HISTORY, SOCIAL INJUSTICE
Proud Boys Chapter Question Their Terrorist Policies After Mistaking One Of Their Own As Black
White nationalism black-fires
NOTE: This piece covers a controversial topic (racism). Proceed with caution.
White nationalism black-fires in spectacular fashion.
Citizens in the rural town of LaGrange, Missouri long for the good old days of white people. They are not used to seeing people of different races, and so shun them because they look different. The hatred towards non-white folk is so strong that a Proud Boys Chapter formed to “purify the town’s filth”.
Leader McGregor Stevens organized subtle racism efforts to discriminate against minorities. He instructed his white nationalist buddies to avoid doing business with non-white folks. He bought NRA rifles in bulk so his organization can threaten minorities. “We need to drive these minorities out of town, for our sanity,” Stevens stated. “It is unnatural to see anyone else but a white man making a difference in the world. I would hate to resort to violence to get rid of them, but I will do so if it means making America great again.”
Despite Stevens’s efforts, LaGrange’s minority population slightly increased. Furthermore, his antics caught ahold of the Black Lives Matter chapter in Missouri. Stevens received a lot of hate mail and protests on his lawn due to his racist tendencies. Stevens was shocked. “This is maddening. Why are these people attacking me? I’m only a simple man who wants to live out his life. I deserve not to be silenced for my outspoken racism!”
Stevens was so angry that he gathered his members to lynch an African-American farmer Raymond T. Grant. Grant moved into Stevens’s town in August 2021, and Stevens wished to get rid of him. He gathered up his Proud Boys and snuck into Grant’s house on the night of February 13, 2022. The white supremacists beat Grant to unconsciousness before hanging him on a tree bark. After such a violent attack, rain started to pour heavily. Stevens and the Proud Boys quickly raced back to their Neo-Nazi pub to avoid getting drenched, and celebrated their assault over a round of Keystone Light beers and well-done steaks.
“This will teach them not to mess with us. We are strong! We are manly! We’re not kids anymore!” Stevens roared, unaware that the name of his group was taken from a song of Disney’s Aladdin. However, their glee was short lived. Local Missouri police came in and arrested Stevens on the spot for murder of a citizen. Stevens scoffed. “What citizen? That n*****? He don’t belong in these parts!”
The police chief stared at Stevens. “No, we’re arresting you for the murder of farmer Jefferson Lay.”
Stevens was confused. “Jeff? I didn’t kill him. Why would I kill a fellow Proud Boy? I haven’t heard from him since June! I just came back from killing a n*****! I didn’t kill no white man!”
The chief was bewildered at Stevens’s admission. “Then can you explain why a white man is hung from a noose in front of his farm?” The chief pulled out a picture of the scene of the crime. Stevens’s jaw dropped.
“Wait…that’s Jeff. And I was just at that place. But what is this witchcraft? I could have sworn I killed a n*****.” Stevens was furious and started bellowing at the sky. “Curse you black devils for practicing magic with Satan!” he screamed as he was hurled away in a police car.
We reached out to Jefferson Lay’s wife, Alma, as we were curious how a black man turned white. Alma solemnly revealed the truth.
“Jefferson was always a farmer. He grew up on a farm and spent all his life there. It’s the only skill he knows. With competition from commercial farms, we are struggling to live above the poverty line. We have 3 kids and can’t afford to send them to college. We are deep in debt and may have to sell the farm to avoid bankruptcy. We heard the government would pay off our $200,000 loan, which would be a huge relief for us. Unfortunately, the government would only give that financial aid to minority farmers.”
Alma clenched her fists.
“It’s so unfair. Why should we white farmers be discriminated for not being black? Why should blacks get all the help just by doing nothing?”
We interrupted Alma’s frustration by stating that African-American farmers dealt with far more hurdles than white farmers. As Stevens has shown, many uneducated white farmers and rural businessmen still see themselves as the superior race, and will undercut African-American farmers on business deals.
Furthermore, African-American farmers were routinely screwed over by the white men in the past. White patrons, those who promised non-white farmers huge tracts of land in exchange for their votes during the Reconstruction era, reneged on their deals. White-owned banks refused to give out loans to non-white farmers based on the color of their skin. All these racist practices affected current African-American farmers, who still make significantly less on average than white farmers. If Jefferson Lay’s family was on the poverty line, then African-American farmers would be on the near-death line.
Alma then argued that non-white farmers should have spoken up on their horrors instead of being “passive.” We countered with the fact that a black farmer in 1900s Leflore County organized a protest to retaliate these racist conditions. White farmers responded with killing as many as 100 black farmers and sharecroppers, along with women and children. African-Americans chose not to speak up in fear of risking their lives.
With all these threats and racist business deals, black farmers have lost almost 800,000 acres of land between 1950–1964, which is equivalent to a loss of $3.7 billion to $6.6 billion in today’s dollars. The government loans to help minority farmers today are reparations for the racial hardships their ancestors suffered.
Alma finally understood why African-American farmers deserved the money more than white farmers. Nevertheless, she felt her family needed some form of retribution.
“We read up on Fred Armisen’s blackface story in the local newspaper in May 2021. A white actor going to extreme lengths to play a black Hollywood action star named Wesley Snipes gave us a brilliant idea. If Jefferson could impersonate a black farmer for 10+ months, we could qualify for that minority grant.”
Alma brought this up with her husband Jefferson Lay, who was against the idea of becoming “inferior”. However, Alma reminded him that she was expecting another girl on the way, and their finances are dwindling. Lay swallowed his pride and reluctantly agreed to be “black”. He cut ties with his Proud Boys friends in June 2021, sold his current land to buy a smaller land at a cheaper price, and sent Alma and the kids to stay at another nearby town. Lay would then rub his face with charcoal every day to maintain his charade as Raymond T. Grant. To avoid violent altercations from the Proud Boys, Lay spent his free time watching 12 Years A Slave (both the original and the sequel) to impersonate a subservient African-American.
In a matter of months, Lay mastered his charade so well that Stevens decided to lynch him. The police chief saw Lay instead of Grant suspended from a branch after the rain washed off all of Lay’s blackface makeup. The chief claimed that Lay’s corpse looked so white that he revived himself to help Frodo destroy Sauron’s ring.
Upon learning this information, Stevens collapsed in his jail cell.
“Wait…I killed my own brother? Why didn’t he tell me he was struggling? I could have helped him out! He didn’t have to go to such extremes to make money.”
Stevens started sobbing.
“What have I done! How was I so blinded by my hate that I couldn’t see the truth? Now my friend is dead and it’s all my fault!”
Stevens was later sentenced to a lifetime in prison. The Proud Boys Chapter quickly disbanded after losing their leader.
We later came back to this town in March 2022, one month after Steven’s murder. The Proud Boys are no more. LaGrange has seen a massive uptick in minority representation for farmers. The newly-elected mayor bragged about how diverse this farming town is, and how they were able to stop white supremacy. We were impressed at how the town changed their racial prejudices so quickly. Our admiration was short lived when we noticed an open dumpster full of empty black Zenovika face paint bottles.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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Articles in Reference
A Windfall for Minority Farmers Divides Rural America — The New York Times (nytimes.com)
