POLITICS
Democrats Fund Andrew Tate’s Campaign To Promote Conservative Values
Soldier Boy Tell’em
When you can’t convince half of America to realize that you are the sane party, all you can do is show how crazy your opponent is.
The Democratic Party pulled a page out of the tabloids’ playbook when they were caught funding Andrew Tate’s new TV commercial. We were shocked that liberals would hire a misogynistic, anti-vax, toxic masculine, MAGA supporter to promote controversial statements. If that was the route the Democrats want to go down, they should have backed Donald Trump instead.
We reached out to chairperson Jaime Harrison to ask why Democrats supported Tate, despite no financial benefit. Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter kicked Tate out after realizing that his controversial statements were bankrupting their platforms.
Harrison laughed.
“In no way does Tate reflect our values. When we offered to fund $2 million for his commercial, Tate flipped us off. He later accepted our efforts when we increased the price to $2.000069 million.
“This man really wanted $69 more? He’s still a teen boy at heart.
“But I digress. The Republican Party has screwed over the nation since Ronald Reagan took over office. Reagonomics, expensive wars, and bills to defund education crippled our society. America has become so much of a laughingstock that nations respect Sri Lanka more for successfully carrying out a coup.
“America is now realizing that the Republican Party is infiltrated with corrupt pedophiles and narcissists who think they’re above the law. More conservatives are backing out after realizing that their politicians feel that white nationalism is an important issue. Or that micropenis rape on a minor is not sexual assault.
“The GOP is split into the sensible Lincoln Party and the cultish MAGA Party. Since MAGA popularity has waned, we Democrats can easily beat Republicans if a MAGA candidate is backed. Hence why we fund the campaigns of the crazy politicians.”
We asked Harrison if she ever tested out this strategy.
“That’s how we won the 2012 Missouri Senate race. We funded ‘legitimate rape’ enthusiast Todd Akin to represent the Republican Party. Once Akin got the nomination, we then bankrolled our candidate Claire McCaskill through smearing Akin. The red state voted for McCaskill after realizing that Akin was batshit insane!
Harrison’s eyes glowed.
“We can win the 2024 presidential election in 2024 by backing toxic masculinity influencer Andrew Tate. Tate’s beliefs are insane enough to dissuade Lincoln Party voters and attract MAGA voters. He will be easier to defeat.”
We asked Harrison if this bold strategy would indirectly strengthen the MAGA Party. Harrison shook her head.
“Tate hates Trump as much as we do! We even got him on record saying so!”
Harrison then showed us a recent Tate commercial that the Democratic Party filmed.
“Hi. I’m Andrew Tate.
“Wait. Fuck this introduction. You already know who I am. I’m the world’s first trillionaire! Why the hell do I have to say my name?
“I became richer than Jeff Bezos at age 31. I did it through my online courses in investing. You can buy them from my defunct Hustler University. You refer me to your friends, become affiliates who will make 50% off of anybody who subscribed through your referrals. I’ve explained this rich business model in one of my popular investing courses: The Art Of The Pyramid Scheme.
“I know what you’re thinking. Who am I? Even hot women ask me. Am I a martial artist? Am I an influencer? Am I a teacher? And I always respond to them with the same answer. How dare you speak to me outside of the kitchen!
“But it doesn’t matter now. I’ve been cancelled by the libtards. Now, they back me for president out of guilt. Props to the Democratic Party for acting like real men. Or whatever gender they call themselves nowadays.
“Regardless, America has become too soft. Democrats are no longer men, and Republicans refuse to act like men. Yes, I said it. The GOP is full of crybabies and snowflakes.
- Brett Kravanaugh shouted at Kamala Harris when the latter brought up his sexual assault during his Supreme Court hearing. Did Kravanaugh really cover up his assault? Treating women as possessions is man’s given right. Be proud of rape!
- Lindsay Graham cried at Kentanji Brown Jackson for “supporting pedophiles”. I don’t know why a man thinks he deserves to cry. Furthermore, teens aren’t real men. If a kid got abused by a pedophile, that kid deserved it.
- Raphael Edward Cruz chased down Dennis Rodman because the basketball star wouldn’t fuck Cruz’s wife. What kind of white man willingly goes to another man and begs him to steal his own property? A woman’s vagina is a man’s sacred possession, and Cruz just hands it out freely.
“Masculinity has faded over years. It used to be about going to war. Defending yourself. Every man for himself. Now, it’s all about feelings. Sharing is caring. Being soft. Helping the weak.
“What ever happened to our role models like Marlon Brando? Now THAT’s a real man. Always getting things done. Doesn’t take any bullshit. Fights to get all resources no matter the cost. But damn, this dude was too obsessed with butter. No wonder he became obese.
“I see GOP leaders like Donald Trump. I loved him and always supported him. But he’s lost all my respect. He barely beat a women in an election that he should have won by a landslide. He refused to accept his 2020 election loss like a man. He constantly begs for attention from his mother Vladimir Putin.”
Tate shook his head.
“I wish I could’ve raised Trump and taught him like father to son. Maybe if I’d raised Trump, I could have made him better. And not some weak, fat, sniveling pussy starved for attention. Trump is a fucking disappointment.”
Tate sighed.
“MAGA no longer represents my interests anymore. I supported anti-vaxxers and gun rights. So how did these MAGA morons storm the capitol and kill NO ONE? How useless are they? Even the low-class, brown, Sri Lankans carried out a far more successful coup than these idiots!
“I’m starting a new Republican branch. The Make Masculinity Amazing Party. Or MMA. Become the man that you were always meant to be. Vote for Andrew Tate. Vote for America’s true Soldier Boy!”
Harrison turned off the TV and beamed.
“The GOP is split up into MAGA, Lincoln Party. MMA, and the Blond Mustache Ride Party. The latter created by athlete Antonio Brown.
“The GOP is divided amongst itself. Whatever crazy nominee we back will represent the Republican Party. We will winn 2024 by beating the imbecile!”
We asked Harrison if this strategy to fund far-right extremists for the greater good is a surefire win. If so, then Hillary Clinton would have defeated Trump single handily in the 2016 election. Biden would have defeated Trump by more than 7 million votes in 2020.
Harrison shook her head.
“Those times were different. People can’t stand to see a woman in power. Clinton lost because she’s a woman. Biden narrowly won because his vice president is a woman.
“Conservatives want to control women, not respect them. We just need to hire males next time to represent us.”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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