BUSINESS, TECHNOLOGY
Elon Musk Wins Nobel Peace Prize For Destroying Twitter
Faith in humanity restored
After acquiring Twitter, Elon Musk vowed to remove hate speech, cyberbullying, misinformation, bots, and fake accounts. Turns out the only way to do so is to burn the social media platform to the ground.
Musk tweeted that his company is on track to file for bankruptcy next year. We were unsurprised at this announcement, given his questionable moves since he joined.
- Dissolved Twitter’s board
- Fired the CEO and CFO
- Laid off 25% of Twitter’s workforce, then rehired some of the engineers
- Moved Tesla’s engineers to work on Twitter
- Changed verification requirements to paying $20 a month for a blue checkmark
- Changed verification requirements to $8 a month after Stephen King complained
- Changed original verification requirements to a gray check instead of a blue check, then removed the gray check on the same day
We reached out to Musk on all these moves. Musk smiled.
“I originally backed out of buying Twitter. People thought I was once again manipulating the stock market. In reality, I was lied too.
“Twitter’s leadership told me that less than 5% of Twitter users were fake profiles or bots. They have security tactics to reduce these spam accounts. I dropped my bid immediately after smelling their bullshit.
“They think they can lie to a billionaire? How do you think I made my money? It wasn’t through hard work. Yes, I did pull 100-hour work weeks. But that alone didn’t make me a millionaire. I became a billionaire through screwing people over!
“I think like a businessman. I don’t know why Twitter’s leadership would go through the effort to reduce spam accounts and bots. They would lose money doing so!
“Twitter is bleeding money, and advertisers are worried that no one is on the platform. The bots are what inflates the user metrics. Leadership needs fake accounts to rob their advertisers blind!”
We asked Musk why he changed his mind. Musk laughed.
“Because I’m a billionaire. Not even the Grand Canyon is big enough to contain my ego. I either had to buy a sinking company, or pay a fine for backing out. My ego won’t allow me to spend meaningless money.
“Furthermore, I solved their bot problem. Just have a subscription plan. For $8 a month, your account can have the blue check mark next to your handle. That’s it! Then, your tweets will be more visible than tweets from unverified accounts.
“I’m such a genius. Not only will this bring in more revenue. But this will also get rid of bots and fake news.”
We asked Musk how that plan is going. Musk hung his head.
“Turns out people want to waste money on fake accounts! They’re now mimicking well established companies and spreading more fake news!
- Tesla’s (TSLA) — fake account posted jokes about the vehicle maker’s safety record. TSLA stock price tanked.
- Eli Lilly (LLY) — fake account posted that insulin was now free. LLY stock price tanked.
- Lockheed Martin (LMT) —fake account posted that they will halt all weapons sales to Saudi Arabia, Israel, and the United States, until further investigation into their record of human rights abuses. LMT stock price tanked.
- Nintendo’s (NTDOF) — fake account posted an image of Super Mario giving the middle finger. NTDOF stock price surprisingly didn’t change. The company just had to apologize to all the angry, uptight parents who haven’t gotten laid in years.
“How dare poor people manipulate the stock market through tweets! Only I can do that! I earned my right as a billionaire! I can do whatever I want!
“I attempted to get rid of fake accounts and bots, but created even more! Is there no way to solve this problem? Is Twitter this much of a depraved cesspool?
“No. It’s not my fault. I dropped $44 billion dollars into this, knowing well that this company has been losing revenue for years. If it’s still doing worse off, it’s the people’s fault. They pressured advertisers to drop out of Twitter. Damn the woke movement!”
Musk immediately pulled out his Twitter to blame cancel culture for screwing over Twitter. Immediately, Twitter fact checked Musk’s statement. Twitter’s fact checking bot disputed Musk’s claims, stating that advertisers dropped out voluntarily because they didn’t trust Musk’s direction and leadership¹.
Musk’s jaw dropped.
“How DARE this platform corrects me for my misinformation! Just for that, I’ll destroy this platform. I have no idea how to take down this bot, so I’ll take down everything surrounding it. I’ve already fired a senior software engineer because he corrected me on Twitter. I will be this petty!
“This is the final nail in the coffin! I’ve done so much to keep Twitter afloat. I convinced banks to loan me $13 billion to fix Twitter. I conned Saudi Arabian businessmen to invest in this platform. I robbed from the rich so well that even Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez admires me.
“Regardless, all my efforts are futile. I’m still getting called out for creating my own reality, even though I’m trying to SAVE Twitter! At this rate, the company will be bankrupt within a year.
“It’s time I destroy this corrupt platform for good. This depravity of humanity should never see the light of day ever again.
“Forgive me, Donald Trump. I tried so hard to be like you. I wanted to take over your role as the Twitter king. But I failed.”
We were impressed at Musk’s dedication to improve humanity. He reignited space technology and Mars colonization by creating SpaceX. He promoted environmentalism and electric cars by creating Tesla. Now, he destroyed fake speech and misinformation by bankrupting Twitter.
Musk destroying Twitter received critical acclaim from his peers. The Norwegian Nobel Committee felt Musk deserved the Nobel Peace Prize of 2022 for his efforts to eliminate cyberbullying, hate speech, and internet harassment. Chairman Berit Reiss-Andersen explained the committee’s reasoning.
“Musk could have spent the $44 billion to solve world hunger. Instead, he sunk it on a company, screwed over many of its employees, and watched it die as the survivors struggled. No surprise that a billionaire wanted to create the Squid Games.
“However. This company has gotten worse over the years. So many alt-right trolls and MAGAmorons emerged from this cesspool. Harassment gets negative publicity. Negative publicity gets attention. Attention gets a multi-million dollar contract from Fox News.
“If only Musk spent his money on acquiring Fox News. Then, that depraved fake news station will be destroyed for good. Twitter, however, is a start.
“Furthermore, Musk actually donated $5.7 billion to charity after daring the UN to show him a foolproof plan to end world hunger. No, the plan didn’t show how to end world hunger. It showed how to reduce world hunger.
“Regardless, Musk still donated to a charity. No, the charity wasn’t the United Nations’ (UN) World Food Programme. No, Musk didn’t release the name of the charity. Hold on, did this dude create a charity to bypass tax laws? Maybe he is planning on buying Fox News with that newfound cash after all.
“For Musk’s attempts to destroy corruption, fake news, spam, and harassment, we bestow this prize to him. Please join me in welcoming him!”
Musk went up to the stage, but refused the prize.
“I am humbled, but I can’t accept this. Yes, I’ve wanted to be known as a former US president. But as Trump, not as Barrack Obama.
“I got nothing against Obama. I’m tired of being compared to him just because we’re both African-Americans.
“That being said, the difference between me and Obama is that I actually deserved this award.”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now
UPDATE: On July 25, 2023, Elon Musk rebranded Twitter to X. Therefore killing Twitter for good.
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#1: This actually happened to Musk.
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