ENTERTAINMENT, SOCIETY
Lord Of The Rings Cancelled For Promoting Unrealistic Dating Standards
Has cancel culture gone too far?
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them. In the Land of Matrimony where the Shadows lie.
The opening of The Fellowship Of The Rings underwent a woke revision. Cancel culture has attacked a cinematic masterpiece for its offensive nature. Surprisingly, the social justice warriors (SJW) haven’t slammed Peter Jackson for not casting any black people. No, the orcs don’t count.
Proud SJW Hillary Ruth Lewis IV posted this on the social media network that is almost as extinct as Twitter: Tumblr.
“The First Amendment guarantees the right to free speech. It doesn’t guarantee freedom of consequences. If we Social Justice Warriors find something offensive, we will cancel it!
“It’s shocking we found The Lord of The Rings original trilogy unacceptable for current times. Upon rewatching, all 12 of us agree that this is more offensive than The Hobbit trilogy.
“Why would we cancel the work of the man who put New Zealand back on the map? What if we told you that females loathe its anti-marriage message.”
Lewis IV listed the following critiques from various females.
- “This movie is all about a group of bros helping a small man travel across the land, fighting orcs and monsters, starving to death, and climbing up lava mountains just to throw a ring into the fire. Afterwards, peace is restored to the universe. Is this a symbol of the liberation from divorce? Does J.R.R Tolkein hate marriage? Is this a bros before hoes concept?”
- “Once Frodo puts on a ring, he disappears forever. His bros never see him. Is this symbolism for how men feel trapped in marriages?”
- “In the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy, no two female characters ever speak to each other. Their sole purpose is to talk to the men and help them on their journeys. Why is it that women can’t choose chicks before dicks? Why are women’s sole purpose to entertain their male love interests?”
- “Why is it that the only person who cares about a ring is a 100-year-old, ugly, mentally deranged hag? Why is it that the people who want to protect the ring are ugly orcs, evil leaders, and jealous men who only care for its beauty? What does this say about women who love rings and commitment? That they should settle for old, ugly man-children?”
- “What’s the message here? That women in their teens are better off settling for 100-year-old stalkers who watch them sleeping? Because that’s the plot of Twilight. If they’re going to rip off Twilight, then at least make Frodo have a pale six-pack! Gollum’s doesn’t count.”
Lewis IV then continued.
“It’s a shame we have to cancel The Lord of The Rings for its misogynistic views. It makes more sense to cancel The Hobbit trilogy, but people know better than to watch these CGI-drenched puppets for 3 hours.
“No, women aren’t hating things that men enjoy. Even men hate these movies.”
Lewis IV listed the following critiques from various males.
- “Samwise Gamgee, is a man born on this earth. His sole purpose is to serve Frodo through thick and thin. This is the most unrealistic part of Lord of the Rings! No sane person will devote his life to another person that isn’t his/her child! This promotes toxic traits such as neediness and dependency in a relationship! Now, our girlfriends expect us to be as loyal and subservient as Samwise Gamgee!”
- “Aragon rejects Eowyn because his heart belonged to someone else. To get over her feelings, Eowyn focuses on herself and becomes a badass. What is J.R.R Tolkein implying here? That women can achieve the best versions of themselves if they disregard men? Are men really the root of all evil?”
- “Fuck Boromir! Dude betrays the fellowship at the last minute! Now, my girl keeps on hitting me in her sleep because she fears that I will betray her like Boromir did!”
- “What’s the message here? That men in their teens should kill a global villain with no nose just to have ladies fall in love with them? Because that’s the plot of Harry Potter. Why are we expecting men to be superheroes to get some pussy? Down with Lord of The Rings! Down with Harry Potter!”
Lewis IV continued.
“Ok, so there are people who now hate Harry Potter. We don’t need to cancel that. J.K. Rowling‘s transphobic tweets already did that.
“Still, women hate these movies for their unfair portrayal of marriage and commitment. Men hate these movies for their unfair portrayal of being a reliant man. The Lord of the Rings is promoting unhealthy dating expectations. This must be gone!”
We reached out to Lewis IV to ask if her actions were extreme. Director Peter Jackson has been married to his wife since 1987. Why would he direct 3 movies bashing marriage?
“It’s not about what the director intended it as. It’s how the audience perceived it as. No matter what your goal is, the customer is always right.
“We would be fine with replacing the ring with something else. Perhaps digitally alter the ring with a KFC 16-piece chicken bucket. Now, this movie will be vegetarian-friendly.”
Lewis IV then created a kickstarter campaign to urge Jackson to rename his movies to “The Lord of the Wings.” Within one week, the campaign reached $1,000,000. All the donations came from members of PETA.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
Thanks for reading!
If you want to read and laugh more, visit Dr. Funny’s homepage.
If you desire black comedy and political humor, see my profile’s Table of Contents page.
If you’re a new user on Medium and feel that I’m funny enough to bing all my content in one day, you’ll need a membership fee to get unlimited access. If you want to subscribe for a membership, then please use this link. If you use this link instead of signing up like normal people, then I get paid.
Seriously. Please sign up through my link. I desperately need money to pay off my debts to the Yakuza.