ENTERTAINMENT, RELIGION
Evangelical Christians Blast Disney’s The Little Mermaid For Ignoring The Original Story
Wait till God hears about this!
We had the woke movement blast Christopher Nolan for not casting minorities in his Ku Klux Klan biopic. Now, we have white people blasting Disney for casting minorities in The Little Mermaid.
People took to Twitter to blast Disney’s cheap attempt to cater to the woke movement. User @MAGAForLife tweeted.
“They casted a black girl as Ariel! Last time I checked, mermaids are white and beautiful! I haven’t been this outraged at blackwashing history since I saw Hamilton!”
We asked @MAGAForLife how he knew that mermaids are white.
“That’s what the sailors said back in the day! Ok, maybe they were hallucinating from lack of food, lack of water, or plethora of rum. But they claimed they saw them! So it must be true!
“You really think they would go on record to spread lies? Next, you’re gonna say that QAnon was made up all along? You’re funny.
“Anyways, sailors wrote that they saw monsters who ate them. However, these monsters disguised themselves as beautiful creatures who seduced the sailors with their charms. If they were that pretty, they had to be white!”
We asked @MAGAForLife if he thought blacks were less beautiful than whites. The user got defensive.
“Now hold up. You’re just twisting my words. I just said that whites are beautiful! I’m not racist for thinking I find white girls more attractive than black girls! Hell, even my best friend is half-black! So I can’t be racist!”
We were amused at @MAGAForLife for not stopping the Q-tip when there’s resistance. However, the heart wants what the heart wants. Even if it desires superficial qualities like skin color.
We shifted and asked @MAGAForLife how he knew from sailors’ notes that mermaids were white. If what the sailors wrote were true, then mermaids looked like manatees. Manatees are as brown and grey as Gandalf’s turds.
@MAGAForLife admitted.
“I’m just assumed mermaids are white because of Disney’s 1989 film! I know it’s animated. But in my mind, Ariel was gorgeous as a white redhead. I’m mad that Disney is not catering to my sexual desires!”
We applauded the user for realizing that his meaningless outrage was linked to his sexual desires. It takes courage for a conservative to admit that he/she is turned on by a cartoon. Even if lusting after inanimate objects goes against the Bible.
However, we were surprised to see MAGAmorons and Evangelical Christians slamming this movie as well. Are all Christians as horny as Satan? We assumed only the Vatican Church priests were once they discovered altar boys.
We reached out to a famous Evangelist to make sense of this: Pat Robertson. Robertson began.
“On behalf of Utah, we will boycott this 2023 movie for ignoring Christian values. How dare the creators sin under God’s name!”
We asked Robertson when black people and other minorities have sinned under God’s name. Robertson glared.
“What are you talking about? Black people have never sinned under Christianity! Ok, fine. We didn’t accept minorities as much as they would liked. We banned black Christians from our Mormon churches. We whitewashed a brown Jesus just to increase the Church’s marketability.
“But they haven’t sinned under God! We’ve later accepted Christian minorities as our own in 1980!”
We asked Robertson why he was outraged about the 2023 film being different from the 1989 film. Aside from the transition from animation to live action, the only difference between the 2023 the 1989 films are the cast. Otherwise, it’s the same story.
Robertson glared.
“When did I say I liked the 1989 film? That movie is also an abomination!
“I’m talking about the tale Hans Christian Andersen wrote in 1837. Now THAT is a story of Christian values.
“Sadly, Disney went and made two cheap adaptations that ignored the true meaning of The Little Mermaid. Liberal companies are once again silencing God’s words!”
We asked Robertson how The Little Mermaid fairy tale is one rooted in Christianity? Even though Disney deviated from the original story, they did make two films that showcase selflessness, love, courage, and compassion. Those are values Christianity embodies.
Ritchie shook his head.
“Nope. The fairy tale is more Christian than these sugar coated movies.
“First, the fairy tale is written by Hans Christian Andersen. Christian is his middle name. So obviously, this tale is more Christian!
“Second, The Little Mermaid isn’t a story about a mermaid finding true love with a prince! The Little Mermaid is a story about a mermaid sacrificing true love just to get into heaven! That is the embodiment of Christianity!
“Third, The Little Mermaid showcases that anyone can get into heaven if they work hard enough. Mermaids are selfish monsters, as they murder sailors to get their treasures. Even though they live for 300 years, mermaids cease existence once they die. This tale shows how these creatures can obtain heaven.”
We asked Robertson to explain his analysis. Robertson smiled.
“Christianity states that humans should not follow their interests on Earth. They should serve others on Earth just so they can be promised a much better life after death. God planned trials for each human on Earth just so he can weed out the weak folks from his paradise.
“The little mermaid went through these trials. She gave up her voice. She gave up her right to return to the sea. She gave up her fins for human legs. She gave up swimming peacefully for dancing, even though she felt pain of a thousand knives for ever step she took. She gave up her longevity just to become human, even though she would cease to exist if the prince gave a “kiss out of true love” to someone else.
“So why would she do this? Because the mermaid wanted the prince’s love so badly that she chose him over rationality. This desire is so corny, that we’re surprised this tale wasn’t remade into a cheesy romantic comedy starring Katherine Heigl.
“Did the mermaid get what she wanted? NO! The prince was too dumb to notice all that she gave up to be with him! He told the mermaid that he didn’t loved her, and he chose someone else to marry. So much for happily ever after!
“However, the mermaid had an option to turn back into a mermaid. All she had to do was kill the prince the night before his wedding. If she didn’t, then she will disintegrate into oblivion after the marriage. The mermaid had her chance to live longer, but chose to sacrifice herself for the prince’s happiness!”
Robertson clasped his hands.
“THIS is the true story Disney should be telling! The mermaid chased the love of a prince, but unknowingly chased the love of God. Because of her selflessness, God allowed her to live on Earth for 300 years. He gave her a chance to enter heaven, as long as she selflessly devoted herself to mankind.”
We asked Robertson why it is important to tell this dark story about a girl submitting to God instead of Disney’s version of a girl going after what she wants. Robertson shook his head.
“Christianity requires girls to be subservient to boys. It is their Biblical role.
“However, Hollywood has corrupted our youth. Now, girls want to be treated like boys and have adventures. They want to travel around the world! They want to ignore the feelings of men!
“We need to control girls once again! We need to show them that their role isn’t to go after what they want. Their goal is to succumb to Jesus and be good little angels. We need to make Evangelism popular once again!
“That’s why Hans Christian Anderson’s fairy tale is a Christian textbook! It helps us reestablish our control on women. It brings America back to the good old days of conservatism!”
We asked Robertson if manipulating girls through outdated fairy tales is what Jesus would have wanted. Jesus loves all children equally, even those who strayed away from their “Biblical roles.”
Robertson shrugged.
“Bold of you to assume I care what Jesus thinks. I helped orchestrate his second crucifixion after he was reborn.
“I just want to use religion to control others and make my life easier. I’m 92 years old. I didn’t spend close to a century wasting my time on this God love nonsense if I wasn’t getting anything from it. Disney is just making my life harder by telling others to live selfishly.
“I want to religiously guilt trip the company! They’re already facing pressure from Ron DeSantis for being woke. If I can convince the world that Disney ignores the Bible, then I can make evangelism great again (MEGA)!
“Through MEGA, I can achieve my childhood dream of becoming Mega Man!”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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