LGBTQ
Iranian Man Killed During 4-Way Homo-Incestuous Lover’s Quarrel
An unusual love story for those not born in Alabama.
While these inbred racists are coming to terms with having something in common with Iranians, we are sad to report the passing of a wonderful human. Proud gay Iranian man Alireza Fazeli-Monfared was unfortunately killed during an astonishing romantic quarrel between 3 of his admirers. What’s even more shocking is that all three of these admirers are male relatives of Fazeli-Monfared.
We were curious as to how this dangerous love tale took place. This story makes Romeo & Juliet nothing more than a 1-week middle school fling in comparison. A tale of homosexuality, incest, and polygamy is one that could win the Best Picture at the Academy Awards for its progressive nature.
The 3 relatives/admirers are in hiding, so we had to reach out to Fazeli-Monfared’s former partner Aghil Abiat. Abiat sat down and shared with us information that led to the tragic death of his partner.
“Fazeli-Monfared and I met online through a public social media channel. Sparks flew and we desired to meet in person. Unfortunately, I was exiled from Iran for being gay and Fazeli-Monfared was trying to flee to Turkey to be with me. At the time, Iran was heavily against homosexuality.
“But times have changed. During the pandemic, Ayatollah Abbas Tabrizian warned citizens that getting the COVID vaccine will make them homosexual. To keep everyone in Iran healthy, Iranian President Hassan Rouhani tried a new way to market the vaccine. He accepted Tabrizian’s claims as truth, and convinced Iran that being gay is a blessing. Men were lured into more sexual activity, and females were lured into harassment and sexual assault free conditions. This tactic surprisingly worked, as Iran now boasts an extremely high COVID vaccination rate.
“Iran has changed for the better. COVID deaths dramatically decreased. Women are happier that they are no longer stalked by men. No one respects the Ayatollah anymore. Homosexuality is in and people are accepting it more than ever.
“However, there are many drawbacks from this initiative. Despite the country’s acceptance of homosexuality, Iranian politicians still view it as a mental illness. Hence, they exempt gay men from completing their required time in the military. Iran no longer has a military to defend from Iraq or terrorists, and we’ve heard cases of villages easily being pillaged and captured by al-Qaeda. Furthermore, we’ve seen a decrease in children and families. Gay men are no longer interested in women, who are frustrated that they don’t have a man who will settle down and procreate with them.
“The biggest downside of this movement is that sexual assault cases remains the same. It’s true that sexual assault and stalking cases went down for women, but they skyrocketed for men. These men are more likely to pursue family members, as they feel more comfortable experiencing their newfound feelings with close relatives. This leads to a lot of homosexual, incestuous assaults.
“Fazeli-Monfared mentioned that he felt unsafe not only from the threat of al-Qaeda conquering his small town, but also from his relatives’ aggressive and sexual advances. Fazeli-Monfared’s 3 male family members had been endlessly pursuing him for months ever since they got vaccinated. These 3 relatives admitted they have been having incestuous orgies with each other, and desired someone as beautiful, fashionable, and soft-skinned as Fazeli-Monfared to join them. The more Fazeli-Monfared repeatedly turned down their sexual advances, the more violent and threatening these men became.
“Fazeli-Monfared decided to secretly migrate to Turkey to escape his weird family. At the time, no one knew of our relationship. We decided to wait for Fazeli-Monfared to arrive in Turkey to make our relationship public. However, Fazeli-Monfared’s relatives caught hold of a handwritten love letter I wrote to him. In fury, the relatives figured out when Fazeli-Monfared was leaving for Turkey and abducted him before he could leave Iran for good.”
Abiat later said that he heard from Fazeli-Monfared’s mom that her son was stabbed multiple times. We spoke to the mother, who told us that the relatives left her a voicemail on where to find the body. When the mother saw her deceased son, she fell in shock and was rushed to the hospital. When she regained consciousness, she called the relatives and asked why they would commit such a heinous act. The relatives mentioned that they were furious that Fazeli-Monfared’s heart belonged to a man who wasn’t of his blood, and decided that no one can have him if they can’t. They kidnapped Fazeli-Monfared and stabbed him whenever Fazeli-Monfared turned down their romantic gestures. At the end, Fazeli-Monfared chose death over romance with his relatives.
We thanked Abiat for his time, and wrote his story within the next hour. Overnight, this romantic tale gained significant traction in the country. It has become so popular that Hollywood director Ang Lee has secured the rights to make a groundbreaking blockbuster out of this drama: Birk[Back] Mountain.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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