POLITICS, ENTERTAINMENT
West Virginia GOP Backs Charlie Sheen To Entice Drug Addicts To Vote
Drug addicts are voters too!
If there’s one group of political candidates Republicans love the most, it’s the group of celebrities who are open about their vices and don’t care what others think of them. Republicans catered to these narcissists when they elected Brandon Trump (formerly Donald). Now, they’re doing the same with Charlie Sheen.
West Virginia GOP announced backing Charlie Sheen’s campaign for Congressman in West Virginia’s 1st district. Sheen will be competing against incumbent Republican Carol Miller and Democrat Lacy Watson. We were amused that Republicans wanted to steal more votes from the party’s favorite. If they divide the GOP votes, then Watson will win under a unified liberal front. Then again, the GOP loves losers. It’s why they still support Trump and Robert E. Lee.
We reached out to West Virginia GOP chairwoman Melody Potter. Potter shook her head.
“Miller isn’t going to win. She didn’t oppose the 2020 presidential election and didn’t claim that voter fraud exist. However, we found evidence that our own Republicans tried to lie on the ballots to get Trump to win. So Miller was wrong. Voter fraud does exist!
“That being said, voter fraud corruption still didn’t help the Republicans win. Because we engaged in deceitful practices, we need to redo the 2020 election to make it more fair! That’s how West Virginia can move on.
“We understand the fact that Republicans lost the 2020 election. However, West Virginia conservatives don’t care what the facts are. They care if their feelings are validated. Who knew West Virginian conservatives are just like liberal genderqueers? However, these libtards are given rights to indulge in their fantasies. West Virginian conservatives should be allowed to do so too.
“Miller denied voter fraud, and cost her her fan base. Voters can no longer resonate with her. This is why we’re backing Charlie Sheen. Voters resonate with his ‘winning’ mentality. Even though Sheen’s bipolar outburst cost him his job, his family, and his health.
“Regardless, our voters don’t care if our candidates are actually successful in all aspects of life. They will still back them as long as the candidate looks like they are successful.”
We asked Potter why she backed Sheen. Sheen was accused of beating his ex-wives, sexual abusing a 14-year old Corey Haim, lying to his partners about having HIV for 4 years, and consuming loads of alcohol and drugs. Sheen lived off the money his father earned, and got big breaks through dumb luck. As Anthony Jeselnik quoted, the only reason Sheen made it in television was because God hated Michael J. Fox.
Potter beamed.
“Our voters can relate to Sheen’s drug usage!
“1 in 10 West Virginians are addicted to drugs. That’s 10% of the population! Think about how many voters Sheen can bring in when he represents the addicts.
“Now, how does Sheen win over the existing Republican base? Easy! All Sheen has to do is get high, jump on InfoWars with Alex Jones, and promote QAnon! That is the true Tiger Blood mentality! Sheen will get the drug addicts and conservatives to back him. We’ll win in a landslide!”
We asked Potter why she chose Sheen of all people. Surely, there are better Hollywood drug addicts to back. Potter glared.
“You think Sheen was our first choice? We wanted Robert Downey Jr! A former drug addict who became a charismatic blockbuster star? That’s someone our fans can get behind! If Iron Man can do it, so can them!
“Downey Jr flat out refused. He claimed that drug addiction is a disease, and he wants to help others overcome their vices. What kind of nonsense is this? Improving oneself for the better isn’t a value encouraged by the Republican Party. We want to accept all victims and monsters ! Their feelings are valid and that they don’t have to change for us. If Jesus Christ can accept all children equally, so can we!
“Sheen was the only drug addicted celebrity who agreed to the job. He’s close to bankruptcy after spending all his father’s money on prostitutes, porn stars, Ferraris, and crack cocaine. Sheen badly needed the money and the spotlight.
“We need him to overthrow democracy! We’ll start moving funds from backing the Manchinian Candidate to backing Sheen!”
We asked Potter why she badly wanted to win a Congress seat. Potter hung her head.
“Senate wise, Republicans are a mess! GOP candidate and Trump supporter JD Vance has been outraised and outspent by Democrat Tim Ryan. Even Republican Senator Mitch McConnell had to dip into his healthcare savings account just to give Vance more money to regain control of the race! And McConnell needed that money to pay for his injuries from a QAnon assassination attempt!
“We lose a Senate seat in a red state like Ohio, we’re screwed! Ohio bore red all throughout history! Their switch will make West Virginia and other deep red states likely to flip! We need to solidify our hold on West Virginia! If backing former drug addicts gives us a shot of winning, we better take it!”
We reached out to Sheen to comment. Sheen woke up from his meth stupor to blabber.
“I’m just riding on a drug I’ve been on for 7 days. It’s called the Charlie Sheen. It’s not available, if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. But only I can handle it.
“But yea, I’m just chilling in my jacuzzi with my seven porn star girlfriends and 2 Lamborghinis and I get a text saying someone will fund my career in politics. I’m like ‘Oh sweet. WINNING!’
“I’m a total frickin’ rock star from Mars. I got no knowledge in politics. My only qualifications for this job was banging 7 gram rocks. And getting high of testosterone cream.
“I have one speed: GO. I’m epic winning. And if you think I’m losing, then I’ll ask you. Where’s your Lamborghini? Where’s your girls?”
We asked Sheen why he didn’t join Andrew Tate in politics. Given Sheen’s materialistic views of success, he and Tate flock together like birds of a feather. Tate already started his Make Masculinity Amazing Party to help steal conservative votes, and Sheen would help make that party strong.
Sheen shrugged.
“I admire Tate. But there’s only one winner in the world. You don’t see two gold medal winners, do you?
“I’m the real winner here! I’m the true alpha! Tate just copied my moves. We both know he can’t handle the drug of Charlie Sheen.
“But you got a point. If the GOP is still losing, I’ll form my own party that’s better than the Make Masculinity Amazing Party. I’ll call it the Tiger Blood Party. Worst case, I’ll be popular in India.”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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