POLITICS, ENTERTAINMENT
Republicans Blast Democrat Senator John Fetterman For Taking An Extended Leave Of Absence To Distribute Meth
Breaking Braddock
Who knew Democrat Senator John Fetterman could also pass off as a children’s comedian? After all, he is the one who knocks.
The politician formerly known as Heisenberg has been blasted by Republican colleagues for taking an extended leave of absence. While Fetterman claims he checked in for mental health and depression care, his rivals concocted their own theories for cheap political votes.
Tucker Carlson ranted on his show.
“So Fetterman is mentally unfit to do the job. This is what happens when you elect a liberal. By definition, a liberal is a weak pussy who’s too sensitive to handle a toxic job.
“Mental illness is a scam by the woke media to get you to shell hundreds of bucks to people who do nothing but sit in a chair and listen to your problems. Why should you pay someone to do this when you have a stay-at-home wife to do that to you for free?
“This is why we support conservatives. He or she won’t even acknowledge that they’re mentally ill! He or she will lie to the public to preserve their American image!
“Our efforts to delusion ourselves are hallmarks of strong leaders! It’s how a retarded orangutan elected in 2017 became America’s greatest president!”
Lincoln Ingraham (formerly Laura Ingraham) chimed in.
“How do we know if Fetterman is alive? They’re parroting a dead man as alive just to cover up any power abuse. It’s what the NFL did with Damar Hamlin!
“Think about it. The athlete suffered a cardiac arrest, which is a fatal heart attack. He recovers in the same night? This speed is very suspicious. It’s not because medicine has advance significantly. It’s because Hamlin is actually dead and the NFL CGI’d his image in videos to keep up with appearances.
“Why would the NFL do this? It’s because Hamlin suffered a cardiac arrest from a vaccine injection! That’s what happens when you follow Lance Armstrong and inject harmful medicine to win! Or worse, Tom Brady!
“The NFL is now conspiring with the government to encourage vaccines and control us! They want to plant microchips in our bodies so we receive targeted advertisements. Clearly, the government is too dumb to consider harnessing our cellular and social media data for this same information.
“We can see through this corrupt government’s plan. It’s nothing more than Weekend at Bernies!”
Carlson tried to bring in Arizona Governor loser Kari Lake to comment. However, Lake refused to appear on Carlson’s show. Lake is still angry that the Republicans didn’t support her “voter fraud” claims, and vowed to kill them all when she becomes America’s greatest dictator since Dick Cheney.
We reached out to Lake privately to comment. Lake yelled.
“Carlson and Ingraham are morons! They’re just parroting conspiracy theories that have no allegations! I do the same as well, but mine are right because I created them!
“Fetterman is using mental illness as an excuse to abandon his responsibilities. This dude has avoided his job so much that our conservative base voted for him because they thought he was Trump!
“It’s obvious that Fetterman is using tax payer dollars to fund his meth supply chain! He’s getting people hooked on a drug and corrupting our nation!”
We asked Lake if she had evidence to back this “theory.” Lake smirked.
“Bold of you to assume I have proof.
“Did I have proof of ‘voter fraud’ when Democrat Katie Hobbes was chosen as Governor of Arizona over me? Hell no. But if I lie enough, I’ll convince morons to overthrow the system to elect me. Work smart, not hard.
“Besides. I’ve done the same with Hobbes. I helped MAGAmorons make #ArrestKatieHobbes trending on Twitter. Reason being is that The Liberty Daily claimed that Hobbes is laundering Mexican cartel money. No, we didn’t bother to check that The Liberty Daily has posted fake news since day one. It fit with our beliefs, so we accept it as truth!
“Since we MAGAmorons suffered greatly in the 2022 midterm elections, we need to reclaim our power! What better way to do so than to portray the liberal politicians as anti-heroes from television’s greatest dramas? We pinned Hobbes as Marty Byrde from Ozark. Now, we pin Fetterman as Walter White from Breaking Bad!
“Our supporters can definitely see Fetterman as a fictional meth kingpin. They’re both bald. They both have a goatee. They’re allegedly estranged from their family. They both took down a local celebrity. White took down Los Pollos Hermanos CEO Gus Fring, while Fetterman took down famous snake oil salesman Mehmet Oz.
“We tried to accuse Democrats of being pedophiles. This backfired, as the GOP now supports pedophiles.
“We have no choice but to accuse Democrats of acting like villains on popular TV shows. Our voters are too dumb to even distinguish between the two!”
In continuation with the plan, Hobbes revealed she’ll start a campaign to portray ex-American President Barrack Obama as Frank Underwood from House of Cards.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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