SPORTS, SOCIETAL INJUSTICE
Joe Tsai Hires Racist Ex-CEO As President Of Brooklyn Nets
Moral compasses are overrated
The 2022–2023 NBA season is a little over a month in. Somehow, one team produced enough drama to create a 12-episode miniseries.
Brooklyn Nets owner Joe Tsai generated 10 times more interest in the NBA in 30 days than Michael Jordan ever did in 30 years. Naturally, an Asian used his intelligence to make money efficiently. Unlike Jordan, Tsai profited from negative publicity.
The Nets stirred the pot so much that The Bachelor considered filming their upcoming season in Barclays Center. Here’s a list of the team’s actions.
- Suspended All-Star Kyrie Irving from all home games, as he didn’t get vaccinated in a year where COVID vaccines were mandatory for athletes.
- Traded away All-Star center Jarrett Allen to bring in MVP James Harden, who quickly got pissed at Irving’s antics and the team’s non-winning culture.
- Traded away Harden for an often injured All-Star Ben Simmons. Simmons didn’t play at all last season, and has scored more 10 points in a game ONCE since he got here.
- Let promising coach Kenny Atkins walk to bring in inexperienced, player favorite coach Steve Nash.
- Fired coach Nash to hire full-time sexual assaulter Ime Udoka.
- Suspended Irving for refusing to apologize his promotion of an anti-semitic film.
And, worst of all…
- Pissed off MVP Kevin Durant by letting General Manager Sean Marks construct the roster. Even though Durant and Irving had a final say¹.
But wait! There’s more! Inside scoop reporter Shams Charania dropped that Brooklyn Nets owner Joe Tsai will hold a press conference to disclose another bombshell!
We wondered if Tsai will sign recently waived sophomore guard Josh Primo. The San Antonio Spurs released their “face of the franchise” after he exposed himself to female staff members more than 9 times. The San Antonio Spurs thought they found their Tom Brady, but instead found their Deshaun Watson.
Regardless, hiring Primo is on point with the Brooklyn Nets brand. The team almost gave sexual assaulter Udoka a coaching position, but commissioner Adam Silver intervened. At this point, the Nets should rebrand themselves as the Brooklyn Browns.
Surprisingly, Tsai disclosed something we didn’t expect.
“Good morning, everyone. I‘m here to discuss a couple of changes in the organization. Thanks to Kyrie Irving, we now have to hire a new president of this sports club.
“Earlier, I suspended Irving because of his comments. Irving said he’s not anti-semitic, but he believes that black Jews are the real Jews. I am disgusted at Irving for the following reasons.
- Irving wants to sacrifice all of his African-American brothers, including himself, to atone for his ancestors killing Jesus Christ. 90% of the NBA, including Durant, will willingly become American slaves to accept their punishment. How will my basketball team make me money if almost all of the players enslaved themselves?
- Irving hasn’t vocally supported genocide. As the owner of Alibaba, I gave China facial recognition technology to help them locate and move the Uyghur slaves to concentration camps. Genocide is beneficial for a country’s growth. Irving’s refusal to support genocide is an attack on China.
“I am disappointed at Irving for coming up with a new excuse every year.
“Last year, it was standing up for anti-vaxxers’s rights.
“The year before, it was diminishing the importance of regular season games.
“This year, it’s promoting slavery and shaming genocide.
“Is Irving robbing me blind? How dare he takes my money without working for it! That privilege only exists for billionaires!
“Furthermore, why should I be penalized for this? I understand that Irving is mad at the white Jews for making money off black entertainers. But I’m ASIAN! NOT WHITE! I’m on HIS side!
“Irving has now ruined our relations with China. This generous country gave me and the Brooklyn Nets the Great Wall of China free of charge. This gift bolstered our team’s defense. Irving could have at least thanked the country by supporting China’s efforts to re-educate and kill Uyghur Muslims.
“Irving’s lack of acknowledgement angered China so much that they imposed sanctions on my company Alibaba! Now I got to appease both the Jewish race and the Chinese? For the last time, I am NOT the Dalai Llama!
“I need to hire someone who will support China’s human rights violations. Someone who hates the Han Chinese. Someone who hates Asians more than China does. China will calm down once I hire this person in the Nets.
“I know we shouldn’t care about China’s feelings THAT much. But China’s anger affects EVERYONE in the NBA. Look what happened to ex-Houston Rockets general manager Darryl Morey. He lost his job after he supported Hong Kong’s fight for freedom from China because it hurt NBA’s revenue. Superstars LeBron James and James Harden publicly slammed Morey’s civil rights tweet because it affected their foreign business deals.
“We may be in a war with China. But China still has a stronghold on NBA revenue. We need to keep them happy at all costs. I need to bring the Brooklyn Nets back to its pro-genocide stance.
“That’s why I’m hiring ex-CEO Michael Lofthouse. This entitled white trust fund kid spewed racial slurs to innocent Asian restaurant customers. He was caught on video getting kicked out of the restaurant for his harassment, and subsequently lost his job and company. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
“As an Asian, I am appalled at Lofthouse’s Asian hate. As a Chinese man, I am pleased. Uyghur slaves are descendants of Han Chinese. Lofthouse can redirect his racism towards these slaves, and bring back Brooklyn’s support for genocide.
“Please join me in welcoming Lofthouse to this organization!”
We were appalled that Tsai would hire a MAGAmoron as CEO of a basketball club. We stayed on to watch Lofthouse’s speech.
“I originally apologized to the Chan family for the hurtful remarks I hurled at them. I got caught up in my emotions, and harassed them when they were celebrating a family member’s birthday. I felt ashamed of my actions after I faced the wrath of cancel culture.
“I lost my job, my livelihood, and my reputation. After 2 years of growth and self reflection, I was blessed with an opportunity to be CEO again of a different organization. To the Chan family. I hope you can find it in your heart to SUCK MY BALLS!
“FUCK ASIANS! FUCK UYGHUR SLAVES! Wait, is my boss Asian? FUCK TSAI!
“Trump’s going to fuck you! You fucking Asian pieces of shits! You’ve all seen white people attack Hollywood elite for portraying Asians in cinema. You all fucking need to leave! ”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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#1: To Durant’s credit, he’s still showing up to drop 30 points per game. In this superstar entitlement era, Durant’s expected action should be seen as an accomplishment.
We make fun of him because we’re still salty that he joined a 73-win Golden State Warriors team in 2016. We had to suffer through 2 years of boring basketball following that move. On the bright side, this torture helped us relate to Nike’s Uyghur slaves that made Durant’s shoes.
We’re sorry for making fun of you, Durant. Please forgive us and join the Sacramento Kings next year. We Kings desperately want to be in the playoffs. We can simp you better than the Brooklyn Nets ever could.
We know we shouldn’t care this much about a children’s game, but we’re grown ass adults who have nothing better going on in our lives.
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