SPORTS
Kyrie Irving Blasts Reporters For Giving A Shit About The NBA Regular Season
We’re talking about a game!
The superstar’s disciple Kyrie Irving hosted a press conference to blast reporters for criticizing him. Irving has been sitting out for the regular season just to protest the anti-vaccine mandate protest and give “the voiceless a voice.” Apparently, he wanted the anti-vaxxers to be heard and seen, and not to be discriminated by the government for choosing their selfishness over the health of the greater good. We still haven’t heard back from Irving if he will protest NBA press conferences for discriminating racists like Rick Berry and Donald Sterling. After all, shouldn’t these “voiceless” be heard as well? Monsters have rights too!
Irving, however, diverted from his vaccine stance and shamed the reporters for giving the regular season so much importance.
“I haven’t played more than 1 regular season game, and the Brooklyn Nets are already in 3rd place in the East. They can win without me during the regular season. I’ll just rest up for the playoffs and take over.
“Injuries destroyed our run in 2021, and we need to be healthy for this year. The NBA regular season is very brutal, and we all need fresh legs to compete for the championship. I’m sacrificing the battles in order to win the war.”
We were amused that an anti-vaxxer prioritized his health for the sake of a larger community. That being said, we can see why Irving’s sitting out is a strategic tactic. However, we wondered if Irving was using lessons from The Art Of War to distract us from the reasons why we criticize him (flat-earther, anti-vaxxer).
It’s time we open this up for a debate in the comments, dear readers. We typed up the full transcript of the interaction between Irving and the reporters below. Please review and let us know your thoughts!
[Irving]
Y’all wonder why I don’t say that I’m the franchise player…I don’t feel like I’m the franchise player because look at this press conference. I mean look at what we’re talking about. That’s why I say I’m not the franchise player. I feel like I’m the best player out here…the best player in the world. Franchise players don’t go through this. Franchise player’s daughters don’t have to go to school and hear is your daddy coming back? What’s going on with your daddy and Coach Nash and yadayada? She’s six years old and that’s what she has to deal with. It hurts because I know that I’m better than that. I do all I can for this city, this team, this franchise, and my teammates. I don’t think nobody in the world plays harder than me. For me, going through this is tough. I’m tired you know, everybody in Brooklyn know, all y’all know that I want to be here. Ain’t no secret. Everybody knows that I want to be a Net for the rest of my career. But I’m tired and I’m hurt too.
[Reporter]
You’re not the franchise player because you’re third fiddle behind Kevin Durant and James Harden. Despite that, these MVP candidates do their best to show up in the regular season. Is there a reason why they’re on the floor every night, and you’re not?
[Irving]
If a coach says I miss a game, and y’all hear it, then that’s that. I might’ve played one game this year, but if somebody says ‘He doesn’t come to games,’ they just ignore that one game out of all the 82 games this year, that’s enough. I told Coach Nash that you don’t have to give the people of Brooklyn a reason to think about trading me or anything like that. If you trade somebody, you trade them to make the team better…simple as that. I’m cool with that. I’m all about that. The people in Brooklyn deserve to have a winner. It’s simple as that. It goes further than that.
[Reporter]
So you and Coach Nash got caught up on Saturday about regular season games?
[Irving]
If I can’t play, I can’t play. If I’m hurt, I’m hurt. Simple as that. It’s not about that at all. But it’s easy to talk about and sum it up when you just talk about the game; we’re sitting here, and I’m supposed to be the third fiddle, and we’re in here talking about a meaningless regular season game. I mean, listen, we’re talking about a game. Not the playoffs! Not the playoffs! Not the playoffs! We’re talking about a game. Not the playoffs; not the the playoffs that I go out there and die for and play every playoff matchup like it’s my last, and make sure we get a championship, not the playoffs, we’re talking about a game, man. I mean, how silly is that? We’re talking about a regular season game. I know I’m supposed to be there, I know I’m supposed to lead by example, I know that. And I’m not shoving it aside like it don’t mean anything. I know it’s important. I do. I honestly do. But we’re talking about a game, man. What are we talking about? A regular season game? We’re talking about a game, man!
We’re talking about a game! We’re talking about a regular season game… We ain’t talking about the playoffs! We’re talking about a game, man! When you come to the arena, and you see me play… You see me play, don’t you?
[Reporter]
Absolutely.
[Irving]
You see me give everything I got, right?
[Reporter]
Absolutely.
[Irving]
But we’re talking about a regular season game right now!
[Reporter]
But it’s an issue that your coaches continue to raise!
[Irving]
Look, I hear you. It’s funny to me too. It’s strange to me too. But we’re talking about a game, man. We’re not even talking about the playoffs, the contention for the championships, when it matters the most, we’re talking about the regular season game.
[Different Reporter]
Is it possible, though, from where he’s coming from, if you played in the regular season and get vaccinated, not you would be better, but your teammates?
[Irving]
How the hell can I make my teammates better by playing in a regular season game?! How the hell can I make my teammates better by getting vaccinated?
[Reporter]
So they can be used to playing with you. So they can be healthy from COVID outbreaks via heard immunity.
