POLITICS

Democrat Pete Buttigieg Caught Kidnapping Conservative Kids To Sell As Sex Slaves

Fox News’s Wet Dream

Conservative Matt Walsh became popular with his LGBTQ sex trafficking cult.

Now, Democrats are funding a Walsh counterpart to claim the pedo market.

This plan was disclosed by the last of the MAGA-kin:

• Marjorie Taylor Greene
• Jim Jordan
• Lauren Boebert
• Paul Gossar

The Four Stooges revealed they wisely used their taxpaying funded hours just to hand write a letter to Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg. They avoided sending emails in fear of Democrat Hilary Clinton intercepting them to broadcast to the public. Their plans were foiled when Buttigieg posted pictures of their letter on his Twitter.

Buttigieg tweeted a response where these political disgraces attacked him for not getting the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) to allocate relief to East Palestine in a timely manner. Buttigieg was stunned, as he thought that members of the House Oversight Committee knew that the NTSB was completely independent of his own department: the United States Department of Transportation.

This prompted Greene to violently accuse Buttigieg of assuming that she knows how to do her job.

“Buttigieg vows us to NEVER assume people’s gender. Yet, he assumes my IQ is average! How DARE he assumes I’m competent! I got elected despite having a low IQ. What the fuck do I need intelligence for?”

Jordan chimed in.

“Greene is selling herself short. She is smart beyond belief. She created this brilliant plan of ending Islamophobia by starting a Muslim genocide!

“How DARE Buttigieg responds with a clever comeback! Doesn’t he know that we’re unfairly making him the scapegoat because he’s gay? Our Republican base hates the LGBTQ as much as they love communism!

“We need to pin a disaster on a gay man just to fuel our agenda!”

Boebert also jumped in.

“Just because Buttigieg can speak facts, doesn’t mean he’s right. Everyone knows he’s left!

“Buttigieg and the liberals went after my pedophile husband just because he got so drunk that he exposed himself to teenage girls. This was clearly a ploy by ANTIFA to make me look bad!

“How DARE he sheds light on my past! I’m trying to move on from this light mistake, and his party keeps bringing it up!”

Gossar brought up an interesting theory.

“Just for Buttigieg calling us out, I’m going to project our crimes on him. That’s what we’ve done with our fake theory QAnon. We stated Trump will protect the nation from pedophiles in power, even though he’s one himself!

“Even though train relief was out of Buttigieg’s scope, he still could have provided aid. Even our glorious leaders Trump stepped in to distribute his water. No, I don’t care if Trump’s water was actually urine. His MAGA supporters still found it nourishing!

“But why did Buttigieg avoid help? It’s because he wanted to ruin the ecosystem of the poor, white, conservative trash. They are already vulnerable from the disaster. Buttigieg can swoop in with Democratic sponsored candidate Andrew Tate to illegally prostitute Republican children affected by this disaster.

“Buttigieg has enough money to pay these parents for their kids. Of course he would groom the kids. Buttigieg is GAY! Gay men are groomers!”

We were amused at Gossar’s theory. However, upon doing our own research, we were shocked to discover that Gossar may have done what George Santos failed to achieve: speak the truth.

Here’s a list of evidence that supports claims of Buttigieg’s red children exploitation.

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Nevermind. We can’t find shit.

Disclaimer: The title is pure click-bait. The content is 100% nonsense. To understand our reasoning, read our apology below.

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We apologize to you readers for duping you all. The truth is, we are capitalistic pigs who crave for fame. We don’t care if we achieve notoriety. There’s no such thing as bad publicity.

Why would we do this? Because we came across this tag trending on Twitter.

The MAGAmorons are sharing an article that claims Katie Hobbs is laundering cartel money. Their latest smear campaign ripped off Ozark. Which is not surprising, since they did the same with John Fetterman and Breaking Bad.

It’s odd that Republicans want to arrest Marty Byrde just so they can give the governor seat to Republican genocide enthusiast Kari Lake. Yes, they would rather die than see a Democrat win. Despite their hard on for white nationalism, they ironically have something in common with the African-American slaves during the Civil War.

But wait. There’s more. Turns out this piece was published by The Liberty Daily. Which has a low credibility rank from MediaFactChecker.

These morons got duped by a bunch of lies so hard that they’re one Trump speech away from storming the capitol. Regardless, The Liberty Daily benefits from the increased traffic and attention.

Now, back to us. We haven’t had a successful February. We made only $30 that month! How will we pay back our debts to the Yakuza. They’ll kill us! Who will write all the news you readers enjoy?

We need views and money fast. We wrote this click-bait headline just so it can get trending on Twitter and Truth Social. If MAGAmorons can share fake news about Katie Hobbes without fact checking their sources, they will definitely share this piece on the premise that we’re “attacking” an honest leader just because he loves cock more than a body builder on a high-protein diet.

But wait, you say. What happens if these MAGAmorons read this piece? Then they won’t share it.

Rest assured, readers. You have nothing to fear about. Because MAGAmorons can’t read!

They only know enough English to read the headline. They won’t bother wasting their time to read the whole piece! They’ll just blindly share it because the headline fits their beliefs!

Hell, they even did that with one of my prior pieces!

Turns out they shared this piece as “proof” that Democrats are responsible for Tate’s obscene behavior and recent arrest.

Do we have proof of this? Absolutely not. We’re just blindly following a quote that a reader we never met posted on the piece above.

Hold on. We chose to believe someone on the internet because it fits with our beliefs. Are we MAGAmorons as well? What an M. Night Shymalayan plot twist!

At least we know that what we write and share is fictional. For now.

We’re going to share this piece on Truth Social. Wait. We’re banned from Truth Social?

Twitter it is. Same thing.

We hope to be trending on that ridiculous site. Our goal is to publicly humiliate these MAGAmorons on our quest for fame.

Why? Because we are greedy. Attention whoring. Capitalistic. Pigs.

Oink oink.

~ Ellie Salvaje

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