POLITICS

Tucker Carlson Baffled At Rand Paul Claiming He Went To Medical School With Dr Pepper

That explains so much and yet so little

Ron Paul admitted that he always replays the three biggest disappointments in his life before going to bed: never becoming president, never cutting wasteful conservative spending on the military, and not disowning his son Rand sooner.

Rand Paul made a special appearance on Tucker Carlson Tonight. In Fox New’s latest episode of Beavis and Butthead, Tucker Carlson got into a heating match with Rand Paul for not supporting vaccinations. We were surprised that a Fox News anchor was finally supporting vaccinations, so we tuned in on the episode.

Carlson began.

“Look, you know I have the utmost respect for you. Not as a Republican, but as a friend. Why are you still attacking Dr. Fauci? Why are you still promoting anti-vaccinations? Don’t you know anti-vaccinations is against our pro-life stance? We can’t support this behavior after realizing that anti-vaxxers are avoiding treatment just to kill their kids!”

Paul calmly fired back.

“Tucker, we conservatives never cared about pro-life. Once the child leaves the womb, he/she is on his/her own. This unwanted birth handicaps the parents, as they suffer financially, physically, and mentally. This gives us rich, powerful people more resources to claim, such as Congress seats. People in poverty then turn to our churches, where they give us people in power more money in exchange for the opportunity to pray for fortune in their next life. Their suffering and strong belief in religion allow us to live in 12-bedroom mansions.

“We rich Republicans are astounded that Congress hasn’t cracked down on this successful multi-level marketing scheme, one that has operated under the guise of a political party for years. As we have continuously deceived our supporters, we thought about giving them back their money. However, giving them ‘free handouts’ would be an insult to them, as we let their suffering go to waste. To make sure their unnecessary sacrifice won’t be in vain, we’re committed to spreading misinformation and anti-humanity laws just so they can stick to the status quo.”

This truth was too much for Carlson to handle. He slammed his fists.

“For the love of God, will you STOP promoting vaccine misinformation? Will you STOP banning vaccine mandates? The people who are dying are unvaccinated! 100% of the unvaccinated are Republicans! If we keep on supporting anti-vaxx campaigns, we’ll kill off our voter base! There will be no one left to watch my show, yet alone vote for you in office!

“Don’t you get it? The liberals have told us this from the start. They were right! They always have been! And yet, we refused to listen to them. Now, we may not have successful careers anymore!”

Paul calmly responded.

“Negative. The science proves people with natural immunity should skip COVID vaccine. This is from one report, one that is disproven by millions of accredited scientists. But I am a hero of the minorities. I will make sure this incorrect voice is heard loud and clear. We need to give people the right to choose their fantasies and kill themselves. This is America.”

Carlson was stunned.

“Why on earth are you still supporting this discredited theory? Everyone else doesn’t! Do you even know the guy who wrote the report?”

Paul smiled.

“As a matter of fact, I do. He was my roommate and told me he got his PhD in medical sciences. He also got his MD with me, even though he graduated a year later. Don’t let his looks fool you. He may look way younger than imagined, but he is well qualified enough to write this article. That being said, my roommate was a quirky guy. He didn’t have a first or last name. He just told everyone to call him Pepper, as he really loved the vegetable.”

Carlson sat in silence, dumbfounded by what he just heard. After 5 minutes, he slowly responded.

“Are you saying that you went to medical school with Dr. Pepper?”

Paul answered.

“Yes, that’s correct.”

Carlson clenched his fists.

“…Mr. Paul. Rand. Kiddo. Any chance you might drop the ‘Dr.’ before your name? ‘Dr. Rand Paul sounds and feels fraudulent, not to say a touch comic.”

Paul looked stunned.

“Excuse me, but I got my MD from Duke University. I deserve the title of doctor.”

Carlson chortled.

“Duke? You mean the same school that flat-earther and anti-vaxxer Kyrie Irving went to? Not exactly something to boast about when the school exports more morons than the entire state of Florida.”

Paul got defensive.

“How dare you! I’m insulted that you would attack my intelligence! I have stamps of approval from smart people, including Dr. Pepper! Of course, he showed up to class half the time and the teachers never even noticed his presence. He didn’t graduate with me, even though we started in the same year. I reached out to him one year after, but haven’t heard from him since.

“Ok, now that I think about it, I actually didn’t read a peer-reviewed paper from him. The last thing I noticed was a Reddit-Parler message post under the username DrPepper, which detailed why vaccines are useless. But I’m positive my roommate is accurate! If you could just let me finish…”

Carlson quickly cut off Paul.

“Nope, I’m taking over. We conservatives always knew you were dumb, but we overlooked that due to your influence. We let you preach socialism and attack conservatism when you begged President Joe Biden to give financial aid to Kentucky for disaster relief. I even ignored your failure to crucify Jesus Christ properly during his rebirth.

“But this is a new low! How is it that you’ve gone 36 years without realizing that you’ve been duped by a high schooler? This roommate of yours doesn’t give you a first name, hardly shows up to class, doesn’t graduate with you, looks too damn young, disappears from the face of the earth, and reappears 20 years later on an Internet forum? That’s how teenage pranksters act!

“Did you not realized the clue from his name? Dr. Pepper is a SOFT DRINK! Dr. Pepper was never a real doctor! This teen gave you the name of a popular non-alcoholic beverage among high school students. How did you even become a politician if you didn’t realize that? Even MAGAmorons can figure that out! ”

Carlson motioned for his producers to cut off Paul’s screen. Before moving on to the next guest, Carlson muttered this sentence in transition.

“Never in my life have I witnessed one of our own tarnish the Republican image this severely. I can’t believe I have to quote Dr. Anthony Fauci, but Rand Paul, you do not know what you’re talking about!”

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

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