POLITICS, HEALTH, ENTERTAINMENT
Hollywood Liberals Call For Dr Anthony Fauci’s Resignation After CDC Passed New COVID Guidelines That Mandate Showers
Fauci’s getting really tired of our shit
Just like MAGA supporters who turned on Trump after he encouraged vaccines, liberals too can turn on their leaders. Just ask Dr. Anthony Fauci.
The man who’s done everything he could to keep America safe from the pandemic is now facing major backlash from his updated guidelines. With new COVID variant Deltacron identified and with current COVID cases rising (thanks Florida), current vaccines and masks aren’t enough to stop deaths from these variants¹. Dr. Fauci realized that citizens need to wash not only our hands multiple times a day, but also their bodies. “Showers are especially important to combat the virus,” Dr. Fauci claimed. “We recommend people to take a 4 min shower after they step out just to be safe. We don’t have a vaccine for Deltacron, as the current one is ineffective against this strain.”
This didn’t suit well with Hollywood celebrities, who went to Twitter to complain.
“Look, we’re busy celebrities. We don’t have time to take out 10 minutes out of our day to shower! We’ve got more important things to do, such as making movies! Does Dr. Fauci not realize we celebrities are the ones impacting American lives here?” ~ Brad Pitt
“I never have time to shower. My step-father Brad Pitt is fully supportive of my decision to not clean myself. How dare Dr. Fauci interferes with my routine! Dr. Fauci is just like my biological father Jamie Spears! He’s always trying to control everything I do.” ~ Britney Spears
“Does Dr. Fauci not care about the environment? Why is he encouraging wasteful usage of water? I only shower 2 times a week. If I can do it, so can everyone else! What is the point of keeping humans healthy if we don’t keep the planet healthy?” ~ Leonardo DiCaprio and Julia Roberts
“I’ve been very fortunate to fly in first class and stay in five star hotels. To humble myself and understand what it is like to live in poverty, I usually go days without showering. This also hones my method acting skills and expands my versatility. Dr. Fauci is preventing me from turning into the next Daniel Day Lewis.” ~ Charlize Theron
More celebrities voiced their displeasure to follow basic hygiene, some even calling for Dr. Fauci’s resignation. The Democratic Party took notice and saw this as an opportunity to raise funds. Already strapped on money for campaigning for political seats, the Democratic Party picked up the defunct #FireFauci campaign. The same campaign that the GOP forced Marjorie Taylor Greene to suspend as an attempt to regulate pro-life. Turns out one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
We reached out to Dr. Fauci, who was stunned from this reversal of fate. “I spent all of 2020 and half of 2021 fielding of hate and death threats from Republicans for promoting vaccines and wearing masks. This month was the only month I got peace and quiet from these trolls. Ever since the GOP found out that anti-vaxxers go against their pro-life stance by using the pandemic to get rid of their children, they stopped harassing me and started promoting my recommendations.
“With the GOP finally coming to their senses, I thought we as a nation can finally beat this pandemic as a whole. Now, I’m receiving new hate from my OWN supporters? The liberals who now refuse to protect themselves from the new COVID variants seriously simply because they don’t want to take a goddamn SHOWER?”
Dr. Fauci shook his head. “Never in my career did I think I’d get criticized by all of America for helping them live. What kind of nonsense did I sign up for? I don’t even need the money! I thought I was doing what I loved and bringing smiles to people by keeping them healthy. If I wanted to take a thankless job and deal with people yelling at me for caring for them, I’d just be a full-time parent!”
Dr. Fauci immediately got up and walked to the door. We quickly asked him how he’s going to help the public combat the virus, Dr. Fauci sternly looked at us. “Figure it out. I. Quit.”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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Footnote #1: Deltacron is a new variant, one which CDC notified USA about on March 11, 2022. This combines elements of Delta and Omicron. The current vaccine+booster offers some protection from this variant, so there is no need to panic. Unless you’re unvaccinated or have a death wish.
For those who want to live, please take caution and listen to CDC’s recommendations. This is still a new variant, and we still have no idea how dangerous it is.
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