Wesley Snipes Is None Other Than Fred Armisen in Blackface

TMZ Reporter Harvey Levin uncovered a shocking and horrifying twist during his investigation of sleeper Netflix hit “Dolemite is My Name”.

“Dolemite Is My Name” showcased the talents of both comeback star Eddie Murphy and rising star Keegan-Michael Key. Surprisingly, it also portrayed the hidden talents of fallen star Wesley Snipes.

“Snipes was unexpectedly hilarious! He carried that movie as much as LeBron James carried Cleveland!” ~ Pete Travers

Roger Ebert was so inspired by Wesley Snipes’s career resurrection that he himself rose from the grave to leave a glowing review.

Levin launched a thorough investigation of how the robotic, deadpan vampire slayer could end up being a personable, sassy director.

“We haven’t seen this much character variety since Daniel Day-Lewis. Could it be that Hollywood misused Wesley Snipes all along?”

Turns out Levin’s admiration was crushed when he discovered a horrifying secret: Wesley Snipes was actually Fred Armisen in blackface all along.

Dubbed as the 2020 Mili Vanilli, this scandal sent shockwaves throughout the entertainment industry. Gayle King left her bottomless mimosa brunch with Oprah to sit down with Armisen in a full-length interview. Armisen came clean about these rumors.

“It’s true, I’m Wesley Snipes. I’ve always wanted to be in Hollywood, as I had the talent to impersonate a variety of different characters. But nobody wanted to hire a German-Korean-Venezuelan-Brazilian skinny man with an eccentric humor taste as a blockbuster star.”

Armisen shakes his head.

“It’s so frustrating, isn’t it? I’m a chameleon! I can play literally anyone. I played a hipster woman, a Venezuelan dictator, Barrack Obama, a middle eastern terrorist, Steve Jobs, Michael Bloomberg, Prince, and even a fucking Smurf! You give me a character, I can play it.

“So why won’t any of the major studios take a chance on me to be the next Chris Hemsworth? Chris Pratt did it, so can I!”

Armisen sighed.

“It’s so frustrating to be consistently ignored for being damn good at your job.”

Armisen said the concept of Wesley Snipes came up when he met SNL alumni Eddie Murphy in 1984. The two crossed paths when Murphy overslept on his metro ride and ended up in Valley Stream, New York. Murphy walked into Sapphire Bar & Lounge to phone SNL producer Lorne Michaels and requested a pick up on Michaels’s private jet.

After bestowing a harsh rant on Murphy once again misusing company funds, Michaels agreed to meet him in 40 minutes. Murphy sat down, ordered a Daiquiri, and watched Armisen playing the drums in his band on stage.

“I was captivated by his presence,” Murphy responded when we reached out for comment.

“It’s not every day you see a solo drummer also singing a merengue cover of When Doves Cry.”

Murphy waited for the performance to finish to then introduce himself to Armisen. Armisen remembered feeling star-struck by Murphy’s concentric chest hairs protruding out of his valentine red leather jacket.

Armisen sheepishly admitted.

“I don’t remember my conversation with him. I was delirious.”

Michaels walked in with enough ammo to yell at Murphy, but cooled down when Murphy introduced him to Armisen. Michels ordered an impromptu performance. With little time, Armisen grabbed two silver knives, a couple of glasses, and constructed a symphonic beat while singing Al Jolson’s Mammy.

While Michaels was captivated by Armisen’s imagination and creativity, he was worried that Armisen’s current looks wouldn’t increase ratings. Michaels then told Murphy to wait for him in the jet. When Murphy left, Michaels turned to Armisen and asked.

“Can you impersonate a black Chuck Norris?”

Armisen remembered giving an incredible rendition of what could be described as Denzel Washington after his testicles dropped.

Michaels then wrote down 30 Rockafeller Center, gave it to Armisen, and told him to visit him tomorrow at 9:30 AM. Michaels then called makeup artist and costume designer Molly Maggins to commission a jacked African-American costume. Michaels later told Armisen that he was to disguise himself as an African-American, hard-assed, no-nonsense martial artist.

Armisen initially objected.

“Why should I pretend to be a completely different race? This is incredibly offensive! Also, why do I have to study martial arts? I’m a pacifist!”

Yet, Michaels insisted on these requirements and promised Armisen a role in SNL if he succeeds as this character. Armisen later relented and chose Snipes to aptly describe his witty barbs. He went with Wesley as the first name, as Armisen wanted to shove it into Wesleyan University for rejecting his application.

Armisen/Wesley Snipes later starred in a slew of 1990s blockbuster hits (White Man Can’t Jump, Demolition Man, Blade). True to his word, Michaels cast Armisen as a featured performer in 2002 for SNL. This was around the time that Armisen realized he wanted to retire Wesley Snipes.

“I thought Michaels was being racist, but he understood the industry trends. In the 90s, blaxploitation was making a comeback in Hollywood. African Americans were getting meatier and bankable action roles that were originally meant for white people. Wesley Snipes ended up being my decade-long audition to prove to Michaels that I have what it takes to succeed in the entertainment industry, and achieve my lifelong goal of being a Hollywood action star.

“Little did I know, Wesley Snipes became far bigger than what I have imagined. I was getting calls and offers to portray the same badass black superhero and I found it hard to escape the character. People only wanted a fictional character that doesn’t represent who I really am.

“I wanted to play other unique characters, and SNL was the only place to give me the opportunity to do so. To escape Snipes, I ended up acting out and became harder to work for just to receive fewer offers. I came on to set late, called people racist for no reason, was aloof towards my cast mates, communicated with my director via Post-it notes, and got stoned 24/7. Hell, I even went so far as to piss of Deadpool during my work on Blade 3!”

“I wanted to focus on SNL and never play Wesley Snipes ever again. But I still kept my Nokia 8110 in case my agent had other offers that only Wesley could play. Fast forward now, I heard that Eddie Murphy was looking for a supporting character in Dolemite Is My Name. The role was too good to pass up, and it opened a new dimension that I could emulate a black man as.”

When asked if Armisen ever thanked Eddie for kickstarting his career, Armisen said no.

“I couldn’t bear myself to tell him the truth. He was so happy to work with a man he deeply respected in the business: Wesley Snipes. It also warmed my heart to be called a n**** among the African-American community.

“Eddie, if you’re watching this, please know that from the bottom of my heart, I’m truly sorry for deceiving you.”

Murphy was aghast and hurt that both Armisen and Michaels lied to him. He then went on a 50-minute rant on national television.

“The nerve of Armisen to work with me for a full year and still keep his identity a secret. I got him his big break! I am the reason people give a shit about Koreans!

“And Lorne? What was he smoking? Why wouldn’t he run this riDICKulous idea by me? I was in THE ROOM where it happened! How dare he treats me like Aaron Burr.

“I’m EDDIE MURPHY, dammit! I saved his fucking show! I put SNL on the map! I am the reason Lorne is still relevant! SNL has never been the same without me. I finally came on the show in 2019 to forgive you all for that wisecrack about my career in 1995, and skyrocketed your ratings.

“This stunt is the final nail in the coffin. I’m never coming onto SNL ever again.”

In light of these recent events, the IRS reopened Wesley Snipes’s tax evasion case. The FBI is taking this case of identity fraud very seriously and is launching a full investigation.

Levin reported rumors that the FBI is also doubting Kevin Garnett’s comedic talent in Uncut Gems. There’s a strong suspicion that Garnett might have been current SNL castmate Pete Davidson all along.

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

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