Summary

Netflix has greenlit a sequel to "12 Years a Slave" featuring Colin Kaepernick, amidst controversy and satirical commentary on the commercialization of historical tragedies.

Abstract

Netflix's decision to produce a sequel to the acclaimed film "12 Years a Slave," with Colin Kaepernick in the lead role, has sparked discussions on the intersection of entertainment, history, and social issues. The announcement follows the success of Kaepernick's Netflix series "Colin in Black & White," which explores his experiences with racism in the NFL. Despite the series' polarizing content and the platform's financial motivations, Netflix is pushing forward with the film, aiming to capitalize on the attention and potentially establish a new cinematic universe. The project has raised concerns about the trivialization of serious historical matters for profit, as well as the potential for exploiting sensitive topics for entertainment value.

Opinions

The author expresses skepticism about Kaepernick's comparison of the NFL Draft Combine to American slavery, finding it difficult to take the documentary seriously.
There is a clear opinion that Netflix is prioritizing financial gain and subscriber retention over the integrity of content, as evidenced by their pursuit of a sequel despite the polarizing nature of the original series.
The article suggests that Netflix's focus on content is a response to stagnation in technology and competition from other streaming services, indicating a shift in the company's strategy.
The satirical piece implies that Netflix's foray into original content, including the Kaepernick project, is driven by the need to differentiate itself in a crowded market and to keep up with competitors who have reclaimed their content.
The author points out the irony in Netflix's attempt to inspire civil rights discussions through a film that is potentially exploiting a sensitive topic for commercial success.
The involvement of Nike as a sponsor, with the intention to screen the film for workers in Uighur concentration camps, is presented as a critique of corporate insensitivity and the commodification of social movements.
The article concludes with a tongue-in-cheek call to action for readers to support the author financially through Medium membership, using humor to underscore the financial challenges faced by content creators.

SPORTS, BUSINESS, HISTORY

Netflix Greenlit 12 Years A Slave Sequel With Colin Kaepernick As The Titular Character

Commercializing tragedies is so hot right now

Picture of 12 Years a Slave from Searchlight pictures. Picture of football from pngfind. Picture of Colin Kaepernick from NBCNews. Picture of Netflix logo from PikPNG.

Tuns out winning an Oscar is easier than winning a SuperBowl. Just ask former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick.

Kaepernick made headlines with his new Netflix TV series: Colin in Black & White. The civil rights activist talked about his upbringing and how racism is prevalent in the NFL. We need to let you readers know that we haven’t watched the show fully, due to its absurdism 2 minutes and 30 seconds in.

While it’s possible that Kaepernick brought up interesting points on how racism is still subtly prevalent in society, we still couldn’t believe he compared the NFL Draft Combine to American slavery. Kaepernick truly believed that combine measures to test whether an athlete can preform at the highest level is equivalent to white plantation owners inspecting slave bodies to see if they’re physically able to pick crops. We were amused that Kaepernick felt he was forced to play in the NFL, despite him voluntarily making repeated attempted comebacks since 2016.

We hope you readers can forgive us for not watching the rest of the series, as we no longer took this documentary seriously. Unlike Kaepernick, slaves would gladly choose becoming 21st century football players instead of 19th century cotton pickers. At least football players can live in luxury, in their own homes, and away from white people whipping them against their will. Unless they’re playing for the Jacksonville Jaguars when Urban Meyer was still the head ball coach.

Netflix, however, had a different opinion than us. Kaepernick’s series brought in more new subscribers and retained more existing users. Shareholders sighed with relief that Netflix reached their extremely lofty 2021 benchmarks. Had Netflix failed, they would have to host their own Squid Games to see which employees they had to retain.

As gratitude for Kaepernick saving their ass from financial ruin, CEO Reed Hastings decided to expand on the concepts this millionaire slave brought up. Hastings began this meeting.

“Kaepernick’s TV show was a huge success. That being said, there’s no second season.

“Regardless of popularity, TV shows no longer pick up new viewers or subscribers beyond the third season. The cost of running the show becomes more expensive than the revenue gained from running the show. Netflix will lose more money trying to convince people that the NFL is modern slavery.

“To those believing our content is outrageous, cut us some slack! We never cared about our content until now! We were fine being a tech company that beat Blockbuster and Redbox at its own game! They did DVD store rentals, we shipped DVDs to your home. They did DVD kiosks, we did streaming. We innovated on technology until our competitors wisened up. Now, they have their own streaming versions and caught up to us technology wise.

“We thought technology for movie distribution would improve drastically at this point. Instead, it stalled for the last 5 years. Why is this technology moving as slow as George R.R. Martin writing Game of Thrones novels?

“Content is now Netflix’s bread and butter. We can no longer innovate on our shows as we used to. Why do you think there were six seasons of our original TV shows BoJack Horseman and House of Cards? Yes, we lost money post third season. But we got by on subscribers binge watching Parks & Rec and The Office. Do people not want original TV shows?

“We hosted third party shows on our advanced tech. Now, Peacock and Disney+ took back their shows from Netflix to host on their streaming platforms. Netflix is now forced to become a cinema production company, pressured to create crappy shows to convince users to shell $15 a month. There’s only so many Dave Chapelle specials we can survive on before the woke culture cancels us!

“This is why we can’t make a second season of Colin in Black & White. The first season was too polarizing to retain existing viewers/gain more viewers in the second season. We’ll lose money if we continue this TV series.”

Hastings paused.

“That being said, People are still talking about the show. We need to strike when the iron is hot. We just need a different medium to tell Kaepernick’s story. Why not tell it as a movie? We could consider a comedy special, given how hilarious the first two and a half minutes of the first episode of the TV show was.

“Netflix does so much better in movies. We actually got nominated for Oscars for our original content! People subscribed to us just to waste half a year watching The Irishman!

“Netflix original movies also do much better if they’re part of an established brand. It’s why we gave Adam Sandler a multi-year, billion dollar deal to create a shitton of annoying Happy Madison films until he lies on his deathbed.

“These two concepts alone gave us the brilliant idea to buy merchandising and distribution rights to a former Oscar Best Picture Winner: 12 Years A Slave. Critically acclaimed director Steve McQueen sold these rights to us for 60% of our asking price, thus giving us full control to make a sequel to this movie. This sequel will star Kaepernick in the titular role, as it goes through the process of him being a millionaire slave in the NFL.

“We are excited to greenlight this project, and hope this will be a stepping stone to Netflix’s Slave Cinematic Universe (SCU). I truly believe the SCU can rival other cinematic universes from Marvel and DC Comics.”

Hastings said this sequel was called 12 Years a Slave 2, but decided to change the name to the following titles to honor Kaepernick’s short-lived, illustrious, 6-year NFL career.

12/2 Years a Slave
6 Years a Slave
12 Years a Slave 2: Son of A Slave
Colin in Frock & Cloth
Colin’s Mouth Unchained
Roots: The Story of Kunta Kaepernick

We were impressed that Netflix was committed to making more films on slavery. We noticed there hasn’t been many films to depict this tragedy, and we need these films more than ever to educate Americans on this shameful past. That being said, we were worried that Netflix was focused more on profiting from a taboo topic.

Hastings reassured us that Netflix’s goal is to inspire others through showing Kaepernick’s hard-fought, civil rights tale. To “quell” our concerns, Hastings revealed they brought on Nike as a sponsor for the film. Nike was on board to fund production costs for this movie, as Hastings promised them an advanced screening of this movie to inspire their slaves at the Uighyr Concentration Camps to work harder.

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

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