SOCIAL INJUSTICE, ENTERTAINMENT, RELIGION
Kyrie Irving Promotes Slavery To Atone For Ancestors’ Sins
Attack on Tolerance
We never thought athletes promoting slavery would be a fad. We thought that ended when former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick did so in his new Netflix movie 12 Years A Slave 2.
Now, current NBA guard Kyrie Irving hopped on this bizarre bandwagon.
The athlete known as World B. Flat promoted a new conspiracy theory that slavery existed for African Americans to atone for their crimes. Irving ranted on how their ancestors have ruined the world, and urged his colleges to accept their punishment. We tuned onto Twitter to understand the logic of the “voice of the voiceless”.
“My African brethren. You believe this world is your birthright. I have evidence that it is not.
“I briefly exiled myself from America in 2021 after the NBA suspended me for my anti-vaccination stance. I spent my sabbatical in the Himalayas, where I meditated daily to achieve enlightenment. I did so to improve my concentration and transcend the basketball elite. However, I achieved a superior milestone; the opening of my third eye.
“I now see the future and the past at once. I reached a spiritual level that transcends mankind itself. I can no longer pursue frivolous mortal matters like basketball, for I have reached a higher calling. It is my duty to carry out God’s orders. No, God is not Kanye West.
“After speaking to the Lord, I realized that all African Americans will not go to heaven. They have been too selfish to even be allowed into the promised land. They avoided God’s punishment for years. If we don’t accept responsibility, then we will not go to Heaven. To accept our punishment, we must go back to our roots of slavery.
“Hear me out brothers! This is not only what MAGA wants. This is also what God wants. This is the price to pay for our sins.
“A few weeks ago, I promoted a movie on Twitter called Hebrews to Negroes: Wake Up Black America. It is an eye awakening movie that describes how our ancestors became part of the slave trade. Our ancestors were manipulated by shrewd businessmen to sell their souls. These businessmen are none other that those who control the current day media and banking industries. The white Jews.
“The white Jews have exploited African Americans for years. Not only for labor, but also for religion. The movie also proves that white Jews are the fake Jews. White Jews stole Judaism from black people, who are the real children of God. The white posers of European dissent once again appropriated black culture.”
Irving then stopped. And trembled.
“However, we know that the Jews killed Jesus Christ. We know that black people are the real Jews. Does this mean…that Jesus Christ was killed by black people?”
Irving started sobbing.
How could we turn our back on God? He’s shown us nothing but love and kindness! In return, we crucified him!
“No wonder Muslims and Hindus hated us. Evidence proved that Jesus Christ was a brown man. We black men killed a member of their brown family!
“No wonder white Christians enslaved us. We killed their idol! They were punishing us for our crimes. Our ancestors should have accepted slavery. Instead, they avoided their punishment by fighting for civil rights.
“We descendants now bare the responsibility of repenting our forefathers’ sins. We must allow the police and Republicans to abuse us. We must end Black Lives Matter. We need to bring back slavery just to earn Jesus Christ’s love once again.
“I know this is harsh. But remember. Jesus Christ went through all that torture just to forgive his real black children. It’s time we go through these same trials to atone for our forefathers’ crimes.”
We were amused that Irving was the real life version of the Eldian King Karl Fritz. We didn’t understand why Kyrie Fritz begged his subjects to sacrifice themselves for no reason. If a current generation needed to be punished for crimes they never committed, then all humans should be killed because the dinosaurs became extinct.
Irving’s comments were praised by white conservatives, particularly the Proud Boys and the MAGAmorons. Fox News offered Irving a multi-million dollar contract to host his own talk show on the benefits of slavery. Irving accepted on the condition that he brings in Kanye to preach anti-semitism and Kaepernick to promote slavery. Irving planned to name this show Civil Rights With The KKK (Kyrie, Kanye, Kaepernick).
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now
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UPDATE: On November 20th, 2022, Kyrie Irving backtracked and apologized for promoting an anti-Semitic film.
UPDATE: On February 7th, 2023, Kyrie Irving backtracked and deleted his apology for promoting an anti-Semitic film. This was after he was trade from the Brooklyn Nets to the Dallas Mavericks.
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