POLITICS, SOCIETAL INJUSTICE

Republican Senator JD Vance Blames Horrific Ohio Train Disaster On The Jews

“Free Palestine”

The Jews have unfairly been a scapegoat for the world’s problems so much that they would exile themselves into the wilderness. Who knew this event in the Book of Leviticus would be reimagined as the modern-day Israeli settlers–Palestinian conflict?

Ohio Republican Senator J.D. Vance promoted this anti-semitic belief to explain the recent train derailment that damaged the remaining ecosystem of a small conservative town in the state. To play the devil’s advocate, we state Vance is following Fox New’s strategy of deflecting blame. If a red-voting state suffered a disaster, the Jews caused this. If a blue-voting state suffered a disaster, it was all part of God’s Plan.

Vance took to Twitter to defend his opinions. Or as Kanye West calls them, his sexual fantasies.

“As an Ohio native, I am disgusted with Department of Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg’s slow response to address the toxic chemical pollution. Buttigieg took 10 days to send help. I’ve even seen Kylie Jenner take less time to put on her makeup.

“President Joe Biden has not addressed this quickly. Even Brandon [formerly Donald] Trump had to take time out of ranting about voter fraud at his Mar-a-Largo bingo night just to pay the town a visit. At least Trump assuaged the citizen’s fears by preaching his urine will get them rich and healthy enough to fight back.”

Vance shook his head.

“This is the work of the Jews. They settled in DC because Biden invited them to do so. Sleepy Joe later kicked the settlers out because they couldn’t moderate the nation’s capitol’s fluctuating weather.

“These settlers failed to take over Palestine in the Middle East. So they had to settle for second best. They discovered there’s a town in Ohio called East Palestine. It must be the same as Middle East’s Palestine, right? They both have the same name!

“How do the Jews conquer this town? They go through shady and illegal methods of working hard to rise up company and political ranks. With their power and money, they can reward themselves with the fruits of their labor. Damn you, capitalism!

“These conniving workaholics teamed up with George Soros to nuke East Palestine with a train carrying chemicals! This wasn’t an accident. It was a terrorist attack! Of course, the Jews would do this. Their ancestors are subject matter experts on trains!

“Now that the town is destroyed and the population is weakened, these Jewish settlers can take over their land with little hostility! They will make their ancestors proud by finally controlling Palestine.”

Vance’s Jewish conspiracy theory became popular in the Republican Party. Staunch Hitler supporter Sean Hannity voiced his support.

“I don’t care if Adolf Hitler was brainwashed by the German military to see the Jews as the root of all evil! I don’t care if the German military was humiliated after losing World War I, and used the Jews as a scapegoat to raise public morale. I don’t care if the Jews never double-crossed German militia during the war! I don’t — wait, where am I going with this?

“Oh, right. Hitler saw the silver needle of truth in a hay of lies. The white man will be eradicated by the Jews! Hitler was a visionary!”

Conservative activist Charlie Kirk took to TruthSocial to echo similar sentiments.

“Of course, no one cares about the white working-class in rural Ohio. They contribute nothing to education, science, or the future! They’re just simple laborers who want a quiet life. How dare the Jews wage war on the white trash — er, white people!

“This injustice must end! This is nothing short of American slavery!”

Kirk then claimed the GOP should investigate Republican Ron DeSantis’s possible Jewish origins, as the Governor of Florida shares with that religious population the same pro-genocide stance against white morons.

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

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