ENTERTAINMENT, HEALTHCARE, LGBTQ, SCIENCE
Kanye West Suffers A Heart Attack After Realizing He Gave Birth To Pete Davidson
Modern science is terrifying
A man giving birth to his ex-wife’s rebound is something unheard of. For Kanye West, this is a typical Saturday night.
West made headlines 6 months ago when he announced he was getting a uterus transplant after being told he can’t get pregnant. We were low-key impressed that West is committed to his vision that he can do anything that he can set his mind to.
Our admiration was short lived, however, when we found out that he was doing this to get his ex-wife Kim Kardashian back.
We reached out to the famous simp, who confirmed these intentions.
“Kimmie said that she’ll come back to me if I gave birth to a child. She will be attracted to me accomplishing the greatest physical feat known to man. Which is a normal success for any mother.”
We asked West if going through childbirth is an appropriate way to swoon his ex-wife. Especially since West recently claimed that Kardashian accused him of hiring a hitman on her. Shouldn’t he stop acting like a child and listen to his ex-wife?
“Hell na. I’m Kanye West. Maturity is beneath me. I am a God. Y’all better quit playing with God. Imma think outside the box to get what I want.”
We thanked West for his time and moved on. Fast forward now, we noticed an unusual Instagram live stream from his account. We tuned in to see West being pulled into a hospital.
“Sup fans. My real ones. Those who stuck by me all these years. Not like these posers like Kid Cudi. Or Jay-Z.
“Imma let you know. My water broke. It’s been 6 months since I got pregnant. Doctors say it usually takes 9 months to deliver. But I’m Kanye West. I did this harder, better, faster, stronger. I can deliver babies within 2 months of conception if I put my mind to it. Anything is possible!
“This is perfect. Kimmie just broke up with Pete Davidson. Now’s my chance to win her over before she finds another dude in 72 hours. I definitely got my water to break through sheer concentration and power. The clock’s ticking, I just count the hours.
“Imma make history here! The first man who got a successful uterus transplant is now delivering a baby 3 months before it’s due. Imma live stream my entire childbirth for you all to see.”
As we recall, we know West loves to show off. But we never thought that he would take it this far. We jumped off Instagram just to save our eyes. We figured that the birth would be drama free, and that West would reunite with Kardashian.
What did we know? We knew absolutely nothing. We should call ourselves Jon Snow.
It hasn’t even been 72 minutes, but chaos ensued. We tuned into Instagram live once again. We saw West screaming and hurling medical equipment at the doctors.
“THIS AIN’T MY BABY! IT’S A WHITE BOY. IT’S…GOOD LAWD, IS THAT SKETE DAVIDSON??? THE MAN WHO USED TO BANG MY WIFE?
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? WHY DID I GIVE BIRTH TO PETE? IS THIS SOME SICK JOKE? EXPLAIN YOURSELF, FOOLS!”
West caught himself gasping for air. He clung to his chest, and collapsed.
We wanted to make sense of this nonsense. We contacted California Center for Reproductive Health, who put us in touch with Dr. Eliran Mor. Mor slammed his fists.
“Dammit! Once again, we gave a pregnant person the wrong eggs. We have got to cut down on IVF Mixups. We’re already being sued for one, we can’t afford another lawsuit.”
We asked Mor to clarify. Mor began.
“IVF stands for In-vitro fertilization. Female patient’s eggs are surgically removed from the ovaries and are fertilized in a laboratory with sperm from a male partner. We create embryos from these two, and then put it back into the patient’s uterus.
“IVF is needed to treat many causes of infertility: advanced maternal age, damaged or blocked fallopian tubes, etc. Mr. West is a man, and thus has no female reproductive organs. Since he can’t create babies through getting fucked by a sperm donor, he needs IVF to transfer other embryos into his uterus.”
We asked Mor how West got eggs, when he couldn’t make his own. Mor stated.
“That’s true. Mr. West got a uterus, but he still couldn’t make his own eggs. He decided to provide his sperm to his doctors, and asked Kim Kardashian for one of her eggs. When Kim refused, Mr. West got annoyed and harassed her to no end. She relented and gave him an egg.
“Mr. West finally gave birth, but realized that the baby was insanely white with brown hair. Mr. West discovered through an immediate DNA test right after his childbirth that the baby was actually related to Pete Davidson.”
We asked Mor how West got Davidson’s sperm if he only had Kardashian’s egg and his sperm in the embryo he was carrying. Mor hung his head.
“Because we didn’t give him Kardashian’s embryo. We gave him Casey Davidson’s embryo.
“Women already face societal and biological pressure of having kids early. Celebrities like Paris Hilton freeze their eggs so that they can access them later when they’re ready to have kids. Through in vitro fertilization, they can give birth to healthy babies while using their healthiest eggs.
“Casey Davidson, or Pete Davidson’s younger sister, decided to take that route as she wanted to experience life to the fullest while she’s still young. She froze her embryos when she was 21, with her older brother covering the cost of this expensive procedure.
“Unfortunately, we made an IVR mixup. When Kim Kardashian came to give her egg, she listed Pete Davidson as her emergency contact. This was the same contact Casey Davidson listed. Because one of our databases was down, we had to filter eggs based on emergency contacts. We gave Kanye West Casey Davidson’s egg instead of Kim Kardashian’s.”
“So Kanye technically gave birth to a Pete Davidson clone.”
We were alarmed that medical professionals screwed up an innocent man’s life. Look, we don’t defend Kanye West’s actions and harassment. Everybody knows he’s a motherfuckin’ monster.
That being said, no one should have to suffer from doctors not doing their jobs properly. Mor screwed up Casey Davidson’s chance to get a healthy embryo in the future. In West’s twisted mind, Mor screwed up the musician’s chance to reunite with his ex-wife.
We reached out to Kanye West, who’s jaw dropped.
“The hell is this? I harassed Skete [Pete] to no end because I was sick of him sleeping with my possession! This dude is finally gone, but now I gave birth to his clone? WHY IS GOD SO CRUEL?”
We reminded West that he called himself God. If that was true, then we wondered why West brought this pain upon himself.
West’s jaw dropped.
“Damn. Did I subconsciously do this to myself? Why would I screw myself over?
West shook his head.
“This is all on me. If I didn’t accuse her of keeping our children away from me. If I didn’t accuse her of locking me up away. If I didn’t accuse her of whoring out my daughter by getting her a TikTok. None of this would happen.
“Now I’m stuck with Skete as a child. I can’t give him up. My fans will get angry at me!
“And I always find, yeah I always find somethin’ wrong. Kim’s been puttin’ up wit’ my shit just way too long. It’s time I set her free.”
Kanye then put his arms on our shoulders.
“Tell Kim this. Run away fast as you can. Runaway from me baby. Runaway.”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
Also, any bets on how long this pieces stays up until Medium takes it down due to “provocative imagery”?
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