POLITICS, MENTAL ILLNESS
QAnon Follower Shot Mitch McConnell On “Proof” That The Republican Is A Reptile
Democracy finally benefits from stupidity
America has suffered greatly when 50% of the population was content with dumbing down. This is the first time when the intelligent has benefited from the stupid.
QAnon worshiper Tanner Raymond Uriel Michael Parsons (T.R.U.M.P) was arrested for attempting to assassinate Republican Senator Addison Mitchell McConnell III. Holdup, this dude’s name is ADDISON? And there’s THREE of these folks with the SAME NAME? Clearly, all their mothers were disappointed in not having daughters. Is Mitch McConnell taking his lack of motherly love out on Americans?
FBI Chief Christopher A. Wray allowed us to talk to Parsons to understand why he would take down Moscow Mitch. Parsons admitted that it was wrong, but he did it to save the world. Parsons added that Moscow Mitch was nothing more than a monster.
Wray brought us aside and told us that Moscow Mitch has faced more death threats and vandalism during the Trump administration. As Donald Trump vehemently attacked the leader of the GOP, Moscow Mitch faced more hatred from MAGA. Furthermore, Democrats blasted Moscow Mitch for gerrymandering his way into power. Wray disclosed.
“We think that Parsons realized that Moscow Mitch was destroying American democracy, as Parsons told us that McConnell was a threat to humanity.”
While we agree with Parson’s statement, we argued that Parsons didn’t have the intellect to come to such a conclusion. Records showed that Parsons dropped out of kindergarten.
We went back in the interrogation room, and asked Parsons why he felt Moscow Mitch was a monster.
“I unfortunately stumbled away from Fox News and ventured into the liberal news show in 2019: The Late Show With Stephen Colbert. Guest Jon Stewart made fun of McConnell by saying he looks like a turtle. At the time, I thought Stewart was making fun of McConnell’s appearances. But as I became more enlightened with QAnon and Illuminati conspiracy theories, I started to receive visions. Terrible signs showed me that McConnell was indeed a reptile. He possessed turtle DNA and was spreading it among the Republican Party. By the laws of QAnon, I had to kill him. It is my duty as an American, a Christian, and, most importantly, a human. I had to kill Moscow Mitch in order to save the human race.”
We asked Parsons how QAnon showed that reptiles were bad. “They didn’t. God told me so,” Parsons responded.
“He told me in my visions. That humans will be slain by reptiles. God warned me to be watch out for Moscow Mitch, as he could be a reptile disguised as a human. Over time, I saw that God was right. I could see Moscow Mitch’s face drooping and looking flabby. His jowls were sagging. His skin was drying out. His wrinkles were sprouting. His gums were receding. His mouth was shrinking. His nose was lengthening. His eyes were sinking. His reptilian genetics were showing. Moscow Mitch was animorphing into a turtle right in front of our eyes!”
We didn’t have the heart to tell Parsons that all those conditions he mentioned are symptoms of aging.
We were confused how an imbecile like Parsons was able to even attack Moscow Mitch. Senators have bodyguards, and Parsons was in a terrible mental state to carry out such an intricate plan. Wray shook his head.
“Parsons was able to obtain a riffle from the NRA. Because of lax gun laws, the NRA didn’t bother to screen him as an appropriate candidate. Parsons drove all the way from Redmond, Washington to Washington D.C and camped outside the Capitol. He waited until Moscow Mitch left, followed him for a good 3 blocks, and shot him with his weapon. Moscow Mitch fell down as the guards rushed by to pin Parsons down. Half the guards rushed Moscow Mitch to the hospital while the other half stayed with Parsons.”
Moscow Mitch is unfortunately expected to make a full recovery. However, GOP lawmakers feared that Parson’s QAnon attempt will inspire other followers to target old white men. In attempts to protect their lawmakers, the GOP finally gave into making stricter gun control laws. QAnon ringleader Matt Gaetz was also rumored to have step down from his organization, as he was pressured by the GOP to step down in order to receive support for his presidential campaign.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
Thanks for reading! If you want to read more of my work, see my profile’s Table of Contents page.
If you’re a new user on Medium and feel that I’m funny enough to bing all my content in one day, you’ll need a membership fee to get unlimited access. If you want to subscribe for a membership, then please use this link. If you use this link instead of signing up like normal people, then I get paid.
Seriously. Please sign up through my link. I desperately need money to pay off my debts to the Yakuza.
