POLITICS

Sean Hannity Claims Adolf Hitler Is Innocent Because He Didn’t Kill The Jews Himself

Don’t shoot the messenger!

Oh, look. A Republican supporting Nazis. Who didn’t see this coming?

Sean Hannity was heavily criticized for praising Adolf Hitler on his talk show. Hannity applauded the dictator’s ethnic cleansing following President Joe Biden’s refusal to jump on the Palestine bandwagon during the heightened Israel-Palestine conflict in April/May 2021.

We were confused why Hannity was the scapegoat for anti-semitism when Brandon [formerly Donald] Trump proudly supported white supremacy for years. Nevertheless, Fox News viewers astoundingly grew a conscience and pressured the fake news station to reprimand Hannity for being blatantly obvious in his hatred. Hannity subsequently met with us to say that his pro-Nazi support was taken out of context.

“People should have known not to take me seriously. Fox News even used that same argument in court to downplay Tucker Carlson’s misinformation. Any sane person knows Fox News is not even a legit news source. It makes its money spewing dumb opinions, fake news, and baseless attacks on the liberals. We’re still on air because our beloved fans continue to eat up our bullshit theories.”

Hannity continued.

“Ellie, you of all people should know that I hate Palestine. They have Muslims, and I can’t forgive them since 9/11. In no sane world would I support Palestine. I’m team Israel all the way.

“However, Biden screwed us Fox News correspondents over when he took no sides in the conflict. Instead of following the crowd and blindly supporting Palestine, Biden took the mature route of saying that the Israel-Palestine conflict was not as black-and-white as American media made it out to be.

“We applaud Biden for handling this delicate scenario with class. However, we can’t express our admiration to our supporters. These morons hate Biden for no logical reason; they applauded a grown ass adult Jared Schmeck when he told Biden on a sweet Christmas call (one meant for children) to fuck off.

“We need to give them what they want to hear, as Fox News is already suffering financially after their poor attempt to crucify Jesus Christ. Logically speaking, it’s Biden’s fault that I was forced to promote anti-semitism!”

Hannity paused.

“I will admit that I didn’t handle this well. This was uncharted waters for me, as I have never before supported a dictator who wasn’t named Vladimir Putin.

“Nevertheless, I stepped out of Mein Kampf-ort Zone to make sure our supporters know we are still ‘owning the liberals’. I argued that Hitler’s actions weren’t of pure hatred, but of concern for the future of the world. Hitler was taking preemptive measures to prevent the unnecessary Israel-Palestine violence that would occur 70 years after the end of World War II. If anything, Hitler should be praised for his underrated foresight!”

We struggled to understand this logic, but played along. We asked Hannity if the ends truly justified the means. Preemptive strikes against potential criminals is incredibly dangerous, and will lead to civil riots. A democracy/government cannot survive if both sides don’t trust each other. Even if Hitler believed he was preventing future harm to Palestine through his genocide, he still killed millions of innocent people who likely wouldn’t have been criminals. Hitler should be seen as a terrorist for killing the Jews, not as a savior.

Hannity fired back.

“Except Hitler did nothing wrong! He didn’t kill the Jews!”

Confused, we asked Hannity to clarify.

“Yes, Hitler ordered the Nazis to gather the Jews and put them in concentration camps.

“Yes, Hitler ordered the Nazis to work the Jews to death and kill them.

“But did Hitler kill the Jews himself? NO! Hitler didn’t have physical blood on his hands! A middle man carried out Hitler’s orders. A lower subordinate did the dirty work. Hitler’s hands are still clean and pure!”

We were shocked by Hannity’s reasoning, and asked how he came to this conclusion. “I thank America for helping me see the light,” Hannity smiled.

“MAGA supporters followed Trump’s orders to carry out an insurrection attack on the January 6th Capitol Riot. We have evidence and phone records that Trump told his followers to attack and kill police officers for supporting “voter fraud.” But the FBI didn’t arrest Trump. They arrested the supporters who attacked the Capitol. Republican Congressman dismissed investigation into this matter. Trump should have been arrested for treason, but he hasn’t been punished for his crimes.

“Why is that? Trump committed treason by forming a riot. But Trump himself didn’t participate in the insurrection. Trump didn’t physically kill those police officers! The US justice system recognized that Trump had middle men carry out his violent deeds, and didn’t bother to arrest him. If the American justice system can forgive Trump for his terrorism, then the world can can damn well forgive Hitler for his genocide.”

We were astounded that a grown ass man could even compare both atrocities. 5 police officers and Republicans who died in the Capitol Riot is nothing compared to the 6 million Jews who died in the Holocaust. Nevertheless, we pivoted and asked Hannity if he hates Osama Bin Laden. “Well, of course!” Hannity exclaimed. “He killed so many Americans. He terrorized the greatest country in the world. Bin Laden is a war criminal!”

We then asked Hannity if he should forgive Bin Laden for destroying the World Trade Center. Yes, Bin Laden told his supporters to fly the planes into the twin towers. But Bin Laden didn’t fly the planes himself. Bin Laden wanted to instead remain a virgin on Earth rather than a sex god in heaven. Bin Laden’s vow of chastity and “non-violence” weren’t crimes, and America should be punished for killing an innocent man.

Hannity paused to think. After 40 silent minutes, we mentioned to him that Bin Laden was killed during Democrat President Barrack Obama’s tenure. Hannity’s eyes lit up as he proclaimed.

“Bin Laden was innocent! Obama should go to jail for killing him! America can rot in hell!”

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

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