SPORTS
Kevin Garnett Blasts Kevin Durant For Being A Bitch
Dishonor to the name Kevin
We would make fun of women for watching The Bachelor for meaningless drama. We chose not to when we realized men watch the NBA for the same reasons.
Basketball soap opera superstar Kevin Durant has requested a trade a day after his best friend Kyrie Irving re-upped with the Brooklyn Nets. This shocked sports fans around the world, as Durant still had 3 years left of a deal he signed last year. We, however, were not surprised that Durant once again made a controversial move that angered millions.
Durant’s actions have pissed off so many former stars, particularly Brooklyn Nets legend Kevin Garnett. ESPN decided to broadcast these two getting in a heated match through a Zoom meeting, titling the segment We Need to Talk About Kevin. We tuned in to watch a moody pre-teen get berated by a psychotic Uncle Phil.
Garnett
“Nets gave you everything you asked for. So why you wanna bitch out? You soft as Charmin? Fuck outta here, mama’s boy.”
Durant
<Stares at Garnett. Pulls out his phone. Tweets the following>
@KevinGarnett5KG The ones who were locked in that gym with me know what it is, they know what I’m about. If u haven’t been in there with me, ask around
Garnett
“Oh hell no! Trash ass n****! You can’t speak to me face to face? You need Twitter to fight your battles?”
Durant
<Tweets>
@KevinGarnett5KG I type faster than I talk. What you want to know?
Garnett
“Why you hate Brooklyn? I played for them. They are legit. They are loyal. They give you help.”
Durant
<Tweets>
@KevinGarnett5KG I didn’t like playing for the organization or playing for Joe Tsai. This roster isn’t that good. It’s just me and Kyrie. I can’t win with these cats.
Garnett
“Shit outta here n****! You brought this on yourself. Not Tsai.
“Nets had a great coach in Kenny Atkinson, but you chose inexperienced Steve Nash. Nets had great center in Jarrett Allen, but you chose James Harden. You then gave up Harden for a shell-shocked Ben Simmons cause you didn’t care nothing about Harden’s desire to win. You only cared about siding with Irving’s feelings on anti-vaccination!
“Now, you wanna jump ship cause the Nets did what you wanted? Going gets tough and you bail? You gonna take the hardest road and join Golden State again?”
Durant
<Tweets>
@KevinGarnett5KG you trippin. I ain’t going back. I want to beat Steph and show him that he needed me.
Garnett
“You sniffing glue? Golden State won without you. Twice. 2015 before you joined. 2022 after you left them high and dry.
“If you wanted to win, then why the fuck did you leave Golden State? You got your panties in a twist when Draymond Greene said that they didn’t need you?”
Durant
<Tweets>
@KevinGarnett5KG It wasn’t the argument. it was the way that everybody, even Steve Kerr, acted like it didn’t happen. We tried to dance around it. That shit was weird to me. I rather us be who we say we are. Family first. Communication is key. We didn’t show that, and that’s what rubbed me the wrong way.
Garnett
“If that’s what bothered you, then why didn’t you speak up? Why you ignored them and stayed silent?”
“Family calls each other out when things go wrong. Family isn’t afraid to wear their heart on their sleeves between each other. Family allows each other to have a moment, and move on. Instead of bringing it up, you left it ignored and added your own petty drama into it. You’re such a big baby! I should know. I played with a dude named Big Baby!
“I’m Kevin Garnett. I talk shit way better than you bullshit. I brought grown ass men like Joakim Noah down. What Greene said to you was nothing compared to what I can do to you. Kerr ignored you because this issue was trivial. Jesus, that motherfucker got a black eye from Michael Jordan during practice, and he still got Jordan’s trust to sink a game winner in the Finals! Your nonsense is way beneath him.”
Durant
<Tweets>
@KevinGarnett5KG It wasn’t just the silence. I didn’t feel like family there. I just felt like an outsider. It wasn’t my place to speak up when the team belonged to Stephen Curry, Klay Thompson, and the rest who got drafted by Golden State.
Garnett
“You didn’t feel like family? FUCK OUTTA HERE!
