POLITICS, RELIGION
Abortion Bounty Hunters Leave Texas To Arrest Evangelical Christians
Utah gold rush
Gold is where you least expect it. Especially if that’s in a Mormon Church in Utah.
Texas is a shithole, thanks to Greg Abbott. The governor made the state very hostile just to drive down the price of the land.
People left Texas for better living conditions, especially women. Who knew they didn’t want to live in a state that controlled their reproductive rights?
Following the Supreme Court’s dismissal of Roe v. Wade, Texas legalized abortion bounties once again. People who catch women getting abortions can report to state authorities for a $10,000 reward. Workers on the poverty line are pleased they can get paid more on more flexible hours through this freelance gig. Their former and exploitative small-business bosses, however, are angry that they can’t abuse their workers. Rather than increase the benefits and reduce the hours, the bosses are suing Texas for allowing people to capitalize on abortions.
Nevertheless, the gunslinging life isn’t easy out in the wild west. A frustrated bounty hunter claimed, “How on earth are we gonna get paid for bounties when all the women left Texas? It’s like hunting for penguins in the rainforest!”
The hunters protested in front of Abbott’s 100 mansions. Abbott was livid that he still didn’t do enough to get rid of everyone in Texas. He forgot that the South is full of stubborn folks who preach squatter rights.
Abbott decided to make amends, as he alone in a wheelchair cannot confront 100 grown men in a fight. Turns out Abbott isn’t Professor Charles Xavier.
To all my abortion bounty hunters. If you can kidnap women who had abortions anywhere in the USA, you can bring them back to Texas and claim your bounties. We will arrest these criminals under the Cowboy State Law.
The hunters were pleased that they can hunt for their livestock anywhere in the country. However, blue states banned their profession for moral reasons. New York and California vowed to arrest abortion bounty hunters on the spot if they caught these mercenaries wandering in their states. Furthermore some red states outlawed this profession. Kansas citizens voted against politicians weakening their abortion rights.
Abortion bounty hunters realized that they need to hunt in states that won’t let human rights triumph religion. This narrowed down their hunting grounds to Utah.
Provo, Utah is a city for Evangelical Christians who are vocal about pro-life. However, many of these Christians support their family members getting abortions to avoid raising children out of wedlock. If hunters can weed out the hypocrites, they can bring them back to Texas and reap the rewards.
We reached out to an abortion bounty hunter named Doug. Doug wished to keep his actual name private in fear of getting arrested on his way to Utah. Doug beamed.
“We have to thank technology for this! TikTok hosted a prank where a teen boy from Utah called his pro-life mother that he got a stripper pregnant. The mother casually responded by encouraging her son to take the stripper to an abortion clinic.
“Of course ultra religious people would be hypocrites! They would rather use God’s name in vain to preach how society should act. They have no problems with their family breaking the rules. As long as others follow the rules and become poorer by giving birth to unwanted children, these rich ‘religious ‘families can still stay in the same financial class!
“I did some research on what religion abortion patients identified as. My jaw dropped when I discovered the following.
- 54% of abortion patients identify as Christian
- 38% reported no religious affiliation
- 8% reported some other affiliation.
“If 54% of abortion patients practice some sort of Christianity, then we hunt our prey in a state where Christianity is popular! Utah is perfect!”
We asked Doug if the Bible allows him to profit off the suffering of his Christian colleagues. Doug smirked, “The bible said it’s ok to torture people, as long as they are sinners. If Utah is full of hypocrites who get abortions, then there is no salvation for them. We’re just taking out the trash under God’s commands, while making a few bucks along the way.”
We asked Doug what happens if they run out of abortion patients in Utah. Doug shrugged.
“Utah is the number one supplier of religious nuts! Consequently, there will be a high number of patients who get abortions in secret! Abortion patients in Utah is just like coal for Kentucky. Both resources will never run out!
“But it doesn’t hurt to plan ahead. I heard that there are some red states with no medical abortions. Tennessee, Alabama, Oklahoma, Kentucky. If that’s the case, then women will have to leave the state to get an abortion to save their lives. Those states will be our next target.
“We’ll need to move fast, however. Since a woman can die without a medical abortion, we have to transport her to Texas ASAP. All these Texas abortion bounties are wanted alive.”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
Thanks for reading!
If you want to read and laugh more, visit The Haven’s homepage.
If you desire black comedy and dark sports humor, visit my profile’s Table of Contents page.
If you’re a new user on Medium and feel that I’m funny enough to binge all my content in one day, you’ll need a membership fee to get unlimited access. If you want to subscribe for a membership, then please use this link. If you use this link instead of signing up like normal people, then I get paid.
Seriously. Please sign up through my link. I desperately need money to pay off my debts to the Yakuza.
