SPORTS, SOCIAL INJUSTICE
Robert Sarver Avoids Selling The Phoenix Suns After He Comes Out As Black
Transracial identity is the newest fad
There are two times when a white man is allowed to say the word n****r. The first is when he woke up in Chris Brown’s body. The second is when he identifies as a black man.
Billionaire Robert Sarver found this loophole after being pressured by NBA commissioner Adam Silver to sell the team. Sarver got drunk on power after he got caught freely using the word n****r, threatening black employees to bow down to him, and asking intrusive sexual history questions to female employees. Silver jumped in to force Sarver to abandon his vision of turning an NBA team into a slave plantation.
Days after Silver tried to kick out another racist NBA owner, Sarver dropped some big news.
“I’m honestly appalled at the comments from my former employees. I did not mean to hurt others through my desire to control everything. I just wanted to be Vladimir Putin so badly! I even considered becoming a woman just to be like my idol!
“In my deep reflection, I realize that I had a secret that I needed to get off my chest. It has been hurting me inside, and has affected all my close relationships. I’m proud to announce that I identify as a black man.
“I’m tired of people attacking me for using the word n****r freely. So it’s unacceptable for a white man to say it, but completely fine for a black man like Draymond Green to say it? Now that’s just racist!
“However, I am 60 years old. I am incapable of change this late in my life. The only way for people to accept me is if I become black.
“This hasn’t been an easy journey for me, as everyone knows being a white man is a lottery ticket in life. I’ll give up certain luxuries by becoming black. I’ll be stopped by the police every time I drive my Ferrari. My neighbors will ask me how much I charge by the hour to water their lawns. I may not qualify for a loan to buy another mansion.
“Even though I’ll make my life harder than it needs to be, I realize that I need to stay true to myself. Furthermore, I’ve already embraced black culture. Since my favorite color is Phoenix Sun purple, it’s natural that my favorite drink is purple drank. Since I brag about my wife’s boobs, it’s natural that my favorite fruit is watermelon.
“I will be the first African-American billionaire since Elon Musk! Big ups, my n****rs!”
We were amused that Robert Dolezal appropriated black culture through perpetuating harmful stereotypes. Does Sarver believe becoming black will grant him immunity from hypothetically murdering his wife?
Following Sarver’s announcement, Silver released his support.
“We at the NBA are all about diversity and inclusion. We thought Sarver was a racist, and tried to kick him out. We did not realize he hated being a white man.
“Transracial identity is new to us. Originally, we thought it was made up so white people can appropriate another culture. Upon talking to UCLA sociology professor Rogers Brubaker, we realized this psychological phenomenon is real. We need to include all people who see themselves as a different gender, race, or species. If a human feels heard after identifying as a satanic unicorn, then we should support that demonic animal.
“It’s time we accept transracials. This would benefit many of our NBA players who were brutalized by the police. They can escape law enforcement violence as long as they identify as white.
“On behalf of the NBA, we apologize for not catering to Mr. Sarver’s feelings. We welcome him back into the NBA family. We will do better to learn more on transracial identity.”
Silver’s statement was criticized by NBA players. Athletes felt that Sarver was being outrageous just to avoid treating humans with compassion. We reached out to Sarver for a comment. Sarver laughed.
“All my life, I wanted money and power. I wanted to degrade people at my expense. I don’t know why these n****rs think I wouldn’t stoop to outrageous practices to get what I want.
“Hell, I even tried to get Phoenix strippers to impregnate talented basketball stars who don’t play for the Suns. These n****rs impregnate these hot bitches because they hate protection just as much as they hate honest labor. These thugs will choose to play for the Suns in free agency just to be closer to their future kids.
“I think light years ahead, n****rs. I put the seeds in motion so that the branches obstruct your path. It’s why I’m a billionaire, and you’re not.”
We asked Sarver what he would do with his newfound identity. Sarver smirked.
“I am misogynistic. I love the idea of owning women. The only people who can get away with bragging about such are rappers.
“I’ll start my own gangsta rapping group. I got all the traits to succeed: controlling hoes, getting a shitton of money, and dropping n****r every 4 verse. If a dumb n****r from the hood can make millions mumbling shit on SoundCloud, then so can a 60-year old white man.”
We asked Sarver what his rapper name would be. Sarver grinned.
“Straight Mercury.”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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