SPORTS, WORLD NEWS
Shaquille O’Neal Blasts Vladimir Putin For Losing The War In Ukraine
Size does matter
We’ll take “Headlines we never thought we’d write,” for 5000, Alex Trebek. Wait, that’s not a numerical category? We apologize, we must have gotten that number confused with Shaquille O’Neal’s missed free throws.
One month ago, we were watching a brutal massacre on TV . No, not the Russia-Ukraine War. The Game 7 Western Conference Semifinals of the Suns and Mavericks. Did Luka Doncic really take a group of second round picks to a win over a team that made the finals the year before? We haven’t seen this impressive of a carry since Dirk Nowitzki in the 2011 Finals.
Just like Nowitzki, the Dallas Mavericks are content with their strategy of giving Doncic little help on offense and praying for the best. However, we wondered what people felt about the Maverick’s win. We tuned into Inside the NBA to see Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal bicker over their takes. Frankly, we forgot what they both said. Shaq interjected Barkely with nonsense and “wins” arguments through talking over his colleague. Barkely countered with wit and reasonable takes. It was just more amusing to watch them bicker than watch the Mavericks-Suns game.
At the end of the segment, Shaq mumbled an off-colored joke.
“If Putin had Luka, he would have invaded all of Ukraine 3 months ago.”
We were startled that Shaq supported Russia in this meaningless war. We reached out to Shaq the next day for a comment. Here’s our conversation below.
Shaquille O’Neal
“Look. I don’t care nothing about politics. As a human, I hope Ukraine is able to hold off. They should have the right to live and do what they want.
“But Imma say this. From a strategic perspective, Putin should have single handily beaten Ukraine. It’s been 4 months and he still hasn’t captured its capital city. No disrespect to the dude, but he’s a bonafide scrub.”
Us
“Shaq, Ukraine has fought back valiantly and strategically…”
Shaquille O’Neal
“Na Na Na. IQ can’t beat big and size. Russia has 10x as many forces as Ukraine. This is the equivalent of me in my prime going against Rudy Gobert. Hell, even me past my prime going against prime Gobert. My size can take on that scrawny ass mofo any day.”
Us
“Shaq, aren’t you giving too little credit to Ukraine and Gobert? Ukraine did hold off Russia in Kyiv and Gobert is a 3 time Defensive Player of the Year…”
Shaquille O’Neal
“Hell na, they weak as fuck. This era is too soft. Back in my day, you win battles with physicality. It’s why no one could stop me. Dikembe Mutumbo. David Robinson. Even King Kong’s got nothing on me.”
Us
“Shaq, we’re just saying that Ukraine shouldn’t be underestimated due to it’s size..”
Shaquille O’Neal
“Google me, Ellie. Google me. What do you see? Rings. RIIINNNGGSSS, ELLIE! What do you see when you google Gobert? Mutumbo? Dominique Wilson? Charles Barkley? Nothing! Nada! I’m proof that you can win with size and power. Ukraine just got lucky because Russia is ruled by a dumbass.
“See Ellie? I just owned you with some Shaq Fu. What you gonna say about me now? Oh right, NOTHING. You know why? Cause I’m a 4 time champion. You’re not.”
Us
“Shaq, how are NBA rings relevant to a war for basic human rights?”
Shaquille O’Neal
“Ball is life, Ellie. Ball. Is. Life. Champions on and off court. Put me on the Ukraine army. Russia wouldn’t have even captured Chuhuiv in the first place. They got nothing against the Shaq Diesel.”
Us
“Shaq, this is ridiculous! Do you really believe that you could stop Russia from invading Ukraine? Do you really think 30,000 Russian soldiers with guns cannot stop you with your fists? You may be an unstoppable basketball force, but that was 25+ years ago! You’re old, slow, and inexperienced when it comes to military training!
“What is going on here? You ego gets hurt every time size is in question. You constantly remind us of how dominant you were back in your prime, even when we’re not talking about basketball!
“Why are you this easily triggered? We already acknowledged that you are one of the greatest players to play the game of basketball! So why are you still so goddamn insecure???”
Shaquille O’Neal
“…Ok…fine. I was a freak, Ellie. Back in my prime, I was an elephant that moved like a gazelle. So majestic. I could destroy backboards, run coast to coast in 3 seconds, and fake out! My only kryptonite was free throws.
“But I was lazy. I was young. I wanted all the distractions. The party. The Hollywood lifestyle. The rap career. I won 4 championships just because I had top 3 shooting guards in Kobe Bryant and Dwyane Wade as teammates. But I could have won more if I gave a shit about basketball.
“If I didn’t beef with Kobe. If I chose honing my craft over making movies. If I kept my weight down. If I worked on those damn free throws. I could have been the greatest basketball player alive. No one would talk about Michael Jordan. No one would talk about LeBron James. No one would talk about Bill Russell. Everyone would talk about Shaquille O’Neal.
“But I’m not even recognized as a GOAT. I‘m not even the best all-time center on the Lakers. That still belongs to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Even my former teammates Bryant, Wade, and LeBron have better legacies than me. They proved they can win rings without me. I look back and I think…was I really that great, or did I just get by on their help?
“I can’t handle this, Ellie. I was the number 1 pick in 1992. I was the MVP in 2000. I won 4 rings. I beat Michael Jordan’s Bulls in the 1995 playoffs! I was told all my life that I was the greatest thing since sliced bread! Now my basketball career is over, I don’t hear none of that? No-one praises me like they used to. It’s all about Jordan, Kareem, Bryant, LeBron. And LeBron ain’t even retired!
“Where did I go wrong? Am I not worthy of being in that group?”
Us
“Wow…Shaq. That was an impressive case of self-reflection that you ever did. You really shouldn’t beat yourself up on this. You were an incredible rookie in the 1990s. No one could get past Jordan then, but only you did. You were dominant in the 2000’s. You won 4 rings! 99% of NBA centers wished they had the career you had!”
Shaquille O’Neal
“<sniff>…even Gobert?”
Us
“ESPECIALLY Gobert! Please. 4 rings and an MVP over 3 DPOYs? 100%!”
Shaquille O’Neal
“<sniff>…So you think I was good?”
Us
“Shaq…you were PHENOMENAL! Even we wanted to be like you!”
Shaquille O’Neal
“Huh…thanks Ellie. You’re cool in my book. So you think I was the greatest big man in the 90's and 2000's?”
Us
“Hell no. That belongs to Tim Duncan.”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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