POLITICS
Lauren Boebert Claimed ANTIFA Was Behind Her Husband’s Penis Exposure to Female Minors
Flawless logic! She should represent R. Kelly!
Yet another case of Republicans trying to spin a web of lies to avoid the truth. Politician Lauren Boebert is no different.
Boebert has come under fire for attacking actor Alec Baldwin for his accidental shooting of a female cinematographer. We honestly don’t know why Boebert is criticizing a white man for using his gun on a member of a minority group. After all, Boebert would gladly sacrifice thousands of children in a shooting if it means her having her God-given right of bearing arms.
Boebert’s obsession for guns is well documented. In TLC’s latest episode of My Strange Addiction, Boebert disclosed that she frequently cheats on her husband with her AK-47. “I can’t help it! The bullets and metal rod provide me far more stimulation than my man’s penis. I don’t understand it, since my husband is considered well-endowed among the Coal Ridge community.” We were amused by that statement, as we weren’t aware that many females worked in the coal mining industry. Perhaps Boebert is fine with her husband, Jayson, sleeping with men trapped in the closet. Our curiosity lead to a late night Google search of Coal Ridge in Boebert’s hometown Stilt, Colorado. In a shocking twist, we realized that Coal Ridge is not the name of a coal mine, but the name of a high school.
We sat down with Lauren Boebert so she could further clarify her outing of Jayson as a pedophile. Boebert attempted to shift the blame away from her husband.
“The man I married in 2005 was arrested for indecent exposure in 2004. He whipped out his penis to underaged girls because they didn’t believe that he had a tattoo on his reproductive organ. He had way too much to drink that night and was trying to settle a bet.”
We asked why Boebert would stay with a child sex predator, but she got defensive. “This is not the man I know, he didn’t harm these girls at all. This was a plot by ANTIFA to simply make him look bad.”
We asked how ANTIFA got involved with Jayson’s indecent exposure. She quoted, “ANTIFA spiked his drinks and told him that the girls were making fun of him for not being bold enough to have tattoos. Naturally, Jayson got mad, marched over to those girls, and pulled down his pants to teach them a lesson.”
When asked why ANTIFA would get her husband drunk, she said, “Because I’m a political figure and they wanted to ruin my reputation by showing I’m married to an alcoholic and a pedophile.”
We asked how ANTIFA would have known in 2004 (time of Jayson’s indecent exposure) that Boebert would be a political figure in 2020. Boebert said, “ANTIFA are technology activists. They built a time machine and came back to this date to tarnish my career. They gave my husband spiked drinks, thus getting him drunk to make poor decisions. ANTIFA roofied my husband!”
We asked that if this theory is true and ANTIFA was truly afraid of Boebert, then why didn’t ANTIFA simply go back to her birth date in 1986 and kill her instead. Boebert said, “Because ANTIFA didn’t want blood on their hands. They’re weak pacifists who can’t fight their own battles.”
We then questioned this ANTIFA pacifist theory, as Boebert stated earlier that ANTIFA was behind the capitol riot. If ANTIFA were truly pacifists and behind the capitol riot, they would not have killed a police officer during America’s most ridiculous terrorist attack. Boebert argued, “The police officer was a sacrificial lamb who voluntarily committed suicide just to make Trump supporters look bad.”
We then asked why Trump supporters should be seen in a good light, as they only care about white nationalism and their feelings. She said “We say these hateful things because we love this country dearly! We are just misunderstood! We want to protect our children from pedophiles, even though we’re incorrect that these pedophiles are all minorities. We won’t stop until we use violence to kill all the dreadful child rapists.”
We asked what constitutes a pedophile/child rapist. Boebert said, “Any man who does as little as exposing his genitalia to underaged girls. They knew exactly what they were doing and were simply taking advantage of the girl’s innocence.”
We confirmed again if Boebert wanted to kill those people with her bare hands. She proudly proclaimed, “I’ll bring my mistress [AK-47] if I have to. The world would be much safer if they are killed.”
We then asked if that was true, then why didn’t she kill her husband with her AK-47 back in 2004. Her husband exposed his genitalia to minors, regardless of why he did so. By Boebert’s definition of a pedophile/child rapist, her husband is one and he should have been killed to make the world safer. Flustered, Boebert angrily accused us of twisting her words and stormed out of the interview.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
Update: On November 9, 2022, Lauren Boebert lost the
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