“You chose Golden State because you wanted to play in a motion offense. Then, when you wanted to have the ball more, Kerr gave you more iso opportunities. Hell, Steph even gave you the rains so you can win the Finals MVP 2 times.
“These guys gave up their principles just so you could dominate. That’s what family does! They look after each other’s best interests!
“You didn’t owe it to them to speak up about this? You didn’t owe it to them to air out your grievances?
“Miss me with this passive bullshit. You’re way more feminine than Dwyane Wade’s transgender daughter.”
Durant
<Tweets>
@KevinGarnett5KG that makes no sense. I’m a man. Zaya Wade is a female. How can I be more female than her?
Garnett
“Stop your tapdancing, Jamal Murray’s pubes. You know damn well that’s not what I said at all.
“Let me teach you about masculine and feminine energy. Masculine energy is all about taking the lead, being in control, going after what you want, accepting responsibility for mistakes. Feminine energy is just following and receiving.
“Zaya may be a female, but she’s way more masculine than you will ever be. Why? Cause Zaya went after what she wanted. She has no problems showing the world who she is, and she will take any criticism that comes her way. Zaya leads other teen trans females to do the same.
“You, however, keep on second doubting yourself after every decision you make. You cried to your agent when you received major backlash for leaving Oklahoma to join a 73-win team that won a ring without you. You left Golden State when they accommodated your every need just cause they didn’t read your mind and predicted your feelings. You came into Brooklyn with all these demands, and then bail when things didn’t go the way you planned.
“This aint some masculine shit. Hell, this isn’t even feminine shit. This is some weak ass pussy shit. Stop being a bitch.”
Durant
<Tweets>
@KevinGarnett5KG very unfortunate when a black man feels threatened by another black man that he chooses to tear him down.
Garnett
“Who wrote that nonsense for you? Kyrie Irving?
“I’m tearing you down because you have no reason to leave Brooklyn! Look at my Minnesota stint. My second best option was either Latrell Sprewell or Wally Szczerbiak. I wanted better teammates. But I still stuck around for 12 years. You know why? Cause I’m no GM. I don’t go meddling in shit I don’t know.
“You decided that you wanna be like LeBron. Tell guys what coaches to bring, what players to trade for. But guess what n****? You AIN’T LEBRON! LeBron wins rings with his demands. You DON’T.
“You ain’t a coach. You ain’t an owner. You ain’t a GM. You’re a hooper. You’re one of the best scorers of all time. You could be even better if you don’t meddle with anything beyond basketball. Shut up and dribble!
“Get off social media! Focus on your legacy! Quit arguing with internet trolls!”
Durant
<Tweets>
@KevinGarnett5KG keep dreamin lol. If I stopped arguing with internet trolls, I wouldn’t be talking to you.
Garnett
“Oh sweet Jesus, hold me back before I beat this motherfucker up. This is gonna be a bar fight here. Come and fight me like a man, bitch. Get off your phone.”
Durant
<Tweets>
@KevinGarnett5KG Why do you care what I do? What you want?
Garnett
“I want you to STOP ACTING LIKE A DIVA! I want you to GROW THE FUCK UP!”
Durant
<Tweets>
@KevinGarnett5KG No.
Garnett
“Ok, that’s it. I wanna fight you. Get yo gloves on. We’re handling this in the ring!”
Durant
<Tweets>
@KevinGarnett5KG Na, being on Twitter is more fun.
Garnett
“Come here you coward. Imma beat yo ass, you walking string cheese.”
Durant
<Tweets>
@KevinGarnett5KG You sound like a sports bettor. Did the parlays not hit? Shouldn’t have bought that opal from Adam Sandler. I’m grateful I have this much power over you now :)
Garnett
“Bitch, I have a better chance of betting on your own mother getting a ring before you get your third one. I’ll give her the wedding ring myself.
“Imma fuck yo momma. Imma fuck yo sister. Oh wait, you don’t have a sister. Then Imma fuck yo momma and get her preggo. Imma come back 18 years later and fuck yo sister.
“I’m yo daddy now, n****. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLEEEEE!”
Durant
<Tweets>
My brethren, lay off on drinking Scarlett Johansson’s bathwater.
Garnett
“You’re a thin man with no heart. Go back to Oz.”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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