Abysmal Athlete’s Tragic Death Finally Gets Nation To Stop Badmouthing His Career
No, Stephen A. Smith. Kwame Brown is still alive. You don’t need to remove your “bonafide scrub” content just yet.
Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Dwayne Haskins shockingly died when a dump truck rammed into his car on a highway. We were surprised the truck driver wasn’t wide receiver Henry Ruggs.
Although if that happened, we would be impressed that Ruggs escaped from prison just to create another vehicular homicide. Is he really that speedy to outrun the police? That would explain why the Oakland Raiders drafted him above wide receivers Jerry Jeudy, CeeDee Lamb, and even All-Pro Justin Jefferson.
We tested the waters of this Ruggs-Haskins joke on Twitter. Naturally, it wasn’t well received on Twitter due to the timing. A hoard of sports fans slammed us for writing this joke. “How dare you speak ill of the dead!” a sports fan wrote. We responded that although we were attacking the murderer instead of the victim, we were nevertheless amused by the claim that people should be nicer to dead people. We know for sure that dead people don’t mind us mocking them. Hell, we told Haskins to speak up if he felt offended by our jokes. We didn’t hear a single word of objection.
Furthermore, we were amused that people should be viewed as saints after they died. By that reasoning, we should sing praises to Adolf Hitler. Never mind that he killed 6 million Jews during his lifetime. He’s an angel now that he’s dead!
The user retorted with a death threat. “Go stick a knife in your clit you dumb bitch!”
The online hate for us got so extreme that comedian Ricky Gervais jumped in on this.
“For the love of god, they’re just jokes. No one cares as much as you do. If you hate a joke so much, just ignore it! You’re giving the person you hate more attention than necessary! Did you all learn nothing from Will Smith at the Oscars?”
The comedian continued.
“I’ll spend some time addressing this. Frankly, I’m just trying to do something more meaningful with my life than host the Golden Globes.
“I am absolutely disgusted at so many sports fans tweeting their condolences to Haskins. These were the same people that were mocking Haskins as a ‘failure’, ‘scrub’, and ‘terrible person’ after he got cut from Washington in 2020. Even Stephen A. Smith jumped on Twitter to slam Haskins’s failure as a person for having a work ethic so poor that the NFL kicked him out after less than 2 years. Now, they mourn for him?
“Where did these fans get a newfound sense of empathy? Did no-one realize how out of control their hate for Haskins got in 2020? Even Skip Bayless had to step in to say that Haskins’s failure in Washington wasn’t entirely on the quarterback. Yes, Bayless! The man who slammed Dak Prescott for showing weakness after the quarterback opened up on his depression is now the NFL’s moral compass.
“But that’s probably the best the NFL is going to get, isn’t it? They claim they are woke, but the Miami Pitbulls recently signed domestic abuser Tyreek Hill to a max contract. Nevertheless, the fans who had no problems with an abysmal athlete fading into oblivion are now changing their tune after his life was tragically cut short. They are no different than the me-too actresses who criticized Harvey Weinstein after originally thanking him in their award acceptance speeches.
“Look, I get why you criticized Haskins in the first place. Haskins had several missteps, ranging from showing up late to practice and ignoring COVID protocols to party with strippers. His leadership in Washington was as astute as Donald Trump’s.
“That being said, he was 23! You’re telling me you didn’t make dumb decisions when you were that young? He could still correct his mistakes in due time! Even his teammates said he stayed out of the spotlight following his release and tried hard to become better.
“You all will say ‘But Ricky! Haskins had neither talent nor work ethic to become a starting caliber quarterback.’ Ok. He was still in the NFL. He achieved far more than any of you blokes whose daily exercise routine consists of getting up from the couch to grab a beer from the fridge. Furthermore, people change jobs all the time. Haskins was still young enough to pivot to a better career that suits his talents. I just hope he didn’t desire to be a NASCAR driver.
“Still, Haskins’s hate was uncalled for. Like it or not, athletes are people too. It sickens me that sports fans hurl insults or death threats just because a player didn’t live up to their expectations, then send ‘thoughts and prayers’ when said player suddenly dies. You have no right to speak up when you bashed this player repeatedly.
“To all you blokes showing sympathy for Haskins after roasting this dude’s career. Don’t try to make this death about you. Your ‘kindness’ is absolutely meaningless. If a player you hated so much died recently, just shut up. And kindly fuck off.”
Gervais’s rant struck a nerve with sports fans. They tried to cancel the comedian, but their plan backfired. The Golden Globes saw this increased attention for this celebrity, and decided to hire Gervais to host their awards show for a 6th time.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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