Kamala Harris Caught Using Morse Code To Beg Mexicans To Rescue Her
Do not come.
Seriously. Do not come. America is overrated. Just ask the Vice President.
Democrats and Republicans both blasted Vice President Kamala Harris for her comments about boarder control. Harris told Mexican citizens to not come to America, or they will be sent away. Democrats blasted Harris for being insensitive to asylum seekers from Mexican cartels and brothels. Republicans were against helping out asylum seekers, but reverted their stance as they desired to oust a liberal from power.
To add more fuel to her critics’ firepower, Harris changed plans to visit Guatemalan President Andrés Manuel López Obrador at the U.S. Mexico Boarder. Both parties instead agreed to meet in Guatemala and Mexico rather than at the boarder. Critics argued that Harris could have had the meeting at the boarder to see how important it was for asylum seekers to flee to America.
Despite those valid concerns, Harris brushed them aside. “How is it that this country is going apes**t just because I haven’t visited Obrador on the Mexican border? Who cares where I meet him?”
Harris shook her head. “How does any of this matter? Our main issue isn’t where I meet Obrador. Our main issue is reducing illegal immigration, and we have to understand its root cause. Instead of harming immigrants and forcing them back, why don’t we give them a reason not to move from Mexico? If we help Mexico become better economically, we can limit migrants over the boarder. Liberals are happy that Mexicans are living better, Republicans are happy that Mexicans aren’t “stealing” their jobs. It’s a win-win.
“We want to help Obrador and his country be more sustainable. It doesn’t matter where we have our meetings. Frankly, it was cheaper to meet him in Guatemala instead of El Paso. So sue me for saving hard-earned taxpayer money.”
Harris’s argument is compelling. Republicans, however, strive for wastefulness and not getting s*** done, and continued to bash her until Harris ended up booking a separate trip to El Paso. We were confused as to why she relented to please her enemies. Furthermore, her aides and coworkers were blindsided by this. We reached out to her aides, who disclosed how Harris usually runs her office.
“Many of us are not in the loop in terms of these decisions, as the environment is abusive and chaotic. People are thrown under the bus from the very top. It’s not a healthy environment and people often feel mistreated,” a member stated. That member admitted that he/she is searching for employment elsewhere after 2 months in office.
“Harris hires yes-men to protect herself in office. This creates an insular environment where they drag out decision and harshly respond to ideas. She could have gone to El Paso the first time around and avoided this scrutiny, but ignored our pleas to do so. No one would call her out for paying $300 extra for a plane ticket when Donald Trump dropped $64 million of taxpayer money on golf trips and flights. Now facing the predictable media backlash, Harris instead deflected responsibility and blamed us for her negative media portrayal,” an anonymous staffer quoted.
We were appalled at the toxic environment Harris cultivated. Was there a connection between her toxic work environment and her telling Mexicans not to come? One of her aides relayed an interesting tidbit. Harris was blinking far too often in her meeting with Obrador. The aide pulled out a tape of the interview for us to view. Obrador at one point asked Harris if she was alright, but Harris dismissed it as being bothered by the intense light.
We couldn’t help but draw parallels with Admiral Jeremiah Denton, a US soldier who used morse code to blink T-O-R-T-U-R-E when he was a prisoner of war. We pulled up the morse code manual to decipher Harris’s blinks. We came up with the message: S-A-V-E. M-E.
We confronted Harris about this, who surprisingly confirmed it. “You caught me. I was telling Obrador and his allies to rescue me from America. I wanted him to stage an Ocean’s 11 heist where his henchmen kidnap me. That’s how I can leave America for good.”
We asked why she wanted to leave America. Harris glared. “America has become a disaster. It’s one thing to be uneducated, but it’s another to be ignorant. Millions of ignorant citizens promote fascism without understanding how they’re getting screwed. And despite us telling them this, they laugh and say it’s okay as long as we liberals get screwed.
“Americans are comfortable treating each other like s***. COVID is as rampant as ever before because people don’t want to social distance, wear masks, and/or get vaccinated! Healthcare and drugs are ridiculously expensive, and billionaires profit off disabled people. We even had an attempted coup in the Capitol Hill just because people couldn’t accept a fairly won election! People would rather die than treat every human life the same.
“Who the hell wants to live in America anymore? I would have left a month ago! But I’m Vice President, I can’t just simply resign. I need to stage my kidnapping. The El Paso interview with Obrador was televised, so I relayed my message via code to tell his people to plan their heist.”
We asked why Harris would treat her staff poorly if she was hell bent on deserting them. “I don’t want them to find out about this kidnapping, and I don’t want people to try ‘rescuing’ me. It’s why I didn’t keep them informed about my actions. It’s why if someone got too suspicious, I’d accuse them of failures just to draw scrutiny away from myself. With my poor leadership, people will be reluctant to search for me post-kidnapping.”
We asked Harris what she planned to do with her new life in Mexico. She shrugged, “Party with Ludacris.”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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