Jesus Christ’s Rebirth Ended In Being Crucified By Modern Day Evangelical Christians

Forgiveness stops

A moment of silence for our lord and savior.

Francis the Pope put on his 10-year old raggedy robes to head off to the nearby monastery. He was chanting his hymns when a middle eastern with long black hair stumbled in. The 30-year old male asked to be baptized just so he can leave his job as a materialistic home remodeler. Francis the Pope was uneasy, as he didn’t know the stranger and wanted to avoid having the Vatican Church take in another potential pedophile.

Francis the Pope began asking him questions about his birth and such. The man said his origins are unknown, as he came from an orphanage in Egypt. All he knew is that his birth circumstances were unusual. His mother suffered from cloaca, a term when the female bladder, vagina and rectum do not develop normally. Consequently, all of the mother’s intestinal, urinal and reproductive functions are performed from the same orifice. The man said that his mother had to surgically give birth, but her reproduction through anal intercourse technically made her still a virgin.

Francis the Pope’s jaw dropped. “I couldn’t believe my eyes. Could this be Jesus Christ reborn?”

Francis the Pope baptized the man as Jesus of Nazareth, and told him that the world has been much worse since he left. A growing number of people have idolized materialism, greed, sexual abuse, power, selfishness, and other vices. The victims are brainwashed into sticking to the status quo under the false pretense; the belief that they too could reach a sustainable living if they simply worked hard enough. Francis the Pope begged Jesus to go to the poorest region and spend his life devoted to helping the most economically deprived and abused victims of the world. Taking the advice to heart, Jesus booked a one way Virgin Airlines ticket to Savannah, Georgia.

After setting foot in America, he travelled around the barren farmlands and ghetto streets. To pay back the state for letting him sample their peaches, Jesus performed a number of miraculous acts. He cured Stevie Wonder of his blindness and resurrected his good friend, David Bowie, from the dead. He stood up and caused the tropical downpour of Hurricane Michael to end in Georgia. His street magic trick of turning water into wine impressed many citizens, including David Blaine.

However, Jesus’s achievements won more haters this time around.

• Poor white men were angry that a brown man had more power than them.
• Poor black men were angry that Jesus’s street magic was borderline witchcraft.
• Church pastors and televangelists were angry that Jesus’s teachings caused followers to spend less money at the church, thus decreasing the churches’s revenue.
• Conservative men felt that Jesus’s messages of tolerance and acceptance among all communities (even transgenders and LGBTQ) was unacceptable.
• Rich men did not like Jesus’s imploring of donating their wealth to help the poor, as they felt it is a form of socialism.
• The GOP was furious that Jesus Christ was not Donald Trump.
• Donald Trump was furious that he wasn’t blessed with Jesus’s powers.
• Evangelical Christians hated Jesus for encouraging supporters to listen to scientists and wear masks during the pandemic, as they felt that only pure faith will overcome anything.

The modern world changed significantly to the point that current “Christians” would not accept the original teachings of Jesus Christ.

Evangelical Christians in the Cathedral Of Saint John The Baptist charged Jesus with blasphemy and sought his execution, but lacked the authority to have Jesus put to death. They brought in televangelist Joel Osteen, the pastor of the Lakewood Megachurch in Houston, to authorize Jesus’s execution. Jesus went into hiding in Arkansas, and stayed in the closet of Jessa Duggar Seewald. After a few months, her parents Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar caught ahold of their daughter’s refugee. They subsequently forced Jesus to come out of the closet and turned him into Osteen. In exchange, Osteen promised them that he will get their firstborn son Josh Duggar a full pardon from his child pornography possession.

Osteen, Pat Robertson, and other televangelists met with the Trinity Broadcasting Network to discuss how to profit off this once-in-a-lifetime event. They announced a weeklong series where they would try Jesus in court for 4 days, flog him on the 5th day, crucify him on the 6th day, and let him rest on the 7th day. They estimated this worldwide televised event to bring in $2 billion for the entire week, enough to cover their summer bonuses. Some followers found this excessive, but gave in after realizing they can’t go back to how Christianity was truly practiced.

The Evangelical Christians tried Jesus under Robertson. Proudly taking on the mantle as Pontius Pilate, Robertson tried to drag on the event for 4 days. However, the trial ended in 1 day, as Jesus didn’t hire any lawyers and did not fight back. The jury immediately found Jesus guilty, thus losing revenue Trinity Broadcasting Network predicted they could earn. As Jesus was taken to his cell, Robertson pondered if this man was really the Son of God himself. Nevertheless, Robertson couldn’t accept Jesus’s support of feminism, and decided that this trial was the path of righteousness.

Trinity Broadcasting Network panicked and later sold the rights to the remainder of the event to Fox News, who bought them for a staggering $1 billion. Fox News reconvened to extend Jesus’s flogging to 5 days. Already malnourished and parched, Jesus collapsed after 10 severe whips in 20 minutes. Fox News was furious that Jesus couldn’t last for the contracted 4000 whips, and took him to the hospital for a quick recovery. Jesus rested for 5 full days, with Fox televising fans visiting the prophet and showering him with gifts and flowers.

After Jesus recovered on the 7th day, Osteen quickly brought him to a cross Osteen’s followers built. Disgraced surgeon Rand Paul pulled out his Craftsman Nail gun and pinned Jesus to the cross. However, Paul fell asleep during an important college anatomy class, and accidentally punctured two of Jesus’s major veins that directly connected his wrists to brain. Jesus subsequently died in 6 minutes, well before Osteen’s followers figured out how to hoist the cross.

With expenses included, Fox News raked in only $441.28 for the week long event. Despite the box office bomb, the second crucifixion of Jesus received critical acclaim among Evangelical Christians. The New Orleans Saints front office sighed with relief, as they can go back to covering up sex scandals among the Catholic priests. Osteen and Robertson lobbied Texas and Arkansas governors to successfully overturn Josh Duggar’s conviction, which lead to TLC renegotiating a new contract with Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar. The first season of 21 Kids & Counting kicked off with Michelle Duggar announcing that she is expecting a baby boy. To keep the family tradition of the J theme with names, they decided to name the boy Judas.

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

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