Republicans Ban the Confederacy After Discovering That Founder Jefferson Davis Was A Democrat

If only we could find significant others who are committed to us as the Republicans are committed to not identifying themselves as Democrats.

To make sure their supporters don’t confuse them as liberals, the GOP has combatted critical race theory, Black Lives Matter, and removal of Confederate symbols. Kevin McCarthy tried to get the party to vote against removing Confederate monuments, but was unsuccessful in suppressing the bill in the House. Tucker Carlson did his best to spread the racist agenda, but he’s still getting destroyed by legitimate news sources. Prominent leaders like Mitt Romney slowly abandoned the Republican Party, as their values conflict with the Republican Party’s hatred towards non-white Americans.

“We are struggling to keep our core, racist base intact,” Moscow Mitch McConnell stated.

“More people are realizing how important critical race theory is to better American society. Fewer people are choosing to become racist, and we are losing so many voters. I’ve been assigned to gerrymander Kentucky just so racist states have more voting power to reelect me and Rand Paul. But I’m afraid I can’t do so this time because I’m too busy trying to stop Biden from appointing a liberal Supreme Court Justice and from investigating the January 6th Capitol Temper Tantrum.

“We need a well respected leader to promote our racist agenda. A leader who is respected by both Conservatives and Liberals. Getting such a key endorsement will get back our supporters and, hopefully, convert Democrats to the red side.”

We’re not sure what to be more amused by: Moscow Mitch sugarcoating a terrorist attack as a temper tantrum or Moscow Mitch slowly realizing that no such respectable leader of both parties exists.

The morally depraved Kentucky senator desperately called QAnon ring leader Matt Gaetz to gather his satanic pals and revive Confederate general Robert E. Lee from the grave. Moscow Mitch beamed.

“Lee is a well respected war general. The Union respected his acumen and intelligence as a commander. The Confederacy respected him for supporting slavery. If Lee can come back and tell us on TV why the Republican Party is great, we can win back our supporters and perhaps steal some Democrats.”

Moscow Mitch realized too late that he should not have slept during his 9th grade history class. While Gaetz and his cronies resurrected the Confederate general just in time for Lee’s public address, they were surprised to see Lee marching to Lexington, Virginia with a burning Confederate flag. Lee got upon the podium and started berating the conservatives on national TV.

“To all those who continue to support the Confederacy. What the fuck is wrong with you? How on earth are these racist monuments and flags still prevalent? The Civil War happened 170 years ago! Move the fuck on!

“Why on earth do you think I would be honored by these Confederate statues? The Confederacy is a terrible stain on American history. Its flag and statues simply put me to shame. Did none of you read my conditions of surrender? I made General Ulysses S. Grant promise me that the Confederacy will never be admired in history ever again. If it were up to me, those statues would not have been built in the first place!

“I may favor racial segregation, but I have ZERO loyalty to the Confederacy. I was offered to lead the Union army, and even considered it! The only reason why I turned them down was because my family was born in the South. I owe it to my blood to support them through thick and thin. They took care of me when no one else did, and I will be by their side 100%. I hate what the Confederacy stands for and hate how dependent we white men are on slavery, but I love my friends and family even more.”

Lee angrily glared at the seething MAGA supporters.

“Don’t you dare look at me like that, you disgusting snowflakes. You think that marching the Capitol on March 6th makes you heroes for democracy? What was heroic about that? The election was fought fair and square, and Joe Biden was the clear winner. He won because more people voted for him. Do you know why? It’s because he supports equality and inclusion of African Americans, Asian Americans, Latin Americans, etc. Biden won in terms of numbers and strategy. The same reasons why the Union defeated my Confederate army.

“THINK, morons! Black people may be less intelligent than white people¹. But they’re not dumb enough to vote for Donald Trump or fight for the Confederacy. Why on earth would they EVER join a cause that suppresses their own kind? They outnumbered us.

“Unlike you crybabies, I accepted defeat like a chivalrous man. You all are still crying about how this is a long war you have to fight. As a former general, I can guarantee that NONE of you would be able to survive in an actual battlefield. You all will be scared shitless, tuck your balls between your legs, and run away squealing like piglets! Even your proud Democrat leader Jefferson Davis would be ashamed to represent you!”

The crowd was stunned. Not only did Lee lay it hard on them, but they also realized that the Confederate icon they idolized greatly was actually a member of the party they despised so much. Within an hour after Lee’s roast, MAGA supporters started burning confederate flags and toppling down statues. Mom and pop shops that still sell confederate items were pillaged and vandalized. One graffiti message threatened a couple of owners to “take their liberal beliefs and get the hell out of this town.”

Moscow Mitch McConnell was shocked at the turn of events, as he didn’t realize that Lee could quickly turn the conservative party against racism. With racism becoming more unpopular among conservatives as the days progress, Moscow Mitch immediately filibustered his proposed bill that kept all Confederate monuments intact.

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

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Footnote 1: If you are like Robert E. Lee and believe in this nonsense, please consider getting a brain transplant.

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