SPORTS, POLITICS

Disgraced NFL Athlete Antonio Brown Announced 2024 USA Presidential Campaign

Big Chest 2024

We had a white egomaniac as USA president in 2017–2020. It’s time American history took a page out of Fox and Marvel and repeat history with a black cast member.

NFL Tampa Bay wide receiver Antonio Brown announced his candidacy after leaving in the middle of a game during an outburst.

“I’m too good for football. I’m the league. I deserve what I get paid! Tampa Bay tried to skimp me on incentives, and I ain’t having none of that!”

We were confused, as Brown could have easily met those incentives if he finished playing the game. Or, if Brown actually played when he wasn’t suspended for using a fake COVID card. Brown’s ability to think ahead was so poor that even Forrest Gump could have noticed how foolish this act was.

Tampa Bay immediately cut Brown after his tirade, marking the 3rd time Brown got released from an NFL team. No team wanted to touch Brown with a 6 foot pole, even after Brown was tested negative for COVID. Even the Los Angeles County Jail Miscreants’s quarterback Deshaun Watson wanted nothing to do with this nutcase, as the team already met their rapist quota in Darren Sharper. Faced with no longer playing football ever again, Brown decided to announce his career change on Instagram Live.

“If y’all think you know me, you don’t. I’m not about football no more. I’m done with that shit. I’m no longer AB. It’s Mr. Badass Campaign. Mr. Badass Campaign from now on. No cap. Going Obama 2024. Super Gremlin back again! God bless Grandma!”

We had no idea what Brown was trying to say. Fortunately, we got assistance from Twitter’s Antonio Brown Translator to decipher Brown’s text in coherent English.

“I would like to inform everyone that I am not the man you think I am. My days of playing football are over. I’m no longer Antonio Brown. I’d appreciate it if you call me by my new name, Mr. Badass Campaign. I’m being serious. I’m announcing my run for USA Presidency in 2024. This super star is back again! I would like to thank my family, especially my grandma, for their continued support!”

We don’t doubt that Brown would see more success in his political career than he ever did in his rap career. That being said, we wondered if “Mr. Badass Campaign” had the necessary qualifications to become President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.

We reached out to GOP Chairperson Ronna McDaniel, who quelled our concerns by stating why the Republican Party was interested in backing Mr. Badass Campaign.

“Think of all our great American leaders who have been accused of sexual misconduct: Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush, George W. Bush, Donald Trump. We’ll even acknowledge terrible Democrats by including their leaders such as Thomas Jefferson, Grover Cleveland, and Bill Clinton. It is clear that a leader needs to sexually assault a woman in order to lead a nation successfully. Antonio Brown has been accused of sexual assault by two different women, one who was his personal trainer since college. Brown already met the qualification, so it was a no brainer for us to support him.

“We also monitored Brown’s actions, which are in line with the GOP’s core beliefs.

• Brown killed a home aquarium full of piranhas, and refused to pay the man who installed the tank. We Republicans applaud Brown for exploiting his workers to spend less. We do favor less federal government spending.
• Brown blew $1 million dollars just because he left in the middle of the final game against the New York Jets. We Republicans applaud him for throwing away money. We drastically overspend, particularly on the military. We spared no expense to initiate the Iraq War.
• Brown trashed his former teammate Ju-Ju Smith Schuester on social media after the latter won the team MVP. We Republicans can sympathize with Brown, as we understand that talented individuals don’t always get recognized. It was clear this election was stolen.
• Brown showed up to a training camp in a hot air balloon. We Republicans applaud this wasteful use of resources as means to save time. We encourage our Congressmen to ride in private limos and helicopters so as not to shed wasteful seconds on public transportation.
• Brown refused to play for the Raiders because he couldn’t wear the helmet he desired. We admire his resolution to oppose tyrannical regimes that instantiate unlawful mask mandates.
• Brown demanded to get released by the abysmal Oakland Raiders after being traded from the Pittsburgh Steelers. He went so far as to call the general manager Mike Mayock a cracker. Brown then punted a football down the practice field and said “fine me for that”. We applaud Brown for taking matters into his own hands when he didn’t have a say of where he wanted to live. It’s why we’re turning Texas into a hellhole when the US government won’t let the red state secede from the State of the Union.
• Brown tweeted that the ‘devil is a lie’. We applaud Brown for being a strong Christian role model.
• Brown spent a lot of time on social media engaging in crazy s***. Examples include tweeting a proverb about burning down a village, promoting tweets of users that threaten to sodomize Mayock, supporting death threats to writers trying to expose his sexual assault crimes, and claiming that white women are the root of all evil. We applaud Brown for mimicking Trump’s behavior.
• Brown threw a bag of gummy candy penises at the cops. The police officers were tired and hungry that day, and Brown made sure they were well fed. We love Brown for being the first black man to support blue lives.
• Brown went back to college via online classes after getting released by the Patriots. He then tried to outsource his homework to Twitter. We Republicans marvel at his ability to exploit cheap labor. Furthermore, we appreciate his distrust in education.
• Brown used a fake COVID vaccination card to bypass the NFL’s fascist vaccine mandates. We applaud Brown for his courage to stick to the higher ups.
• Brown resorted to violence to get what he wants. He trashed a condo and threw furniture out a 14th floor window when he didn’t like the furniture. Some people, including a child, were injured during this stunt. Brown was also involved in a disputed with movers at his home where he allegedly threw rocks at the movers and moving vans. We Republicans have no problems resorting to violence to get what we want, as evident from the January 6th Capitol Hill Riot.

We asked McDaniel if Brown will be running as the Republican nominee.

“No. We think Trump is running again, and we don’t want Brown to steal his votes. We encouraged Brown to take the Kanye West route and form his own independent campaign. The GOP will privately fund Brown’s third party just so he can steal more votes from the Democrat Party, thus ensuring a Republican victory in 2024.”

We were not surprised that the Republican Party would resort to illegal means to win an election. We reached out to Brown separately to persuade him to run against Trump for the Republican seat. Brown screamed in the phone.

“Hell naw n**** I ain’t riding no ivory. I die by the gold fluff ride party!”

Antonio Brown’s Translator deciphered this message.

“I disagree, my African brother. I have no intention to support the Republican Party, one whose symbol is the elephant. I pledge allegiance to the Blonde Mustache Ride Party.”

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

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