[Irving]
They should be used to playing with me. They should be used to COVID. Hell, my recent teammate the Great Wall of China should have already been immune to COVID by now! Those are my teammates. So my game is going to deteriorate because I’m not playing with my teammates? Is my game is going to get worse? I’m asking you, is my game going to get worse? So what about my game? Is my game going to get better because other players are hurt on my team, I mean, do that hurt me? Do you think that hurts me? I’m being honest, people are hurt on my team and we should rest them for when the battles do matter. We shouldn’t have them play in meaningless games against the Sacramento Kings. But does that hurt me? Does that hurt me when I go out there and play 48 minutes in the playoffs, does that hurt me as a player? Does that hurt me if this person is hurt or that person is hurt? Do it hurt me?
[Reporter]
You don’t need it as much as they do.
[Irving]
What do you mean by I don’t need it as much?
[Reporter]
Because you’re the superstar.
[Irving]
What do you mean I’m the superstar?
[Reporter]
Because you’re better than they are. One of the best in the NBA.
[Irving]
So why are we talking about trade talk or there’s a problem with me? No, I’m not obviously I’m not. You’re contradicting yourself man. If I’m the superstar, then why is all this happening? Why does my daughter have to deal with this? Why? If I’m the franchise player, then why did you respond that I’m third fiddle? Why am I behind KD and Harden? Why am I supposed to be having this meeting? Why am I talking to y’all about this?
[Reporter]
You said that you and coach are on the same page, but it does not sound like it?
[Irving]
We are on the same page. We are. I’m upset because of one reason…we are in here. I lost my best friend Kobe, I lost this year [in the playoffs], I feel that everything is going downhill for me as far as my life.
I don’t want to deal with this man, I don’t want to go through this shit man. This is where I want to be. I love this place, I love my teammates, I don’t have any problems with Coach Nash at all. Coach Nash has problems with me as far as lifting…I do not know about this thing with practice because I have not been missing any practices.
I don’t have any problems with Steve Nash, this organization at all. I just don’t want to go through this. That’s my only problem. I don’t want to go through this. I don’t want to lose and all winter have to go through this right here. Why? I don’t feel that it’s right. I lost. I lost. I mean me, my coaching staff, my teammates, this organization lost. You don’t hear about any one of my teammates going through this. It’s me. It’s just me. I have to deal with it. And now it ain’t about me and Steve Nash. It’s about him. It’s about Kyrie Irving. The ball is in his corner.
I read the article and my friends and people tell me things but it’s all on me. I accept it but the shit hurts. But it’s not just about me. Yeah I got some shit I need to get better in but everybody does. But you don’t talk about everyone else, you just talk about me. And why because I make money?
[Reporter]
Because you’re an all-star.
[Irving]
What does that mean? I’m the All-Star and I have to worry about trade talk. I’m not an All-Star. I was the number #1 pick! I won a ring for Cleveland! I’m the MVP, the MVP of this league. I mean, the best basketball players in the world. Ok, I didn’t win the award, but I should have because no one can defend my handles. But it’s cool, I don’t give much thought to awards and materialism. I’m the best basketball player in the world…and this is what I have to go through when I lose. I can’t win them all. I’m human. I am just like you. You might be a little better than me in your eyes or from the people that love you but you’re human just like me, right? You are no different. You bleed just like I bleed, you cry just like I cry, you hurt just like I hurt. But I am Kyrie Irving, I get paid to play basketball.
[Reporter]
But that’s why you’re different because you play ball?
[Irving]
I’m not different than you. You get paid to talk shit on the microphone, don’t you? You get paid to do your job.
[Reporter]
You want to trade salaries?
[Irving]
You get paid to do your job. I can tell you how to do your job because I am beyond humanity. You’re human, you do what you do, that’s your job. I’m tell you what to say. I don’t like the way you pronounced that word or this, that and the third. I’ll do that to you.
[Reporter]
But you acknowledge that being criticized is part of your job?
[Irving]
I am going to get criticized automatically. I don’t have a choice.
[Reporter]
Why do you think it’s only just a regular game?
[Irving]
I did not say that. I’m saying that’s why we are in here having this talk because of a regular game.
[Reporter]
But don’t you think great players and MVP’s make their teammates better?
[Irving]
But that’s what I am, the MVP, but it has nothing to do with a regular game.
Another reporter ushered the group to move on. Before the conference ended, Irving ended with this note.
[Irving]
I hope that it is. But It ain’t really about me. I am selfish to the fact that my daughter has to go through it. My daughter is seven years old. Ask yourself, if your daughter had to listen to people talk bad about that daddy or mother all the time, how would you feel, honestly? If you have kids, I know y’all understand. This is what my daughter goes through at school. She comes home and says her teacher said daddy don’t leave. Daddy, the girl in my class says you’re getting traded. All for a game, a fucking game.
A lot of y’all can’t put your feet in my shoes because you can’t handle it. But just try to stick your feet in my shoes. It does not have to be a fucking day, just try for a minute and try to deal with what I do in my life. My best friend Kobe is dead and we lost. And this is what I have to go through for the rest of the winter until the season is all over again. This is what I got to go through…this is my life in a nutshell. Now y’all come home and live your lovely life, live it up and live your life to the fullest.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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