POLITICS

Governor Greg Abbott Boasts “Ingenious” Plan To Combat Rising House Prices At The Cost Of Texan Lives

Pimp My State

With housing prices skyrocketing due to remote work, people are waiting for the potential bubble to pop before they sweep in to buy affordable houses. Texas Governor Greg Abbott has a different solution to this problem.

Abbott’s solution is not a one time fix, but an accumulation of f***** up rules he enforced over the years to disregard human life. Or as Benito Mussolini calls these rules, things that make his pee-pee go boing.

• Enforcing voter suppression to make it easier for corrupt leaders like himself to stay in power, thus screwing over opposing parties.
• Placing a $10,000 abortion bounty as a ridiculous attempt to limit Texas abortions, thus screwing over women and small/middle business owners.
• Reallocating money meant for catching online sexual predators to chasing an imaginary campaign in 2020 voter fraud, thus screwing over both children and democracy.
• Declining to pursue massive child sex abuse scandal, as he feared his good friend and QAnon leader Matt Gaetz would get arrested. Another attempt to screw over children and democracy.
• Dropping a teaching requirement that the Ku Klux Klan is morally wrong, thus screwing over African-Americans.
• Killing a bipartisan school finance bill to improve education, consequently having more teachers leave the Texas education system. Right now, we want to congratulate Abbott for officially reaching the triple crown of screwing over children in Texas.
• Paying females $5000 less than males in his office, thus screwing over females again.
• Vetoing attempts to pay salaries of workers in the Texas Legislature, thus screwing over state politicians. Actually, we’ll let this slide as there’s no loss here. No one gives a s*** about politicians.
• Capitalizing on internet services that hurt rural hospitals and towns, thus screwing over the poor and middle class.
• Banning mask mandates and halting vaccine distribution, thus screwing over everyone in Texas by bringing COVID deaths to an all-time high.
• Banning union payroll deductions, thus screwing over the blue-collar class.
• Passing no measures to prevent public shootings. Inspired by famous children author Christopher Paolini, Abbott decided that his 3rd installment needed another book just to complete his monstrosity of screwing over children.
• Forcing Texas to have its own independent grid to prevent federal regulation (despite 2021 snowstorm), thus screwing over everyone in Texas once again.
• Trying to get states to overrule Supreme Court decisions, thus reaching the triple crown of screwing over democracy.
• Banning LGBTQ couples from having basic rights and adopting children, thus screwing over that community.
• Promoting the January 6th Terrorist attack and refusing to acknowledge Biden as a president, thus screwing over democracy for the 4th time. Really? Did we honestly need this? No one is lining up to see the 4th Matrix film.
• Doing nothing to fix Texas’s abysmal healthcare, even going so far as to refuse Medicaid services. Abbott finally reached the triple crown of screwing over everyone in Texas.
• Skyrocketing unemployment in Texas to the tune of 3.8 million jobless citizens. We’re now convinced that Abbott felt his trilogy of screwing over everyone in Texas needed an Abbott Forever After.

And, the worst crime of all,

• Supporting Senator Raphael Edward Cruz, thus screwing over God.

Ok. We lied. This is not the list of Abbott’s atrocities. This is 5% of all the crimes Abbott did. We apologize to all our readers for trying to make Abbott look like Mr. Rogers living in a Taliban ruled neighborhood. However, we couldn’t waste your precious time listing 20 minutes of crimes against humanity. If you’re interested in such, google “Gregg Abbott failed Texas” to retrieve 10 search engine pages worth of content.

Nevertheless, we couldn’t help but be a bit amazed at America’s Next Top Dictator. Abbott has strived to achieve every inhumane page in the Republican Party playbook. We are just surprised that he hasn’t yet offered to test out new NRA gun models on innocent civilians. We reached out to Abbott to jokingly ask him about this. Abbott laughed for a good 15 minutes, and then asked us out to dinner. We were surprised at his straightforwardness, but we went along as we wanted to get an interview and dinner free of charge. We sat down with him, where he got uncomfortably close and put his hands on our thighs.

“Look, I don’t usually reveal my secrets to anyone. But since you’re a woman and you’re too dumb to understand anything, I’ll make an exception. The testing out guns on civilians is a great concept! Unfortunately, I defunded sanitary efforts, so we have no means of cleaning up rotten corpses. I’m in favor of ruining Texas, but I do need to make it a place for me to live.”

We asked Abbott why he desired to go out of his way to turn Texas into Satan’s butthole. While his colleague, Ron DeSantis, is doing the same with Florida, DeSantis is at least trying to improve the state’s IQ. Abbott is making sure no one will ever want to stay in Texas.

Abbott beamed. “Exactly! You finally got it! For a woman, that was much faster than I expected! But yes! I’ve achieved everything I wanted in life. I own a mansion, drive a Ferrari, have a mega yacht, and even married a woman! Or at least I think so, I hope she’s not a man. Despite all my accomplishments, I still can’t fill the black void in my heart. I want more. I need more. I need to own all of Texas.”

Abbott clapped his hands. “I want the state all to myself. No Mexican rapists, no African-American drug dealers, no white trash, no disabled folks, no mature hospital officials telling me what to do. I just need to make Texas no longer livable so that I can buy all the land!”

We asked Abbott why he couldn’t buy Texas with the money he has right now. Abbott shook his head. “My dear, you have much to learn about finances. Real estate prices are too damn high! Tech, gentrification, the pandemic, and Saudi Arabian billionaire investors are now ruining affordable housing! I miss the good old days when I can buy a 6 bedroom house for $50,000. Now, I see no end in sight when it comes to buying land.

“With my proposals to ruin Texas, I can turn off buyers and companies to invest in real estate. I can make the dream of affordable housing a reality once again. Cheap housing prices is the backbone of America! It’s time we make America great once again!”

We begged Abbott to reconsider his approach. His tactics are drastically getting rid of both Texan adults and, more importantly, children. Abbott smirked.

“You’re not the first person to call me out on this. Medium Michael Burg tried to call out my anti-mask/anti-vax policies by showing how my actions result in death of children. He went so far as to slander my name by creating a Dr. Seuss hoodie that states ‘Things I will put up your ass if you don’t wear a f****** mask’.

“I will admit, this Red Forman impersonator has got me thinking. Children are useless, moronic, tiny s*** machines. No homeowner wants to buy a house with a crying child next to it. If anything, increasing population of children will drive the real estate prices down. My policies will definitely reduce the number of children, and make my investments more expensive.”

Abbott sighed, then shook his head. “No, I can’t fathom living in a world with children. I’m 63 years old! I’m too old for this s***! I just want some peace and quiet! I don’t want to live in a neighborhood with kids running around and pulling pranks on me! They’ll make my retirement years miserable as hell! I may make Texas more expensive by getting rid of them, but that’s a small price to pay for freedom.

“In the wise words of R. Kelly and Karl Malone, f*** them kids!”

We thanked Abbott for his time and hurried off before he tried to grope us. We went to warn all the Texas politicians of Abbott’s corrupt behavior. In response, they attempted to block all of Abbott’s proposed plans by flying out on a plane to live in Cancun indefinitely.

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

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Article in Reference:

https://www.texasdemocrats.org/media/in-every-single-way-greg-abbott-has-failed-texas/