POLITICS, SOCIAL INJUSTICE
Doug Mastriano Blasts Civil War Reenactments For Excluding Whipped Slaves
“Remember 100% of history, or none at all!”
The legendary Ron Swanson once proclaimed, “Never half ass two things. Whole ass one thing.” Surprisingly, MAGA politicians are taking that advice to heart.
One of them is Doug Mastriano, a Pennsylvania gubernatorial candidate who was recently slammed for wearing a Confederate uniform in a faculty photo. Swarmed by public outrage, Mastriano defended the outfit by claiming he honors his ancestors.
“I have no issue with wearing a Confederate uniform. Although the Confederacy supports racism, I wasn’t wearing this war attire to support racists. If I was wearing a MAGA hat, that doesn’t mean I support the mentally challenged.
“I wore this uniform to honor the bold warriors who died for the South. This tradition is no different than sports fans wearing Native American headgear for the Kansas City Chiefs.”
We reached out to Mastriano to learn more about his brash fashion choice. Faculty members were allowed to dress as any historical figure for the picture. Surely Mastriano could cosplay as a less offensive figure of American history? Even Osama bin Laden is a better option. At least the terrorist leader didn’t racially discriminate when it comes to killing Americans.
When asked, Mastriano shook his head.
“Please. There’s nothing offensive about the Confederacy. They’re a bunch of Americans who died protecting the two great values of the South: agriculture and segregation.
“This is why I introduced Senate Bill 1321, the Freedom of Southern Speech Act, in October 2020. This bill protects our Confederate monuments from being removed or vandalized. We need to remember the losers of a white republic; one that lasted shorter than a typical college undergraduate tenure.
“We don’t have to destroy the past. We don’t have to rewrite the past. We should learn from it, understand it, and become even whiter! Oops. I mean better!”
We were amused that Mastriano is the only conservative who supports the Confederacy. Notable Republicans abandoned the failed state after Jefferson Davis was outed as a Democrat.
The GOP can tolerate being labeled as a racist, but being mistaken for a liberal is where they draw the line.
However, supporting the Confederacy is on brand for Republicans. They have a consistent track record of supporting losers.
- They backed Donald Trump, a loser of the 2020 presidential election. Even though he failed to find evidence of voter fraud.
- They backed Dick Cheney, a loser of the Iraq War. Even though he failed to find weapons of mass destruction.
- They backed MAGAmorons, losers of the common sense gene lottery. Even though they failed to overthrow the government in January 6, 2021.
With such a proven history, it’s no surprise that a Republican would back the loser of the Civil War. However, is Mastriano throwing away his chance to win the election because of his unabashed identity as a Republican?
We would believe this theory, had some Republican leaders not grown a conscience. Nine Republican officials denounced Mastriano as an “extremist,” with seven of them going so far as to endorse his Democrat rival Josh Shapiro.
We reached out to Pennsylvania House Speaker Denny O’Brien to address the endorsement. O’Brien responded.
“Because it’s the lesser of two evils! Shapiro just wants to tax the rich. Mastriano just wants to bring back segregation!
“Don’t believe me? Here’s a story. Mastriano went on the record to slam Civil War Reenactments. Not because they’re offensive. Because they’re inaccurate! Mastriano is displeased at the lack of diversity needed to portray the slaves of the Confederate soldiers.
“We found a reenactment camp who participated with Mastriano, and reached out for comment. To our horror, the participants said that Mastriano was too committed to his role!
- Mastriano refused to allow a Latino to portray the famously white commander Robert E. Lee. We said that the Latino looked white enough, but Mastriano refused. He said that Confederate soldiers historically had pure white blood.
- Union soldiers outnumber the Confederates 2 to 1 in history. Because of this, Mastriano ordered his Confederate soldiers to take Union hostages. He proceeded to torture them through Dick Cheney’s waterboarding methods, saying America’s dick-tator was inspired by Confederate torture.
- Mastriano axed Confederate actors who used the historically revisionist term “Negro Americans” instead of “slaves”
- Mastriano applied blackface makeup on white actors, as our troop had no black volunteers. Mastriano then started chasing them around the yard with a whip, calling them “n*****s”. Or even worse, “Toby”.
“We asked Mastriano to tone it down. He refused, claiming this was the only way to walk in the shoes of his ancestors. If he can properly invoke the contempt they had for African-Americans, then he can make his family proud.”
O’Brien shook his head.
“That’s why Republicans are afraid of supporting Mastriano! He’s far too conservative for their tastes! We just want to take the world back to the good old days of 1950! Not 1850!
“This kind of behavior will cause us to lose every foreseeable election!”
We were amused that Republicans want to be on the winning side of history for a change. We reached out to Mastriano to comment on the reports of his behavior. Mastriano smugly grinned.
“This is a reenactment! What’s the point of reenacting the Confederacy if there’s no slaves to whip?
“Although, I was harsh on the blackface. In the end, I still whipped white people. My ancestors would be disappointed that I was hurting their own kind.
“I need black people to willingly become slaves so that I can channel my ancestors’ violent tendencies and beat these black people to death. However, no sane black man would subject themselves to unnecessary violence purely for my entertainment…
“I got it! I’ll reach out to Colin Kaepernick! He claimed that going through the NFL combine as a quarterback made him feel like a slave being auctioned. I think Kaepernick could give us a fresh perspective by bringing his authentic self to this role as a slave in my upcoming reenactment.
“Furthermore, Kaepernick is just now coming off his star role in the critically acclaimed film 12 Years A Slave 2. Portraying a slave should be easy for him.”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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