseph Fertitta filed a massive lawsuit, on behalf of various medium and small business owners in Texas, to sue the state for making this law. We were surprised that Fertitta, a billionaire known for cutting costs and exploiting his restaurant and casino workers just to fund his mega yachts, would care about women’s rights. We wondered if Fertitta grew a conscience and recognized how this law makes it harder for his existing female workers to perform their jobs. We reached out to this cheap quiche to inquire more on his recent advocacy, only to receive a disappointing response.

“Governor Gregg Abbot is insane! He should have been voted off years ago! How is this so-called ‘conservative’ passing laws to hurt restaurants and businesses who can only afford to hire workers on minimum wage!”

Tillman screamed as he chucked his glass of Jack on the Rocks across the room. He then went behind his dark redwood desk and flipped it over.

We asked Fertitta how an anti-abortion law hurts him. “COVID hit us all,” Fertitta snapped.

“I took out loans to buy the Houston Rockets and multiple restaurants and casinos. I went nearly in debt to become a billionaire on paper! I lost all my cash flow and revenue streams thanks to COVID, and had to downsize from 20 mansions to 2 just to cover my losses. It didn’t help that many of my minimum wage employees quit their jobs, as no one wants to work anymore due to free stimulus cheques.

“Fortunately, I was still able to get by on downsizing even further. I incentivized the remaining employees to work for longer hours for a chance at a $1.50 pay bump in their hourly salary. I sold all my 15 Ferraris and fired my limo driver just to scrape up enough money to make my businesses survive. I even had to swallow my pride and buy a used 2015 Toyota Corolla!

“I’ve been cutting my workers’ pay in half and skimping costs on maintainable working conditions just so I can keep my single yacht afloat! Now, Abbot is screwing over my business and my personal life over through this bounty. All my employees quit their jobs because they could make even more money reporting abortions in Texas. $10k per bounty? They can easily report an abortion per month and make 10x more than the salary I provided them!

“Who the hell wants to work at my company anymore? I can’t afford to pay them this much, maintain an excellent work culture, AND fund my extravagant lifestyle! Something’s got to give, and I’ve sacrificed enough!

“Abbot clearly doesn’t give a s*** about capitalism. He is going against traditional conservative business values in favor of the millennial gig economy. He’s just given more incentive for these lazy workers of mine to never have a 7–12 job ever again! Abbot is punishing us hardworking Americans for chasing the conservative dream of building a successful empire on top of exploiting worthless humans.”

We have no words for Fertitta’s comments. While we are disgusted at Fertitta putting the dollar over human rights, we do support any attempts to ban this law. We decided to follow the “enemy of my enemy is my friend” advice, and support this frivolous lawsuit in a hail-marry attempt to gain women their rights back. Regardless of the lawsuit outcome, we do caution females to work for Fertitta. We wouldn’t be surprised if this cheapskate wants an all-female staff simply to pay only 70% of what he paid for his original staff.

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

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UPDATE: On October 6, 2021, a Federal judge in Texas issued an order to block the state’s abortion ban.

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