POLITICS, SPORTS
Kamala Harris Plans To Rescue Brittney Griner Just To Imprison The WNBA Star Herself
Black-on-black crime
Leave it to a Democrat to get Republicans wishing for the good old days of smoking peyote rolled in corn husks. At least the Russian police would find this acceptable over smoking marijuana joints.
Russian police sentenced WNBA star Brittney Griner to 9 years in prison. We were surprised that Russia didn’t detain her because she was either American or black. We congratulate Russia for their progressive nature by not detaining Griner for being a gay female. However, Russia doing so would be disrespectful to their first transgender female leader in history: Vladimir Putin.
Shockingly, Russia claimed they sentenced Griner for carrying cannabis vape cartridges in her backpack. We were amused that Russians hate stoners. Stoners are the best group for Putin to appease, as they do absolutely nothing when high. They would rather call a DoorDash taxi to deliver them flaming hot Cheetos than protest in front of buildings to stop fascists from controlling Russia. How are these marijuana partakers going to care about political corruption when they’re baked out of their minds?
This cruel and unusual punishment caused Vice President Kamala Harris to slam Putin for unfairly oppressing Americans. Harris tweeted.
She should be released immediately. Biden and I, and our entire Administration, are working every day to reunite Brittney, as well as Paul Whelan, with loved ones who miss each of them dearly.
We were surprised Harris supports Griner’s release, as Harris has a history of arresting people on marijuana based crimes. We reached out to Harris on her newfound support for weed. Harris glared at us.
“You think I support marijuana? I OPPOSE it! I’ve been against California’s marijuana legalization ballot initiative since it was written! I locked up 1,970 people for marijuana under my term as attorney general in the Golden State.
“I vocally support it because I’m Vice President! Democrats are behind medical marijuana. I can’t go against my party vocally! That’s why I supported it in 2018!
“Still, people were right to call out my hypocrisy. To them, I argue. People can change beliefs over time. That’s how humans learn and grow. If Mormon flip-flopper Mitt Romney is praised for doing so, then why am I criticized? Is it because I’m black? Is it because I’m a woman? I’ll play all the cards I got to win this argument.”
Harris muttered.
“Dammit! No one respects me anymore. They would rather listen to Romney. Although I’m pretty sure these people really think this dude has binders full of women.
“How is it that I struggle to be admired? I’m black! I’m Indian! I’m a woman! I’ve achieved the highest political position in all 3 minority groups, and I will not be silenced! Ok, maybe another black person had more success than me. I forgot about ex-President Barrack Obama.
“At this point, I should get people to respect me through fear. My colleagues already hate my authoritarian and strict style. I have subordinates leaving my administration like doves. Even my cabinet gives Rodney Dangerfield more respect than me.
“Fuck it. I might as well own the hate. I’ll be America’s greatest dictator since Dick Cheney. I will bring back Griner, but only if I can put her in jail myself. I’m still against weed, and I need to send a message to anyone who crosses the line. Furthermore, America can profit off her incarceration.
“This is a win for me, a win for America, and a loss for the WNBA. But no one watches women’s basketball anyways, so the loss is trivial.”
We were surprised that a politician would deceive the public once again. We asked Harris how she would bring back Griner. Harris smirked.
“We’ll just Argo it. We’ll tell Vladimir Putin that we Americans are shooting a new Star Wars film that stars a transgender female as the main character. We’ll say we casted Griner in the lead role, and shoot scenes with her. In the middle of production, we’ll escort her by plane to a nearby NATO country for film shooting, and help her escape for good.”
We asked Harris if Russia would be willing to let Griner shoot scenes with zero supervision by the Moscow City Police. Harris smiled.
“Duh! The police will trust us! Putin would be touched that we’re giving transgender females representation in Hollywood! Russians will be pleased that America is supporting their transgender female leader by casting one of her kind in a movie!”
We asked Harris if Putin would even believe that a Star Wars film is being maid. Putin would not believe that Disney would give the reigns of the franchise to an athlete who has no acting skills. Furthermore, Putin would be suspicious of a new movie being created so soon after the disastrous Rise of Skywalker.
Harris shrugged.
“Hiring an athlete to star as a lead character is not out of the norm. Dwayne Johnson was casted as Black Adam. Ray Allen was casted as Jesus Shuttlesworth. Kevin Garnett was casted as Smeagol. Oh wait, that’s Andy Serkis. Then why was Garnett obsessing over precious jewelry on the big screen?
“Furthermore, Disney already casted Priyanka Chopra-Jonas as Jar Jar Binks in their new TV series.
“They handed the reigns of an unpopular supporting character to a Bollywood star. Disney has no problem hiring people of unconventional backgrounds for major roles.
“Disney’s new TV series staring Chopra-Jonas will convince Putin that a new film is being planned. He won’t feel suspicious about the timing. Through this genius plan, we can save a WNBA star and not give up an arms dealer in exchange. This plan is bound to succeed because it was created by Americans!”
We were shocked at how little thought Harris put into her Argo attempt. This Argo plan is bound to fail so hard that it should have been called F-Argo. Given that Harris has plans to profit off Griner’s suffering, Harris’s motives are dark enough to be written into an episode on the TV show Fargo.
We pivoted back to ask why Harris really wants to imprison Griner for marijuana cartridges. Harris already made headlines for using morse code to get Mexicans to kidnap her and to send her to Mexico.
Mexico already legalized weed. If Harris is still hell bent on going to Mexico, then why would she vocally oppose marijuana and discourage Mexicans from helping her leave USA?
Flustered, Harris declined to comment.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
UPDATE: On December 8, 2022, Brittney Griner was released from Russia prison in exchange for arms dealer Viktor Bout.
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