ENTERTAINMENT, LGBTQ
Kid Rock Apologizes to Dylan Mulvaney for Calling Her a “Fake Woman”, Citing His Insecurity of Being a Fake Redneck
Can’t spell ‘Robert James Ritchie’ without ‘rich’
To boycott Bud Light’s support of transwoman activist Dylan Mulvaney, Kid Rock bought three 24-pack of Bud Light. Which is the equivalent of the Jews protesting Adolf Hitler and Nazis by purchasing his memoir Mein Kampf.
Kid Rock unleashed his assault-style rifle on the cans, while shouting “FUCK BUD LIGHT!” This behavior confused radio disk jockey Howard Stern.
“I was taken aback by Kid Rock’s video. At first, I thought he was doing an impression of the Nashville Christian Elementary School shooter.”
Stern invited Kid Rock to explain his bizarre behavior on his show. We revealed the transcript below.
Stern
“Look, Kid Rock. Imma cut to the chase. I don’t know what you’re angry about.
“I’m not bothered by gay people or transsexual people. You wanna be a woman, be a woman, you wanna be a dude, be a dude, be whatever you fucking want. Long as you ain’t hurting anybody, I’m on your team.
“I’m dumbfounded by why you would care so much that they would blow up a can of Bud Light and say, ‘‘Fuck Anheuser-Busch.’ This is bizarre and immoral. I should know what immoral is. I’ve made a career out of saying controversial shit.”
Kid Rock
“First of all, thank you for having me Stern. And I want to take this moment to say this.
“Dylan Mulvaney, I’m sorry for calling you a fake woman. You can be whoever you want to be. Woman, man, rainbow, dog, unicorn. Hell, even a Bud Light. It don’t matter to me.”
Stern
“So why didn’t you stop and think before posting that video?
Kid Rock
“Because I was angry in the moment. Not at Mulvaney, but at myself. I saw Mulvaney proud of being a fake woman, and it triggered my insecurity. I acted on impulse.”
Stern
“I gotta say, this accountability is impressive. I haven’t seen a MAGA display this much self-awareness since the Proud Boys disbanded after they killed one of their members, for they mistook him as black.
“What do you have to be insecure about? You got a great life. You transitioned from a kid in Detroit to a rock star!”
Kid Rock
“The truth is, I am a fake redneck. I was never one to begin with. I just played along to sell records.”
Stern
“How is profitable to identify as a beer chugging, gun obsessing, sister fucking, pickup truck driving, America fanboying, poor white Southern trash?
“A redneck is poorer than an illegal immigrant!”
Kid Rock
“Half the nation embraces this simple, moronic lifestyle. If you don’t believe me, look at how many voted for Donald Trump in 2020.
“If half the nation identifies as poor, white trash, then what am I doing catering to the saturated liberal market? The redneck market is untapped!
“It’s why Bud Light lost $4 billion overnight after Mulvaney’s ad. Who do you really think was buying Bud Light in the first place? Health conscious, sophisticated liberals would spend their money on hard seltzers instead of carb-heavy, alcoholic piss.”
Stern
“I’m confused. You’ve always looked like a redneck. Now, you’re saying you aren’t?”
Kid Rock
“Just because I dress, look, and act a certain way, does NOT mean I’m actually poor, white trash. Shouldn’t you judge people by the content of their character? Did you learn nothing from Martin Luther King?
“But I digress. Here’s my backstory.
- My fans think I was dirt poor. But I was born rich. My dad owned multiple car dealerships in Michigan and I spent my childhood riding horses and picking apples from our orchids. I then try to sell my apples to poor people for a low cost of $15.
- My fans think I was born in the South. But I was born in the North! I was born in Romeo, Michigan! It’s not even in Detroit! I have ZERO street cred!
- My fans think I want to bring back white supremacy. But I have no problems with interracial dating. Hell, I even fathered a kid with a black woman! What do you think my hit single Black Chick, White Guy was about?
- My fans think I am a humble, bible loving Christian. How can I be that when I released a song called Bullgod! I CALLED myself the bullgod! I called myself better than Jesus just because I’m the offspring of God and a bull!
- My fans think I don’t support the Confederacy. But I still wear the confederate flag! I just missed the memo that the Confederacy was banned after Republicans discovered that founder Jefferson Davis was a Democrat!
“I was never who the public thought I was! I’m not as stupid as they think I am.”
Stern
“So why lie to us?”
Kid Rock
“That’s the only way for me to be famous! I couldn’t just be a white rapper from Detroit. Eminem already set the bar so high! How can I compete when I slur my words as much as a sorority chick on jungle juice?
“Society places far too high expectations on white rappers. We have to try 10x more than black rappers to make a name for ourselves. Else, the public won’t take us seriously!
“I transitioned into a new genre to satisfy my new market: country rap rock. This really shouldn’t be a surprise. I’m not the first white rapper who switched to rock thanks to Eminem.
“But 50 years of this charade, I couldn’t take it anymore! I’ve been living a lie. My secret and guilt was eating me up! I wasn’t born as a redneck, and I had to hide my past from the public.
“Now, I see Mulvaney telling the world that she identifies as something she wasn’t born as? AND the public allows it? I DID NOT REALIZE THIS WAS AN OPTION!”
Stern
“So you’re just mad that if you told the truth, you’d face backlash for culturally appropriating an American culture.”
Kid Rock
“Well, DUH! Have you SEEN how the media treated Rachel Dolezal?
“Mulvaney is courageous for making up her gender, but I’m delusional for making up my race?
“No. I won’t accept this. I may not be a full redneck. But I’ve always had that confidence and believed in who I am. And I’ve known that I’m a redneck. And I’m proud to be a redneck. And I’m proud to have rich, sophisticated, Northern parents too. I’m just proud of who I am.
“If Phoenix Suns owner Robert Sarver can come out as black, then I, too, can come out as poor white trash!”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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